Thoughts of a Doubting Christian ✓

Myths about Asexuality

I want to tackle some misconceptions about asexuality in this chapter, since many people are unfamiliar with it and/or misinformed about what it means.

Definition of asexual, according Merriam-Webster: not having sexual feelings toward others; not experiencing sexual desire or attraction.

In other words, someone who is asexual isn't sexually attracted to other people. In some cases, such as someone who is demisexual or gray-asexual, one can experience sexual attraction but rarely or only under very specific circumstances. With this in mind, let us jump right into the first, and most common, myth about asexuality:

Myth #1: Asexuality is the same thing as celibacy.

For anyone who isn't familiar with the word, celibacy is the willful choice to abstain from sexual activity, whether for religious or personal reasons. But celibacy and asexuality are NOT the same thing. People who choose to be celibate are still attracted to other people, but they have made a choice not to act on it. It is completely valid, but it is not asexuality. Asexual people are not attracted to people at all. They aren't "abstaining" from sex, because they didn't want it in the first place! They legitimately don't experience attraction or desire, or they're not interested in sex, and that is that. Celibacy is a choice, while asexuality is a sexual orientation. Please don't conflate the two.

Myth #2: Asexuals hate sex and/or are sex-repulsed.

Asexuals fall along a spectrum, just like everyone else. Some asexual people are sex-repulsed and don't ever want to engage in sex. Others are sex-neutral, where they don't mind it but don't seek it out, either. A small percentage of asexuals are sex-positive, meaning that they enjoy sex for reasons other than desire, for example, they love their partner, they want children, or it feels physically pleasurable. Just like all other sexuality, it lies on a spectrum.

Myth #3: Asexuals are cold and don't experience love.

Asexual people are not "cold" just because they don't experience sexual attraction, and they can, and do, experience love! That's why orientations are often split up into sexual and romantic components. Of course, asexual people can also be aromantic, meaning that they lack romantic attraction to other people. Aromantic people still experience love and want deep connections with other people, but it's familial or platonic in nature. Aromanticism aside, asexual people are just as capable of feeling platonic, familial, and romantic love as anyone else.

Myth #4: People are asexual because of sexual abuse, mental illness, or physical problems, like hormone deficiencies.

Asexuality is a legitimate sexuality, just as hetero-, homo-, bi-, and pansexuality are all legitimate. To claim that it is caused by abuse or mental/physical illness is just as ignorant as claiming that other queer identities are caused by such things. Sexual orientation is formed by a complex intersection of nature and nurture, and most asexual people have never desired sex. It isn't because of abuse, a mental illness, or some kind of hormone deficiency.

Myth #5: Asexual people aren't oppressed or discriminated against, so they shouldn't be allowed in the LGBTQ+ community; or, asexual people aren't queer.

This is completely false. Asexual people are at high risk for sexual assault and violence, including from rapists who claim to want to "fix" their sexual orientation. Asexual people are not accepted by either the straight or the LGBTQ+ community, shunned and discriminated against by both parties. Society pushes the idea that "all healthy and happy people love and want sex," so anyone who goes against that status quo can feel alone or "broken." People think asexuals just being "prudes" or choosing celibacy, ask invasive questions about their sex and love lives, and urge them to "seek help" for their "condition." Asexual people are hardly ever represented in media, and when they are, their portrayals are rife with inaccuracies and stereotypes. In all of these ways and more, asexual people face daily discrimination and erasal. Of course, an asexual person can choose whether or not to personally identify as "queer," as all LGBTQ+ people can, but they should be a welcomed part of the community.