billies girl

head over heels

TW SELF HARM

- today I would be released from the hospital. -

billie hums as she gathers our things scattered across the hospital room. while we were here she had been writing a few new songs for her next album which she and her brother had already named "when we all fall asleep where do we go?". however the name was all I knew about the album, she never told me what the songs were called or what they were about, billie explained to me that her and her brother, finneas, liked to keep songs private till they were released so everyone would be surprised. "it's more rewarding when you can see everyone's reaction at the same time." she would tell me, but that didn't stop me from asking.

"what are you humming?" I ask her, sitting up. I was officially free of needles and cords holding my body to the bed, able to move freely again. id finally been able to get up, get dressed

"I told you, it's a secret." she looks back at me, throwing a sock at me.

I smile at her "tell me what it's about."

she shakes her head, laughing softly "it's about you." she shoves her journal into a bag then takes a seat at the foot of the bed.

"what about me." I pull her, making her lay on the bed beside me.

"well, I guess it's about us."

"ooo" I tap her nose "billies a softie?"

she smirks rolling her eyes "kiss me?" she asks me, maintaining a straight face.

I giggle softly "what- now? right here?"

"yes! here, now, the closet." she grins "when is the next time we are going to be able to make out in a hospital?"

"god.. your mind, billie eilish!" I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

she sits up and pulls me up out of bed, "is that a yes?"

I stare at her for a second, smiling softly. i kiss her abruptly, she kisses back, hard. she presses me against the wall. she grabs at my sweater, reminding me that I had already changed out of the hospital gown, I strip her shirt off first then she takes mine off, her eyes quickly scan my body, eyebrows furrowed. the light from the now open windows showing what she hadn't seen in the darkness of her bedroom. old and new cuts strategically placed on my sides, she turns me around to find more on my lower back, then picks up my wrists only scattered with a few very old scars, her eyes travel up to once again find more on my upper arms. she runs her fingers over the bumps, avoiding the obviously newer ones.

"dude," she whispers breathlessly.

I take my arm back and pull my sweater back on.

"I didn't know it was that bad."

"It doesn't matter, let's just forget it." I start to pack up my things, angrily shoving them into the bag.

"no, maybe we could just 'forget about it' if they were old but most of those were brand fucking new." she takes the bag away from me "what the fuck, y/n?"

"give me my stuff."

"talk to me."

"billie, it doesn't matter." I lean over the bed and grab the bag back from her "I thought you'd already seen them."

"no, no I haven't." she huffs "why? why you doing this shit."

"better than killing myself, right?" I shake my head "i don't think you get how hard shit has been for me, I really don't mean to be that fucking bitch but, it hasn't been great. it's a fucked up coping mechanism from when i was younger. it's stupid but i just can't kick the habit."

"no, you're right. I do not know shit because you haven't told me anything!" she throws her hands up "how am I supposed to know your story if you've chosen to not tell me anything?"

"fine. you want me to fucking tell you billie?"she nods, my hands tremble "I've been in the system since before I'd even finished the second grade, i don't remember a whole lot but I know it wasn't terrible. my mom kinda sucked but she tried, I didn't know much about my dad, was in and out of my life but when he was there he wasn't bad either. life wasn't bad, I had a good home, books, toys, an endless list of friends...but then... one day my mom dumped me on the side of the road a few hours away from home. she didn't say anything to me, she pulled over and dropped a necklace with my name on it into my hand, got back in the car and sped off."

"god, I'm so sorry" her hand rests over mine.

"I sat there, eyes glued onto the road waiting for her car to drive by. it never did." I pause, my mouth becoming dry and my eyes watering "then at some point an old woman found me, she took me to the police. they looked for my mom and dad for a while but nothing ever came up, so they put me in foster care. I hopped homes every couple of months. I stopped trying to make friends seeing as I'd have to leave them in a few weeks, I learned to be quiet and alone. then came the abuse, started as mental but slowly as I moved homes it escalated to physical. and that's when I finally understood that I was unlovable, I mean my mom hated me enough to abandon me so clearly something had to be wrong with me, right? sixth grade I started self harm, holding a lighter to my thighs, snapping rubber bands against my wrists, punching walls. 8th grade i started cutting on top of it all. I did it every day was pretty careless about where, I got caught, obviously. went to a mental hospital, then to helping hands, then I got my shit together and started to do it less and in places that weren't so obvious." I pause "sorry I'm getting carried away. it just- it sucks. it sucks a lot."

she walks around to sit next to me, leaning her head on my shoulder. she laces her fingers through mine "you're not unlovable."

"stop-"

"you're not." she picks her head up to look at me "if you were unlovable I wouldn't be here right now." she turns my head so we are looking at each other "I love you. I am head over heels in love with you. fuck your mom, fuck your dad, fuck mark, fuck mary."

"I love you too." I kiss her cheek "we should probably get going, we are supposed to be at Mary's in half an hour."

"you're not going."

"what?"

"im not going to let you go back."

"but-"

"we will stop by to get permission." she tells me "you can stay with me."

"are you sure?"

she nods simply, planting a kiss on my cheek "let's get going."

i pull my backpack on then head to the front desk to check out.