billies girl

big mad big sad

I dig through my bag looking for something to wear, i pick out one of the sweatshirts i had taken from billie and shorts. i can see ana in the corner of my eye looking me up and down biting her lip. yikes.

after blue went out with his new man, ana has been eye fucking me like crazy. she keeps her eyes on my lips, biting her own. i don't get why she is so gay for me, i don't get why any of them were into me... ana, blue, for fuck sake even billie. im a whole ass mess.

"ana please." i groan

"what? im not doing anything."

i exhale, holding back a whole ass mental breakdown "please" my voice cracks sending me into tears

"yo, you okay?" she asks hopping off the bed and running over to me, trying to bring me into a hug

i shake my head pulling away from her, locking myself in the bathroom. i can't handle this shit right now.

here's how my head works,

keep everything inside

don't let others see your emotions

don't ask for help, that will make you look like you're looking for attention

then i explode, usually while im alone, but it'll end up in my angrily crying and breaking shit, im an aries (obviously) its in my nature to be big mad and big sad

"y/n? love are you okay?" ana asks knocking lightly on the door

i slide down the wall sitting on the cold, gross bathroom floor slamming my fists against the blue tiled floors till my knuckles bleed.

she shakes the door nob, and i can head blue walk in. "hey yall" he shouts then quickly adds "what's going on"

and now im the center of attention, and now i look like that's exactly what im looking for, and now they can see my emotions, and that means ive failed to hide them... again.

"Y/N baby, you okay?" he asks "can i come in?"

i lean over unlocking the door "just you" i say closing the door behind him

he kneels down to my level "what happened"

i shrug "im not good enough?" i clench my eyes shut forcing more tears out, but being not good enough was only one of my long list of feelings ive tried to burry

"love nonono, what makes you think that?"

"thats how everyone treats me... like im nothing, like my feelings don't matter"

he shakes his head "you are!" now he grabs my hand looking at my knuckles, the blood trailing down my hand

i snatch my hand away "i-i just need to take a walk."

"let me go?"

"sure."

he and i shove our way through ana and out the door "k, talk. what's happening?" he asks

"everything" i nervously laugh

"nah spill"

"do i have to?"

"id prefer you do talk about it."

"im scared that im not good enough, im a shit girlfriend, a shit friend, im dead weight, and no one wants to adopt me so imma be sent off into the world in a few months with no parents after fucking 13 years of looking for a family that would love me. do you hear how pathetic that is, 13 years and hundreds of foster homes later and im still alone" i huff "id be better off just killing myself."

he stops walking "w-what?"

"no im sorry- i didn't mean to say that."

"you mean it though?"

i don't answer, i just keep walking

"y/n?"

"no- i didn't mean it."

"don't put us through that."

"i wont.." i may

"we should go back." he frowns turning around

"ill be back in a bit."

and i walk, i walk in circles for around 30 minutes. i don't want to go back crying, i have to stay strong. i have to keep going for billie... i have to be good enough for billie. i need to drive to her show, confess everything and be better, go back to the group home and be strong for her.

i pull out grays phone from my pocket to look through her instagram again, i sit on the motel stairs, right above the maybe murder scene and start to cry all over again. i hope to god i see her tomorrow. i hope she sees me in the crowd. i hope she knows i love her.

(ha bet look at that nearly 800 words, also like this chapter is LITERALLY me venting yall just got a look into the world of gray)