Breaking Point

Chapter 6: Breaking Point

********November 15, 2017*********

I sat in the same spot I've been sitting in since Sunday. It's been a week since I gave birth to my most perfect daughter and I couldn't be more miserable. How does God and the world play the cruelest of jokes on the same person over and over again.

"Mommy's sorry" I rubbed Nova's foot as a tear rolled down "I love you so much baby girl "

I shook my head as I got up from my chair in Nova's NICU room. I grabbed the bag Kay dropped off for me every night then headed to the family room. I stepped into the bathroom and got in the shower letting my tears fall as I thought consume me with memories of the last week.

November 8, 2018 12:23pm Nova Rose Ortega-Carter was born. For two days I would shower and go to the NICU to be with her. Kane was there every night... I hated it but he was my support and was being there when I needed him. After the verdict came back that I was cleared off all charges. He would spend most of the time telling Nova stories from our relationship and apologizing to me. I couldn't forgive him but I knew it would come... until it all turned bad.

Sunday was so gloomy I knew bad news was coming. I didn't even get down to the NICU that morning. Dr. Paisley met me in my room to tell me the medicines and interventions weren't working. Novas lungs were getting weaker. They tested her vision and determine she was going blind. It broke me knowing she'd never see my face. They sedated me for hours to keep me calm enough to see her.

Nova was four days old before I got to hold her. She smiled when her ear touched my chest. It was the only happiness I had in a week. Kane even stop coming for hours. He would come at night and hold her for two hours before leaving. After Sunday's news, I would only speak to Nova when we were alone. I wouldn't respond to doctors or nurses or social workers. I wouldn't speak to Kay or Kane. I felt so dead inside I just could speak to anyone but my daughter.

I got out of the shower and did the rest of my hygiene routine before I step out of the bathroom in my sweat suit. I stopped in my tracks the minute my eyes landed on Parker and the DA. I stared at them but didn't move until they were looking at me.

"What the fuck are you doing here" I approached but stood a few feet back "Get out!"

"G chill---"

"Fuck you Parker" I cut him off "Both of you need to fucking leave now!"

My blood was boiling as I stared at the DA who was looking at Parker. He shook his head and just left out but she didn't follow.

"Are you deaf or do I need to call the police? Get the fuck out!"

"I'm just----"

"You're harassing me!"

"What?"

I took a deep breath before closing my eyes to try and calm down.

"Please lady just leave me alone. I'm innocent and the court proved it. Just go"

"You don't know do you?"

I open my eyes to see her staring at me looking disappointed. She shook her head and looked towards the exit.

"What?"

She sighed then turned "I just came with my fiance to see his child... I'm not here to bother you"

I cocked my head to the side and stared at her. I slowly processed her words before looking towards the window that showed the elevator area. I saw Kay going off on Kane and Parker standing to the side. I cocked my head to the side again as Parker spoke up and they all looked at me. Kane looked shocked then apologetic.

For a flash I saw red, but then I saw Nova in my mind. I shook my head and headed back to the NICU using my mother badge to get to the back. I heard Kane call my name but just kept walking. I asked the nurse to coming put Nova in my arms. I took my seat in the rocking chair by her monitors as the nursed wrapped a blanket around my sleeping baby. She put her in my arms then left.

I rocked as I watched my daughter smile in her sleep. It wasn't long before her eyes open. They had gone from a hazel brown to a white color. The doctors informed me that it was a sign of full blindness. My tears rolled down my face and I watched her.

"Hi mamas" I spoke in a whisper "God has to answer my prayers... I just can't lose you sweet girl. You make me into such a better person. You're the best thing to every happen to me... God never let me meet your brother. I was too young then... but now I need you. I need you here with me baby girl..." she smiled as she moved her little arms "I love you so much honey"

I stopped talking and rocking as someone entered the room. I didn't take my eyes off Nova but the minute they were close enough I knew it was Kane. As much as I wanted to hate him... he was the only one who knew exactly what I was feeling. The only one who was losing the same daughter I was.

He sat in front of the rocking chair on the foot stool and kissed her forehead before laying his head in my lap. We sat still for almost an hours, just preserving the moment. Kane didn't know that today was going to be her last night with us. He wasn't here when the doctors told me that they didn't expect her to continue on like she was. As much as I wanted to tell him, I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud and make it real.

"I love you Nova Rose" I spoke in a whisper "You don't have to hold on baby girl... Mommy and Daddy are here and we will be here together to watch you go home"

The tears poured down my face as I brought her face to my lips. I planted kisses on both her cheeks and her forehead. She smiled up at me before closing her eyes again. Her heart monitor flatlined and I could feel Kane grip me tighter as my sweats got wet from his tears.

"I'll be with you soon my love" I whispered to her again

Nurses came in and cut off her monitors. I held my daughters lifeless body for two hours as they prepared the paperwork to take her away from me. In two hours I felt my heart burn through my chest from the pain. In two hours, I felt my mind snap in two and my soul leave my body with my daughter.

The eventually rolled in a tinted incubator crib with a white cover over it and took her from my arms. I pleaded and pleaded for them to give her back as they placed her inside. They left the room and I finally found the strength to move. I ran after them grabbing at the male nurse pushing the cart towards the restricted area on the other side of the family room.

"Please! Stop! Give me my daughter" I cried yelling once we were out of the NICU "She needs me! She's going to wake up! I have to be there when she wakes up!"

I began hitting his back as I begged him to give her back. I felt Kane wrap his arms around me and hold me as I fought to get to Nova before the doors closed.

"Let me go! Please! Nova! Mommy's here!" I screamed through my tears

"Giovanni please baby" Kane whispered in my ear as I continued to scream "She's gone"

"NO! NO! GET HER BACK! PLEASE"

I screamed over and over as I fought him to let me go. Kane held me tighter the more I fought. I used all of my strength to push him away as we stared at each other. Looking at him, I could see Nova's little face making me back away shaking my head. I backed into a corner and slide to the ground breaking down and screaming out pleas to God.

Kay came over and sat down wrapping me in her arms. She rocked me back and forth and tried to calm me down but I was broken beyond repair. I couldn't breath and started to hyperventilate. I grab my throat trying to breath. Nurses ran towards me calling for help. The last thing I saw was Kane punching a wall before leaning again another and sliding down to the floor crying with his eyes on me.

I closed my eyes praying that I wouldn't wake up.

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It was hard writing this chapter... but I want to dedicated this chapter to all the babies who don't make it home from the hospital.

God protect all the babies preparing for their entrance into the world.