that boy | hwang hyunjin | ✔

Chapter 9

"I'm home..." I say to no one in particular as I enter the house without too much enthusiasm. I close the door behind me and wait for a reply. A reply that never comes. Feeling my mood already dropping, I kick off my shoes and shove them together with my feet before I let my bag fall to the ground and take off my coat.

Already dreading to interact with my mom, I enter the living room, only to find my mom sprawled out onto the couch, intently staring at the phone in her hands. She doesn't even notice my presence until I greet her.

"Hello sweetie," she greets me back. "How was school today?"

"A mess," I reply, not even bothering to sit down in one of the old chairs. I already know I'm going to flee to my room as soon as my mom starts to complain about how sad she is. I care about her and I hate that she's feeling sad. But hearing that every day, it does something to you and I couldn't bear it anymore.

My mom gives me a look with only a slight interest in what I mean and I sigh. "There's a new student" I explain halfheartedly, knowing that she probably doesn't even care. "Everyone is always acting weird and I don't like it."

"Yeah," my mom vaguely replies, already looking at the phone screen. I softly bite my lower lip, trying to convince myself that I'm used to the way she is, that it doesn't hurt anymore. But honestly, it does. It hurts a lot. Sometimes it feels like I'm the responsible mom here, and she's just a distant and depressed teenager. She always needs emotional support, she hardly takes care of me and my brother. When my dad left, he broke a lot more than just my mom's heart. It's like she completely forgot how to function as a mother. I hate it, I just want my mother back.

But  I realized a long time ago that she will never return. Too hurt, too damaged and broken by the man she once loved, trusted. There's nothing that can fix her anymore. So what's the point of even trying? 

I'm not there for her anymore. I've been for many years but it was wearing me out too much. And I never got anything in return. She always remained the same, her depression started to rub off on me so I ended it. Supporting her did more damage to me than that it actually helped her. So I choose myself and my own happiness, I didn't want to reach rock bottom, end up like her.

"What's for dinner?" I ask, fearing the answer already.

My mom just sighs. "I don't know," is her weak reply. "I just ordered something somewhere, I guess it will arrive soon. Are you hungry?"

"No," I react, my tone harsh. My mood has reached freezing point; this happens way too often. She spontaneously forgot how to cook when my dad left so all we eat is cheap food that she ordered somewhere or instant noodles from the convenience store nearby. I can't cook myself, no one ever taught me something and I have no idea what to do and where to start.

The decision is easily made; not even ten minutes after I got home I'm already on my way out. Without saying a word, I turn around and retreat to the hall where I put on some casual sneakers and my coat. And then I'm out.

I quickly zip up my coat as I pace over the sidewalk. It's like the temperature outside has dropped several degrees within the minutes I was inside. It's cold and the sun has disappeared behind some thick clouds that look like they're going to drop a heavy load of rain sooner or later.

Where I'm going? I don't know, as long as they sell some healthy food it's fine with me. I'm fed up with the cheap and unhealthy junk my mom orders. Once is fine, twice maybe. But not every single day of the week. I value good food, proper and varying meals. And I'm not getting that at home. I stay at Felix' place for dinner a lot, but I'm not going to bother them every single day. I've learned to take care of myself a long time ago so I decided for myself that it's better to eat at a healthy restaurant somewhere.

A strong wind that wasn't there before grips on my clothes and hair and I shiver. Fall has hit South Korea in full force, the trees are bare and the skies are grey and gloomy. Everything perfectly matches my mood right now. I dig my hands inside my pockets and bury my chin deeper in the collar of my coat.

It's cold, it's sad. Feelings that have gotten way too familiar for me, almost like demons that refuse to go away. I'm happy when I'm with Felix. But without him around, I just feel lonely and miserable. He's the only person who's there for me, but it's unfair for him to always rely on him without giving the boy a proper break now and then. But the loneliness always kicks in hard when we go separate ways.

But I taught myself not to cry over that a long time ago.

Small drops of rain start falling from the grey sky, gradually becoming more and more and within a matter of seconds, it's pouring. So I pull up my hood and continue my way in silence, the only sound being my soft footsteps, the faint traffic in the distance and the sound of the falling rain. It's fucking wonderful life.

Sometimes I wonder if it isn't already too late. I feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff, about to reach the rock bottom that I fear so much. But then I always question myself; what is the real me? The happy me that enjoys her time with her best friend and laughs a lot, or the sad me that suffers under her mom's issues? And then I would just drop that subject, too confused to think about it further.

Soon, I enter a small restaurant where I've been before. It's quite packed but what do you expect around dinnertime? An empty restaurant all for yourself? My eyes quickly scan the room and I have the luck of finding one empty table in the back of the building. I quickly head over to it, pulling down my hood and removing my hands from my pockets.

I sit down, and there I am. The lonely girl sitting in a cozy restaurant filled with happy families and loving couples. Everyone is laughing and talking about fun stuff and then there's me, sulking on her own in the far corner of the restaurant.

I know it's not supposed to be like this. I know that I'm supposed to have a happy family around me as well, having a nice dinner at home and talking about my day at school. It's unfortunate that life has to be this way. But what can I, a mere 17-years old girl, do about it? If I can't save myself, who will?

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I'm sorry if this chapter sucks. I was actually stuck, not knowing what to do with chapter 9 and then I just started this, with the idea of sketching her rough background and situation at home a bit. But yehh... I don't know.