Month 2

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I looked at myself in the mirror. I always walk around as though I have all the confidence in the world but I'm often sad. I hate my face and body. Sometimes I do feel confident and sexy but that mostly depends on the day and it doesn't happen often. I seem different, no, I feel different. There is something wrong with my body but I can't figure it out. I examined my stomach which still was as flat as can be. No muscle, and seemingly no chub. Maybe a slim bit of chub. I can't have that. It's hardly noticeable but I know it's there and being thin is all I have to feel good about. Plus if the managers find out I'm screwed. Is this why I feel weird? Did I notice this subconsciously? That has to be it. I exited the bathroom quietly and took note of how no one else seemed to be awake yet. I took this opportunity to head to the gym. I must get rid of what I have. While at the gym I started to think about Jooheon, I felt as though it were way to soon to say that I love Him but I really do like him but he hasn't seemed that interested in me. We haven't cuddled or anything since the day we got together. My mind began to race as I panted. It was this moment my phone began to ring. I looked at the screen that read Shownu and answered it. "Hello!" "Hey Min, where you at?" "Oh I'm at the gym." I could hear him let out a sigh on the other end. "We were all worried! It's not like you to just disappear like that without telling at least one person." "Sorry but you guys were all asleep and I didn't wanna wake you up." "It's okay. See you when you get back." "Bye!" "Bye." I clicked end and smiled. It made me happy to know that they worried about me so much. I then gathered up my things and left. As I walked into the dorm my senses were filled by the sweet smell of food.  I have no idea what it is but it smells delicious! I sat down next Jooheon and ate breakfast with the group. After that we went to the studio to practice our choreography for our next song. At  some point during all this I began to feel really dizzy. Perhaps I shouldn't have worked out so hard this morning. I'm sure that's all it is. My thoughts stopped however as the dizziness got to be too much and I fell to the ground. Jooheon was the first one to me and he looked me over. "Are you okay Min?" I nodded. I don't need these guys worrying about me. "I just need some water is all." Kiyhun ran and brought me my bottle and I drank it greedily. It did help some and I stood up slowly. "Let's call it a day shall we?" We all agreed with our leader and headed back to the dorms. As soon as we got there I went straight to bed. I fell asleep and awoke at night. My phone read 9:00 p.m. and I slightly sighed. I still felt so exhausted and tired. I heard the door open and close and saw Jooheon came into change. I silently watched him as he took off his clothes and replaced them with new. He then walked over to my bed and I closed my eyes. I then felt him kiss the top of my head and he then went into his own bed. I wanted to smile but I couldn't. I can't help but feel he is only doing it because I don't feel well. The next morning I felt better and ate breakfast before going to the gym. I'm sure that's what was wrong. I then went back to the dorms and got ready to go to our meet and greet. Whilst there I tried taking pictures with Jooheon but he didn't seem very interested. Before we dated he'd kiss my hand and play around with me, almost like he was teasing but now not so much. The next morning I awoke far later than normal and it seemed as though everyone else was already awake and having fun. I came into the living area and saw that they were all playing a board game. "Hi Min!" I smiled at I.M. and looked at everyone else. My eyes landed on Jooheon and I felt immediate anger. "Hey Jooheon." He looked up at me with his adorable seemingly innocent smile. "Yeah?" "Can I talk to you?" He nodded and stood up he then followed me into our room. He sat down on his bed and I just stood near the doorway. My anger was gone and was instead replaced with sadness. Why am I feeling so emotional? "Do you want to be with me?" I looked at Jooheon as I said this and his eyes widened. "Of course I do! Why would you think otherwise?" "Because! We've been together for a month and we haven't done anything couples do. We haven't held hands, we haven't kissed, we haven't done anything." Jooheon stood up and walked over to me. He then wrapped his arms around me and I fell into them and began to sob. "Why do you hate me so much? Why?" "I don't hate you and I want to be with you more than anything. I'm just afraid to do those things. I don't want management to walk in and see and cause issues for everyone. So instead I kiss your head at night when your sleeping to make up for it. I know you don't know I do it but it helps me feel better." I looked at him. I was sure my eyes were puffy and red. "Every night?" He nodded and smiled at me before kissing my lips. I kissed back, it was short yet sweet. "I'm sorry. I don't know where these emotions are coming from." "It's okay." He then hugged me tighter before letting go and linking our hands together. Wanna come play with us? It's monopoly." I smiled widely at him. "I'd love to!"

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