Star Crossed

Chapter Ninety Five- Farewell Grisha

"Here let me carry those..." I breathed reaching to pick up the pile of books that Lazarus was struggling to carry due to his bandaged arm. Myself and Wiglaf had done a pretty good job at healing it but it was still weak... we had decided against going to the hospital wing... it would lead us to answering questions as to why any of us were dueling unauthorised upon school grounds. 

"I can do it." He snapped pulling the books away from me with a wince, I dropped my arms slowly to my side... Lazarus had been very distant from me since that night. 
"Lazarus..." I breathed. 
"Don't Grisha," he sighed. 
"You were brave Lazarus... we Gryffindors value bravery above all else." I smiled weakly. 
He scoffed, "But not a great wizard. Not more powerful than Tom and that's what you want right. That's what really matters." 
"No... we were just joking... you said it yourself it was taken too far." 
"Oh yes I took it too far Grisha not him." he snapped, I could feel my patience ebbing away as my defences began to rise. 
"Look you were fighting to harm as well don't forget that. I'm sure your spell wouldn't have tickled Riddle if it would have hit him." Lazarus looked at me before quickly looking away again shaking his head. 
"Look... I'm not defending him, believe me I'm just as hurt by his actions as any of us. But are you really going to let it ruin the friendship me and you share? You're like a brother to me... I don't want to lose you over this... this... we can't be together Lazarus. We aren't meant to be not like that..." I sighed... It was like a knife through my heart but I had to...
He was silent for a moment before he dropped his head. 
"I know..." he breathed his dark eyes gleaming as a single tear rolled down his cheek, I couldn't help it as I felt a tear of my own leak down my own cheek as we stood facing each other. 
"But I do love you... just... just not..."
"You love but you're not in love with me." he answered for me, his voice a small whisper. 
"I know... it okay... I guess I've always known... I just had hoped... I always thought that... but it isn't your fault... I just wish he appreciated you." 
I felt taken aback as the tears fell fast and free now down my face. 
"Who?" I croaked. 
"Riddle," he replied, a hint of sadness and bitterness to his voice. 
"I..."
"Oh please Grisha don't insult me... I've seen the way you look at him, the way you hang onto his every word. The way you can see past all his flaws and still be there. You would go to the end's of the earth for him... I just wish I could understand why when he... when he is so cold, so unfeeling." 
"He has a heart" I breathed, "It's hidden but it's there I know it is." 
"You admit you love him?" he asked, "Please I just need you to say it." 
"Lazarus I..." I paused, I couldn't... I had not even admitted it to myself... did I love him... was I in love with Tom Riddle. 
"I don't know what I feel." I replied quietly. 
"I don't want you to get hurt." He breathed another tear falling down his face. "But you need to admit your own feelings to yourself... I don't want to lose you." his voice cracked. I through myself at him encasing him in the tightest hug I felt that I had ever given anyone. 
"You will never lose me," I breathed, I felt his body lose its tension under my grasp as he nodded his head. Lazarus was right... the truth was I think that I am just as afraid of love as Tom is. 

"The train leaves in an hour, you'd better pack your things." I did not turn around to the sound of his familiar voice instead I remained staring at the waterfall flowing down into the small pound below, the birds sat perched  upon the branches of the trees singing as if this was just any other day. 
"Is this how you say goodbye?" I asked coldly still unable to face him, to look into his piercing blue eyes knowing that this could be the very last time I ever did. I had not realised how much I had come to rely on their saphire gaze. 
"Since as you know I am headboy it would be almost impossible to say goodbye on the train so..." 
"What's the matter with you?" I asked unable to stop myself, if this was to be the last time we spoke I needed to know. Why, why hadn't he made any efforts to mend our broken friendships, it's as if none of the past years meant anything to him. 

"Sorry?" He asked, there was no animosity in his tone it was as if nothing had happened I couldn't take it. I spun around to face him, a lump forming in my throat at the sight of him. 
"What's the matter with you? What's the bloody matter!? Why do you always make things go wrong?" He looked at me with a look in his eyes that I had never seen before... there was emotion there... 
"It's like you enjoy seeing the world fall to pieces!" I could feel my eyes burning with tears as I let my frustrations flood out of me. 

"Lazarus will be okay," he sighed, "and Wiglaf well... you know... we are alike in many ways it is normal for us to be in conflict. But he will take his own path as I will follow mine." this was the first time in what felt like months that I had sensed sincerity in his words. 

"And me? What answers do you have for me?" I asked unable to stop my tears, my breath hitched as he took a few steps closer. 
"You are a seeker right? You know too well how the game works. You have to catch the snitch. You have to chase it, you have to grab it to end the game. But it never rests, its unstoppable. It whizzes at stop speed... and if you want to catch it you must not be distracted. You can not think. No past, no future." 
What was he referring to? The heirlooms, love, goals... life in general? Why must he talk in Riddle's, always living up to his name! 
"What about that diary then?" I asked, I had always been curious of that diary, I felt as if it hid the real Tom Riddle... the Tom Riddle he hid from the world... his true soul. 
"Memories are made of something peculiar. Trying to catch them can be dangerous. The good ones there hard to catch... the bad ones on the other hand are even harder to keep away."  
"You will run away won't you?" I blurted. "You will disappear I know. It's in your nature but you can not run away from who you truly are. You can not run away from your past." I wanted him to look at me, to look up at me and admit to me his past, his fears for the future to confide in me one last time... but he did not. 
"Farewell Grisha."  The way he said farewell was as if it was forever. He turned away from me and yet he seemed to have to tear his eyes away from me as if he was taking one final look at me. I had to turn away, hide my face as I let the tears stream down my face. 
"But I love you... and you will never understand how much that hurts... I hate love." I cried out to no one but the birds and the trees.