Star Crossed

Chapter One Hundred and Eleven- A final choice

I stared down into my empty cup, the white china staining from the unwashed tea leaves which clung to the bottom . I was unsure how long I had been sitting in my armchair but it was long enough for the fire to have reduced itself to embers and for the winter sun to just be poking through the thick dense grey clouds beyond the grimy window pains. 

I felt numb, I had no emotions, no thoughts and it scared me more than anything I had ever felt. I wanted so much to feel something, embarrassment, resentment, sadness even but yet I felt nothing. It was as if my heart, my head and my soul had given up entirely, given up fighting for control. It was almost too painful for my mind to recall what had happened the previous night, just a few hours prior but at the same time it would not allow me to think of anything else. 

It was now that I missed Hogwarts and Lazarus and Wiglaf more than ever. Maybe I should have taken Wiglaf's warnings put an end to things before they managed to get to this point. If only I would have accepted Lazarus's advances perhaps we would be engaged or married, living in a grand house talking about our future children's futures. A normal life. I scoffed, I was never meant to have a normal life my heart had seen to that for I never did love Lazarus, I could never have, not like that. No... my heart had given itself freely to him. To the one they all warned me about, to the one my own mind had warned me about but still my heart clung on, clung on to his entrancing nature, his grace, his pose, his intelligence, his hauntingly angelic looks and piercing blue eyes. The tragic background, the repressed pain that I so related to. Those thickly built walls that I so desperately wanted to break down. 

I did feel something... I reached for the feeling, stretching to take a hold of it and examine it. I recognised it as regret, as failure. I had failed to save him, to convince him that there was more to life, to show him what love was. Anger... another familiar emotion which had begun to creep out of the depth of my stomach. Why? Why had he kissed me? He didn't love me, he didn't want us he had made that quiet clear so why! Why punish me, humiliate me and worst of it all... why did I let him? 

Unable to withstand my own thoughts any longer I stood abruptly and walked over to the small kitchen. I looked from the cup to the sink before throwing the cup into the sink with so much force that it shattered into tiny little pieces... 

I moaned as I turned over pulling the covers over my cold exposed skin as I slept dreamlessly, exhausted. I had thrown myself into my work that day, deciding that he was as good as dead to me. I was stronger than  that, I was the Heir of Gryffindor and I would not let any man or woman make me lesser than I truly was. 
The sound of the wind rattling against the open window broke me from my sleep causing my eyes to flicker open and my body to shiver from the unwelcome breeze. Swinging my legs out to the side of the bed I grabbed a hold of my dressing gown, wrapping it around myself I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and walked towards the open window. Still half asleep I reached out my hand to pull it shut, to block out the icy winter chill when my eyes fell on a small envelope sitting upon my windowsill the corners fluttering slightly from the breeze. Forgetting about the window I reached instead down towards the envelope holding it up so that I could read it as I allowed myself to lean against my desk just in front of the open window, almost immune now to the icy cold. I turned it over in my hands, there was nothing written on the outside of the envelope. Curious and still tired I slid my finger under the seal, roughly pulling out the contents with a yawn. I froze as I stared down at the all too familiar Goddamn perfect cursive font. 
"We need to talk. T.M.R." 
I clenched my jaw as I stared down at the parchment in my hand. The old me would have jumped at his beck and call, would have snatched up a quill and started to reply but instead my fist involuntarily closed clushing the parchment into ball before I threw it from the window slamming it shut behind me with a resounding rattling of glass. 

I sighed my hand paused just before the handle of my own front door as I contemplated my decision to come back here. I bit down hard on my lip and pushed down on the handle before I could talk myself out of it. 
I closed the door behind me as I stepped into the entrance hall, controlling my mind not to reply that many memories which this house brought back to me both good and bad. 
"Grandmother..." I croaked out, my voice threatening to break as I lump formed in my throat. When I received no reply I ran my hand throw my hair as I once again bit down on my own lip, "What are you doing..." I muttered to myself, "fool." I turned to leave but was frozen in place by a sharp voice. 
"Grisha," I turned around to see Gavina stood at the bottom of the staircase, her long royal blue chiffon dressing gown floating around her, her white hair up in pin curls. 
"I..." I began but I could not finish as my voice cracked and the tears I had been holding in feel down my cheeks. It was as if seeing the only person I had left in the world had been too much for me, regardless of our differences she was the only link to my family and my past that I had left. 
"What in Merlin is it child?" She asked raising one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows at me, but upon receiving no answer but the echoing sobs of my tears she hurried towards me. 
"You are a McLaggen, now pull yourself together." she instructed me firmly, I nodded my head wiping away the salty tears from my dampened skin. 

I looked down at my hands as I sat upon the comfortable antique sofa beside the roaring fire, I had forgotten how comforting this room had always been. 
"Why did you never marry?" I asked quietly not daring to look up to meet her eyes. 
"What?" she asked sharply. "What are you talking about? Did you fall and bang your head?" she asked impatiently.
"I knew this was a mistake." I sighed shaking my head I stood to leave but was stood by a much softer voice than I was accustomed to. 
"Because sometimes love isn't enough." I turned back around to face her, her face was no longer stern but relaxed, calmly she gestured back towards the sofa. Without thinking I walked slowly back to it sitting down slowly.
"It's that boy isn't it." She said quietly. "The one with eyes made of ice and a voice forged in silver. I saw it all those years ago, it's always been him."
I didn't not answer her but sat staring at her in stunned silence. How did she... 
"One of the most toxic things I have ever done is ignoring the darkness in someone because I loved them." her usually cold eyes held a deep sadness behind them now.  
"I just want..." I breathed but she held up a ring clad hand. 
"You want what most everyone wants. You want a love that consumes you. You want passion, and adventure and maybe even a little danger but this can never last... what you need is loyalty, devotion, security. Remember this Grisha, people who are at war with themselves will always cause collateral damage in the lives of those around them." She reached across grasping a hold of my hands. 
"I walked away when I decided to give up on a lost cause... but there was only ever me who could have made that choice." She smiled sadly. 
"And..." I took a shuddering breath. "Did you make the right choice?" 
"I'll never know." She replied gently.
I stood up wiping the last of the tears from my cheeks. It was those words which made my final decision. I could never live the rest of my life never knowing, she smiled at me as if knowing my that I had made my choice. 
"So like your Mother and Father you are. The bravest people I have ever known. Brave enough to stand by their feelings until the very end." she smiled allowing a tear to fall down her cheek as she nodded to me. Returning her smile I nodded back to her weakly.