close as strangers ↣ joshler ✓

12. Missed

"How was work?"

Tyler walked in, seeing Jenna laying on the couch and watching TV. Her blonde hair was pulled back and she had a blanket up to her chin. Tyler then realized just how cold it was getting outside. Not super cold, but a contrast from the warm months previously to the early mid-October weather they were now experiencing.

The brunette opened his mouth and was about to respond when he realized something, closing his mouth instead.

He couldn't tell Jenna.

He couldn't tell anyone.

It was confidential. Even if it didn't violate the rules as a therapist, it violated the rules of being a good person. No one needed to know Josh had to go to therapy unless Josh wanted them to know.

Besides, Jenna hated Josh. She had been the one who listened to Tyler's endless phone calls where he had cried for hours. And this went on for months so he knew Jenna had developed a distaste for Tyler's ex.

"Uh," he cleared his throat. "It was fine."

"Is there anything you can tell me about your patient?"

He pondered for a moment. "I mean it was nothing rough or heavy if that's what you're wondering. Pretty easy, actually," he told Jenna to satisfy her curiosity.

"Okay good," Jenna looked at him, her blue eyes sad. "I don't want you to bury yourself in work. You did that when you were college and I had to call you to remind you to eat and stuff. I know you're an ambitious person but I don't want you to develop an unhealthy relationship with that again."

The only reason Tyler did that was because he felt immense guilt and heartbreak for what had happened with Josh and he needed to keep his mind off of it. He remembered Ryan had been the only one who was able to get him out of that funk. "I'll be fine," Tyler promised. He hoped he meant it. "I don't think they're coming back though. They seemed too uncomfortable."

"Hey," Jenna sat up. "That's not your fault. I want you to know that. Some people just don't feel comfortable with that kind of stuff. That's all."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "I don't feel very good I'm gonna go lie down."

"Okay. Do you still wanna make dinner together? Or are you not up for it? We can order something."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Chinese?"

"Sure," Tyler smiled. "Thanks, Jen."

"Of course, Ty."

---

"Why are you here, Josh?"

"You've read my file. You know."

Tyler refrained from sighing. "I wanna hear it from you."

Josh sat there, his knees against his chest with his arms wrapped around them. He looked down and didn't reply at first, making Tyler think he wasn't going to respond at all. He watched Josh take off his snapback and run a hand through his blonde hair before putting the hat back on, backwards, just like before. "I'm here because of you," he spoke quietly.

Tyler felt his heart sink. "What?"

"I don't really know I guess," he shrugged. "After you left I used to have panic attacks all the time and if anyone tried to leave me I'd freak out. Hayley and Ashley had to stay the night a lot. My siblings slept in my room sometimes too. I had nightmares. I guess I was just scared of being lonely.

"I started dating Reagan five years ago and I ended up moving out into the house I live in now when I was twenty one. I met Reagan a year after that and then asked her to move in two years after that," he continued. "I was doing really good for awhile, y'know a few panic attacks every so often from stress and built up anxiety. I mean you knew how my anxiety could get when we were friends. I guess I didn't get panic attacks until after we stopped talking. Then I had a nightmare and three panic attacks in a week so Reagan told me I should go see someone."

Tyler felt like absolute shit. He felt like a monster. He didn't know he caused all this trouble for Josh. He had thought Josh hated him. That's why he did what he did.

"I'm so sorry," Tyler looked at him, swallowing thickly. Josh looked up and Tyler saw tears in his eyes. "I'm so sorry things ended like they did. I know I can't take back the nine years it's been but I hope you can move forward now," he said sincerely, tears gathering in his own eyes.

"I'm sorry too," Josh replied. "I should have talked to you instead of drinking away my issues and passing out. That's why I wasn't there— because I was a dumb teenager," he laughed lightly, wiping his eyes. "I swear I would have been there to at least say goodbye but I still planned on going up with you. I'm really sorry for doing that to you," he paused. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Go ahead," Tyler sniffled, making the two laugh gently.

"Why'd you block me?" Josh's lip quivered and Tyler's head was barely above the guilt flood.

"I thought you hated me, J," Tyler told him. "I said all that nasty shit to you and I thought you never wanted to see me again since you wanted me to leave and didn't answer me when I called or texted. I did it so I could move on because I knew if I didn't I was going to fester over it and I couldn't do that."

"I didn't hate you at first," Josh whispered. "I hated you after you left though. I spent nine years wasting all my energy on hating you," he froze. "We're so dumb. We could have talked about this and instead we split the friend group and went through so much avoidable sadness and heartbreak. We're idiots."

"Some things never change," Tyler replied, making Josh laugh.

"I guess they don't," Josh responded back. "I missed you, Ty."

"I missed you too, Josh."

Little did Josh know, Tyler missed him in a different way.