Avengers Oneshots

deadpool x reader

Warning: Deadpool ahead

Wade draped an arm over your shoulder and gestured with his hand to the horizon. "We're going on an adventure".

You made a face of disgust and slipped out from under his hold. "Wade get out. If my dad catches you here you're dead".

He placed a hand on his chest in mock hurt. "I can't die. You don't fucking know me".

You rolled your eyes at his antics. "Seriously you need to leave. I have a friend coming over to work on a class assignment".

"What class? Is it art? I would be an amazing model". He ran over to your bed and struck a pose on it. "Draped or undraped?".

You pinched the bridge of your nose. "You need to leave. You'll scare him off".

"He? Does daddy approve of him?".

"My dad doesn't even approve of my friendship with you. Besides, I can make my own decisions".

He ran over to you and wrapped you in a tight hug. He sniffled. "They grow up so fast".

You shrugged him off. " Doesn't Russell have his first mission today?".

"Not important".

You placed your hands on your hips and gave him an incredulous look. "Collosus is going to kill you".

He shrugged non-commitally. "Figures. I did refill the soap dispenser last time I was over". He gasped suddenly and grabbed you by the shoulders. "I remember why I came over. I'm pregnant".

You met him with a skeptical raise of an eyebrow. You could hardly cope with Wade's mood swings on a normal note but this was getting ridiculous. "I don't think that's how it works".

"I mean Vanessa's pregnant. Good thing those screenwriters brought her back. Bless Ryan Reynolds".

"Wade, I'm so happy for you".

"I know. I'm thinking of naming him/her Cable".

"And what does Vanessa think?"

" She'll have no choice but to concur after I go home tonight and give her some sweet, sweet-"

You covered your ears with your hands. "Stop. I don't want to anything about your nasty activities".

"Don't be such a fucking prude (y/n).".

You pushed him backwards, toward the door. "Nice seeing you but Peter will be here soon".

"Peter Parker? Oh he's long gone sweetie. Dusted to the dismay of the fangirls".

"What?"

"Sorry. Even I can't control what Brolin does in his free time".

"Wade, what are you talking about?".

"Thanos came. Of course you don't fucking know. Different universe. And you're Reed Richards daughter so I am seriously breaching company rights. But Marvel bought me (y/n). They finally pulled their heads out of their asses and saw how important I am. I'm worth so fucking much".

You sat on your bed still processing. Wade chatted on much to your dismay. "So much fucking money. I could buy Chuckie Cheese and eat the heck out of his ass".

"Shut for a second".

"Rude. And to think I came here to mentor you. You're such a communist".

Your eyebrows rose high on your face. "Uh... Wade something's happening to you".

He looked down at his arm which had started flaking away. "I'm being dusted? The actual fuck? What kind of minor character shit is this? That purple shrivelled up dick needs to stop".

His leg slowly began to flake away too. "Wait (y/n) this is great"

"How so?"

"I'll be in avengers 4. Oh man, it's like the subject of all my dirty dreams. Ill felt to meet every glorious hot as hell man in marvel. If they don't bring Loki back, fangirls are gonna fucking riot".

One leg was completely gone and the other was halfway through flaking away. "What about Vanessa?"

He put a finger to his chin in his classic thinking-face way. "This is a big opportunity munchkin. When I come back I can get all the avengers to sign my baby's face. Isn't that amazing?".

It sounded horrifying. His torso flaked away at a faster speed. "A few words before I go. You bunch of mothefucking ragamuffins I call my friends better have a king sized pile of chimichangs waiting for me".

"Priorities Wade. Honestly".

He had only his neck and head left. "Ooh. Time to say something cool. PG-13 marvel couldn't let L.Jackson say motherfucker. The motherf-".

The rest of his head flaked off and the remaining dust particles came to rest on your carpet. You had a few calls to make. But this piece of silence could not go wasted. Who knows if Wade would kill Thanos and be back in time for dinner