I used to do this thing. Don't know when I started doing it, definitely when I first moved. But I only did it there, haven't done it since. It's a dumb thing. I would, okay, so like, my dad always picked me up. Everyday in this blue car we called the blueberry. It's not clever, I know. Anyways he'd pick me up, and he'd usually be on the phone with some work person so I'd just be staring out the window for the 15 minute drive. In my head, I'd go through the whole day. Every class period, math, ELA, lunch, all of it. And I'd try and add up all the good things that happened, and all the bad ones.
It's weird! I don't know, I don't know why I did it. I think...I just wasn't feeling much anymore. I made myself stop feeling things cuz I knew if I did fell, I'd only be sad all the time. Sad and lonely. Figured feeling nothing was better than feeling all that.
I'd go through the day, tally up all the good and bad, then whichever there was more of, that's what I counted the day as. A good day or a bad one. And that was just fine for a while. Then...then there just...stopped being good days. Fewer and fewer good things would happen, so there'd be fewer and fewer good days. Until...until...they were all bad. I couldn't find a single good thing anymore.
That's when I said fuck it. I'm leaving. I'm getting out of here. I couldn't do it anymore.
