When I say I do not want kids it's not because I do not love them. I do. Everything about them I think is wonderful. Their world is a piece of blue construction paper and everything is paint. Everything is theirs and they are right.
When I say I do not want kids what I mean is I have watched my mother put our lives before hers time and time again, a skipping record repeating the same tune, not because it is broken, but because she etched the skip into her own flesh like habit.
When I say I do not want kids what I mean is I am selfish. I have too much life to live to split myself in half and half and half again. I will not lose myself. I will not start taking the pills that make my mother a ghost haunting her own home her own family.
I will not be worn to the thinness of her, still expected to bear the weight of the world. I am not strong enough I know and I do not want to test that strength.
I will not be responsible for the trauma my children will find. Trauma cannot hide and there is too much of my own for them to discover. Inherently poisonous. I will not risk infecting them. I will not. I will not. I will NOT.
When I say I do not want kids what I mean is I am sorry my mother ever had us because we drained her. We drained her of the future she saw as a kid and I did that I did that I did that I did that I tore the dream from her 19 year old body and sipped it like sweet life and you cannot give that back.
When I say I do not want kids what I mean is there are some things I just should not touch.
