I wonder if my parents would be disappointed, if only they knew to be.
I wonder how honey could mean salvation and luxury, and starvation and gluttony. I wonder if I'm supposed to eat the cap or the whole thing, stem included. Guidance misused and there is no one to tell me to stop. Only my own mind convincing me what it's not. I was 13 the first time my lips curled around a blunt. That pull, it stung like bad paper. She did not yet know how to roll and I did not know how to smoke and together we were the perfect pair.
The first time I drank, enough to be drunk drank, I was 13 again and making fast friends with the third floor bathroom stall. I am thankful Juul's were not really there because I was so happy to be gone off anything I would have inhaled mango nicotine without a second thought.
I was 17 the first time I popped pills and it was all downhill from there because how does one come back from powdered relax? That's easy. They don't. The question was rhetorical, green white and yellow capsules, dissolved into sink water sips. It's a sign of the times. The fact that I can cop anything anytime anywhere is a sign of the coming end. The fact that I'm constantly trying to get the smell of smoke out of my body, the sound of frank into my ears, is a sign.
Damn I love my life.
Writing makes me love my life. Makes me realize all that there is to love. I hate when life is marked by death, but I could crash this Bronx bound D train right now and be so happy to burn. And when this all comes crashing down, and crash it will, I will look back on my high school years with a smile so wide it breaks. Out of the taxi, into chase, into the A train all in 2 minutes with 40 new dollars in my pocket. Up the Avenue, up the block, outside the jects in the pitch black of night. Drug dealers rarely look how you think they will. In the Columbus circle door with cops on every metro machine, can't catch me. That was corny but I had to do it. Into the D train that just happens to be running express, up three stops to Tremont to surprise my bestest person. My best fucking friend.
Up up up. Even when I'm sober I'm chasing after a high. Even when I'm up I know there is farther to go.
Waiting for me on the other side of the clouds.
On the other side of the smoke.
