When I Leave, and Other Broken Promises

Mending Fences and Other Pointless Endeavors

May 12, Tuesday

Dear Curt,

I know you hate me, and you have every right to. I don't deserve the opportunity to explain myself, but I hope you'll allow me to try anyway. If, after reading this, you still want nothing to do with me, I won't blame you at all. At least then you'll have the whole truth.

First, let me say that I still love you as much as ever. I'm not sure what kind of love that is, but I know it's love and I know it's real. I think I've always loved you, even when we were in middle school. You belonged to me and I belonged to you. I couldn't imagine doing anything without you. Then Lindsey came into the picture.

I'm not even sure how I felt about her, honestly. I think I was kind of in shock, actually, but I don't recall jealousy being my first emotion. Maybe I was just surprised? But, then I came out of school that one afternoon and saw the two of you kissing by her car. I felt as though she'd stepped into my territory in a way that I hadn't really noticed before. I think back on it now and I guess I felt jealous then because I was afraid that she might replace me as the most important person in your life. I think I decided I wanted you as a boyfriend then just so that no one else could ever get that close to you. I wanted to be your number one.

When I met Will, he wasn't supposed to be anything special. In fact, when he kissed me and I told him he was my first, he freaked out. He didn't talk to me for days after that. I decided then that he was all wrong for me. I actually ended it with him then, but he didn't want to. At the time I thought it was because he really liked me, but now I wonder if he felt anything at all. When you said that Will was a user and a player, I didn't want to believe you, but deep down, I knew you were right. He may have played around with the idea of caring about me, but I don't think it was ever anything real.

Now, I don't know what to think. I've already come to terms with the fact that Will probably never really cared. It hurts a lot, but I can learn to live with it. But, if I thought you hated me forever, I don't know how I could ever make peace with that. I may not love you in the way that I thought I did, but I DO love you and always will. I just hope you can someday find it in your heart to forgive me.

Love,

Your Candy Girl

Candice read the letter over and over again before sealing the envelope. Jillian was on her way over to pick it up. Curt had eliminated all avenues of contact for Candice. He'd blocked her on Facebook, unfollowed her on Twitter, wouldn't take her calls or texts, and ignored her at school. To twist the knife even further, he'd allowed the rumor mill to have its way with her, in spite of the fact that, with his popularity and influence, he could easily have shut it down. As a result, the whole school knew (or thought they knew) about her betrayal. Everyone, it seemed, was casting sidelong glances at her as she moved through the hallways. Strangely, no one said much of anything about Will or his involvement in the scandal, so he was saved any social humiliation as a result of his actions. Meanwhile, Candice was the subject of cafeteria gossip, malicious Tweets, and stinging status updates.

Through it all, Candice said nothing. She sat with Jillian and Phil during lunch and avoided eye contact with anyone except teachers the rest of the time. Mentally, she counted down the days until summer vacation, praying that, somehow, she'd be able to talk her mother into allowing her to apply for early graduation, correspondence classes, or even a switch in schools. If she had to come back to East Jefferson High School in the fall and be subjected to more malicious gossip, she was sure she'd lose her mind.

"How you doing?" Jillian asked later that day as she sat on Candice's bed, eyeing her friend with concern. Candice's pink cheeks were now pale and sunken, and her eyes were vacant and listless. She slept poorly and rarely ate due to the stress she faced daily.