R e t r o s p e c t • PSYPHY

Chapter 1: H i n d s i g h t

From dawn till dusk. I remember the day of which you lived, to the very day of which you'll die. I remember your pain and disdain - your scorn when you were torn, or merely pricked by a thorn. I remember your smile, your bliss of which I remiss and your mother's pleasant kiss when I got like this. And just as I wept so did the sky - its luminescence a bright and fiery orange. It depicted the sheer strength your mother had on the day of your birth. I remember your voice - the pitch, the notes from the symphony of your shriek had etched into my memory. Little did we know it was an act of infamy. An infinite loop that was branded in our very name. And still, I would succumb to this fate. To the eternal cycle that was our kinship curse. Just so you, you could live on this very earth and to touch - and feel...walk through the grains of the sands of time.

I stared at it wide-eyed. My mind and body was in a swirling concoction of emotions. I could feel my eyes tearing up the longer I stared. My father's will, was entirely devised for me. "I don't deserve this..." I immediately thought. However it seemed that notion escaped my head orally. "This is...insanity," I muttered to myself. The paper began to shake from my trembling - though I quickly tried to lessen my innate quaking. Whenever I felt strongly about something my hands would insist upon showing it. This, my father's will, initially meant nothing to me. Dad had been sick for a long time...you start to go numb to that sort of thing after a while. I especially had to toughen up, because my older siblings were already drowning in despair. They couldn't handle the thought of dad dying... But the sad part was...I could.

"What'd you mean it's fatal?! You didn't even go to the doctor and you're already saying stuff like that? What the hell is wrong with you, Stintin?!"

Mother was unfiltered. She spoke her mind and didn't have a care in the world for who heard it. Whenever she was mad at dad, she'd call him by his surname. It was a perfect indication because everyone in the family knew that she despised that name. When they were married, she even managed to retain her maiden name; Smith. So our family was literally a group of Smiths and Stintins, all stuck under one roof. "Nicole calm yourself. I told you I wasn't well - it's not my fault that you didn't believe me."

Mom sped towards him with her finger aiming between his eyes. "Don't you ever, ever say something like that again."

Yes, one didn't even have to ask. Our family was obviously dysfunctional. The odd thing was that they accepted it and went on in the most functional of ways they could. "Look I'm not gonna sit here and act like-ehem," There it goes again. Every time they fought they would repeat the same course of events. Dad would say some snarky remark. Mom would send us all to our rooms. Dad would remind her that he's sick. Mom would become hysterical - occasionally throwing a piece of furniture or two. Then dad would cough mid-sentence, and the fight would be over.

"...I'm sorry," Nicole said, "Sometimes I just...forget, okay? It's really hard to..."

"It's fine. I know it's difficult holding such, knowledge." Dad said.

My dad was a kind soul - even if he masked it with gauging wrath. He always knew what to say, and when to say it. It was like he was a hundred years older than he led on. So wise, almost majestic in the way he tactfully professed. But the more I thought about him - the more I discoursed. And everyone on the train shouldn't have to be burdened by my problems. At this point I couldn't help it. It always seemed harder to control something when you weren't allowed to do it. Like laughing, or in this instance; crying. "Don't let anyone see you cry...that's what you always told me, right?" I spoke in soft murmurs.

I spared mom, sis, and even my brother; Jared. I was closest to him in the family. "Dammit," I cursed; wiping my tears with my sleeve. "Why did I have to do this by myself... Just because I'm eighteen doesn't mean I should mourn alone like this." I thought about taking my phone and just going to the bathroom. It'd be much easier to just ball my eyes out in solitude - plus I could call Jared if I really needed to. Hell I could even call sis; Gabby tended to not answer the phone though - when she was mad at someone. And I couldn't call mom either because we were feuding. I oftentimes disagreed with whatever my mother said. It was never the same after dad left but, inside we always knew that we'd never see him again.