Killer Queen|✔️ (Book 1)

27. Don't Call It a Fight When You Know It's a War

March

It was back to business as usual. I finally had my pills rushing through my blood, as I made my way to the cafeteria. After spending my first night alone in a week, I'd been up all night plotting, planning, obsessing and driving myself insane. I had to pick up where I left off with Dan. The chairs were already set up in rows when I entered the cafeteria. I found Kiwi in the second room, sitting at one of the tables, just staring at a wall. He looked tired and his eyes looked glazed over. My stomach turned as I anticipated an argument. He did not look like he was in the mood for my bullshit.

     He turned his head to me as I sat down, slowly, like he was a robot.
T: "What's wrong with you?"
K: "I was up all night, I'm just tired."
T: "Up all night doing what?"
K: "Thinking."
I found it odd that he wasn't trying to tell me every intimate detail of his thoughts, especially if they were enough to keep him awake for hours.
T: "Thinking about what?"
K: "...Do you think it's hard to sleep by yourself?"
He spoke without looking at me.
T: "You mean in general or sleeping without you?" He finally looked me in the eyes, reminding me of an animatronic at a theme park; that blank, intense stare like they want to steal your life force.
K: "Without me."
T: "Yeah. I've noticed it for a few months."
K: "Why didn't you tell me?"
T: "I didn't think it was important. If I stayed over anymore often, your mom would probably ask me to pitch in for bills, so I figured I oughta learn to cope with it."
K: "I almost came over last night. I couldn't sleep. I got dressed and everything but I realized by the time I got there, it'd be time to get up."
T: "Were you planning on texting me you were coming?"
K: "You'd know."
I assumed he was referring to the strange since we got when the other was around before we actually saw each other. He told me he could tell when I was close to his house and he needed to come outside and get me, when I came over; he didn't need me to text him.
T: "My mom always says no boys in my room, so I never bothered to ask if you could stay over."
K: "What's the difference if I stay in your room or you stay in mine? She willingly brings you to my room, for christ's sake. How does that make sense?"
T: "I never thought of that. She set that rule before I met you. Maybe she would let you stay since there really is no difference. I'd get pregnant in your room the same way I'd get pregnant in mine."
He looked down at the table without responding...or even breathing, it looked like.

    
T: "I know you don't wanna hear this but are you sure Dan said I could have his screenname?"
K: "Positive." 
T: "He didn't respond. Well no, he did respond; apologizing for blocking me. Can you just ask him why he did that?"
He made a stern face, like a father about to lecture his daughter. I tensed up and braced myself , like I was standing in the ocean and knew there was no escaping the huge wave about to crash into me.
K: "Taylor, I told you I wasn't talking to him anymore. I was supposed to be eliminated from the equation after you got the screenname. And even if I do, it won't work, just like it never does."
T: "I need to talk to him in person and you're gonna ask him, and I'll tell you why you're gonna ask him. You know better than to fuck with me. Do not frustrate me or aggravate me because I'm already a little insane and you have no idea what I'm going through. Do not fuck with my health."
I must've looked just as shocked as he did. I didn't mean to say that; it just came out. It didn't even sound like me. I wished I could take it back.
K: "...I fucking hate that kid."      
T: "Why? He didn't do anything to you."
K: "I hate the way he messes with you. I hate what it does to you. Maybe he's not nervous or scared or shy. Maybe he's just a dick."
T: "Not Dan." 
K: "Yes, Dan! You give him too much credit. You don't need him, not if you have to fight this hard. He doesn't deserve you!"
If I wasn't so high, I would've been embarrassed at my behavior. Embarrassed I'd let him see me that way and that I'd spoken to him like that. I didn't understand why he was putting up with it but I was too afraid to ask because he might realize he didn't have to and walk away.
K: "Are you sure you wanna do this?" 
T: "I have no choice." 
K: "You know he'd be a god-awful boyfriend, if that's your ultimate goal."
I considered what he said. I knew he was right but I didn't care. I wanted to find out the hard way. For the same reasons you're girlfriends don't listen to your guy advice when you tell them the guy they like is a cheat or an asshole or the scum of the earth. It's not that they don't know you're right but on that slim off-chance that you're wrong, they're gonna stick around just to make sure.