Miles Away | Nick Mara

Forty

I ran out the door, stumbling onto the street. I couldn't see him. There was nothing there; no cars, no people, nothing. I took out my phone, scrolling down my contacts to call him. No answer. He'd turned his phone off. I sank to the ground, tears streaming down my cheeks in panic and regret. I stood up again, wiping my cheeks with the sleeve of my hoodie.

I stood up. Slowly beginning to walk, I called Nick's mom. She picked up almost as soon as I dialed her number. Her voice was sweet and comforting, almost like the sound of my mom's voice. When I asked her if Nick was home, she said that he hadn't come in yet, and that she thinks he's still on his way from the airport. We hung up.

I walked to every place I could think of; downtown, the library, a small cafe that he used to love. I didn't know where else he could've gone. Unless, he decided to go back home, back to California. Just the thought scared me.

Then it hit me; the rooftop. A few years ago, he took me to the rooftop of the town police station. He said that it was the place he'd run away to when he was little, sometimes with his brother, when he was going through some things that he didn't want others to know. He'd sit at the edge of the building and watch the sun set, and it would make him feel a little better: at peace.

I ran to the station, going as fast as I could, wanting to get there before dark. After jumping the gate to the back of the building, I shoved my phone in the back pocket of my shorts and climbed the ladder attached to the wall. As I reached the top, I could see someone sitting on the other side. Nick.

I walked slowly towards him, trying to figure out what I'd say. But before I could bring myself together, he turned around. Our eyes met. I couldn't see him clearly; the sun was beginning to set behind him, turning into all different shades of orange and yellow, with slight hints of pink and purple. He stood up, walking towards me. Not knowing what to do, I stood still,  scared that he'd walk straight past me and leave.

But he stood in front of me, only a few inches away. 

"Aubri I can't do this anymore."

I could see the hurt and pain in his eyes. The way they glistened, and the way he looked at me. I could see his pain. His hand lingered around mine, contemplating if they should reach out. In the end, he put them in his pockets.

"You either want 'us' or you dont." His voice broke.

"You think I don't?" My eyes watered.

"I don't know." He whispered gently. "I know I love you. I know I've been loving you since the day I first met you. I know I want this more than I want anything else in this world. But I also know I can't stand this pain anymore. The way you just pick up and leave, and give up so easily. I can't deal with that anymore."

"You think I want to give up on this?" I breathed out slowly, promising myself that I wouldn't cry. "You think this is a game to me? This is the one thing I can't give up on. You're the one person I can't hurt, or disappoint. I am literally in love with you, Nick."

A tear rolled down his cheek. I reached up, wiping it away with my fingers.

"You're the one person I can't lose." I said. "But I have to keep you a certain distance away, so that when I explode or self-destruct, you'd still be okay."

He shook his head with a soft laugh. "That's not how it works. You keep the person you love closer to you, so you don't have to explode or self-destruct."

I didn't know what to say. He supported and loved every part of me, and I didn't know what to do about it.

"I'm scared." I whispered after a moment of silence.

"Me too." He kissed me forehead and pulled me into a hug.

My head rested on his shoulder, a few tears dripping onto his sweatshirt. The way he smelled was calming; like home, like something I can't explain.