Antagonym

Chapter 42

Being able to wake up in Beck's arms the morning after and not panic about anything was concept that was completely foreign to me, but I wasn't mad about it. I knew Beck and I couldn't tell anyone about the things that went on between us behind closed doors, but it still felt like a relief. All the stress I had about what the future would hold for our friendship seemed to disappear. Sure, I could fixate on what would happen in the draft but right now I was still too high on cloud nine to care.

The two of us must have been stuck in a fantasy world, all of the sexual tension that had been between us for six months coming to fruition in one day. I wouldn't call us sex crazed, but there was definitely something there. I honestly couldn't tell you how long we went at it last night. Then in the morning I got bent over the kitchen counter and after that I ended up getting fucked in the shower. It was like we were horny high schoolers all over again, going at it whenever we got the chance.

When I finally left Beck alone it was past mid day and I had to go workout with Sebastian at the gym in our apartment complex. Let's just say after the past twelve hours I've had, working out wasn't my favorite activity. The soreness between my legs was a cruel reminder of how large the hockey forward was. It was a blessing and curse for me. Though maybe it was only a curse when I've been having sex for six hours in the past day.

My breath was heaving as I set the bar down on the black mat, the barbell clinking softly against the round weights on the ends. I stood up an leaned my head over wiping my forehead with the black T-shirt I was wearing. "Since when do you wear a shirt when we work out?" Sebastian questioned from behind me, moving from his spiting position to grab his green Gatorade water bottle off the bench to my right. Both of us were covered in sweat from our half marathon run and the weight training we ran through on days off. I had to keep my endurance and reflexes up and players like Seb and Beck had to keep bulking to try and be the bigger guys on the ice.

"Since when is it any of your business?" I asked, snatching my own bottle and guzzling the cool water that rushed down my throat.

Sebastian shrugged innocently, putting his bottle down and passing me on his way to the back extension equipment. I watched him hold a fifty pound disk to his chest and lean over, starting his repetitions. "I'm just pointing out the obvious. I've worked out with you for four years now and you never wear your hair down either." His deep brown eyes twinkled with mischief as a smirk appeared on his face. "You dirty little skank, you fucked Beck last night, didn't you?"

It was a good thing my face was already red and worn out so he couldn't see my blush. "No," I drawled, sitting on the ground and picking up a medicine ball. "I'm just hiding the scars from our platonic wax dripping," I recalled Seb's joke from the pizza place a few weeks ago.

My core burned as I did Russian twists, my face pretending this was a totally normal feeling workout. "You did have sex with him!" Seb called me out in the empty gym. "You would have denied it like that if it wasn't true."

My best friend knew me too well.

"So tell me," Seb breathed jokingly with a weak smile, halting his exercise for a minute to watch my reaction. "What exactly are we hiding now? A few hickeys?"

"Fuck off, Sebastian. I have pale skin, shit shows up," I grumbled through my aching muscles. I set the medicine ball down, laying flat on the ground in relief. I only had one hickey on my neck, but there were enough on my breasts to show with a sports bra. It was nothing compared to the handprint on my ass or the claw marks on Beck's back. I don't think either one of us would survive our current rate of rough sex. "Just because you're single doesn't mean you need to bother me because of it."

"Wait. Wait. Wait. Hold the phone," the disk let out a soft thud on the mat. I lifted my head up from the ground to look at Sebastian getting up from the machine. "You're not single? As in you and Sampson, the guy you aren't allowed to date, are a thing? Where the fuck have I been?"

"You going to let me gossip like Axel does or are you going to bitch about it?"

"No, no, no. I've been riding this ship way too long; spill."

"You can't tell anyone, Seb," I said seriously, sitting up and resting my arms on my knees. The right defender put his weight back on the rack before sitting down across from me on the floor, also resting his elbows on his knees.

"I can't believe you're even saying that to me, Danny. But yes, I can keep a secret." He was right. For four years Sebastian had kept my rape and my suicide attempts a closely guarded secret, even from Axel. "So what the hell happened because last I heard you were worried about your career. Now you've gone from hopelessly trying to fuck to dating."

"Should I start at the beginning?" I asked myself but the look on Sebastian's face told me the answer right away. "Okay so in New York he fingered me and we just never talk about it. In Minnesota after you left we needed up making out in the club and at the hotel but we didn't hook up. This whole time I've been in love with my best friend and I wasn't getting over him very well if you couldn't tell. Yesterday when we went to Sylvia's office he almost kissed me but didn't. Then we got back to his apartment he told me he couldn't do this anymore. I swear I almost had a heart attack."

"Couldn't do what?"

"He told me he's the one in love with me and we needed space so he could move on. I kind of had like a mental breakdown and ended up confessing my feelings. But, Seb I'm so scared about the future. I don't know how Beck managed to convince me to forget about the draft and our uncertain future but next thing I know we're having sex. Technically we've only been dating since this morning, though."

"And was that before or after round three thousand?" Sebastian quirked a cocky eyebrow.

"Before," I rolled my eyes at him. "But I don't know, Seb. I'm scared. Can I even mentally handle a breakup? Beck's trying to tell me everything will be okay even if we're long distance but I'm nervous. I love him but I can't lose him," I confessed honestly to Sebastian. He had always been there for through my darkest times, it felt normal to tell him everything. Sometimes I thought Beck and Sebastian knew me better than I knew myself. They were both professionals at helping my through my crisis'. The only problem was Beckett happened to be in the middle of this one.

"If you love him, then it will be enough, Danny. Neither of us will feed you lies and act like everything will be perfect, but I consider both of you my best friends. If I know one thing, it's that Beck would move heaven and earth to make this work. Don't think about if there is a breakup, just think about now and how good it makes you feel, because you deserve to feel that all the time." He paused, looking me in the eyes with his mahogany ones. "You've been in pain for along time, Danny. Everyone's seen you change with Beck around, but I just want you to be able to feel like this for yourself, not for someone else."

"I'm working on it, Seb," I whispered. The PTSD, the seasonal depression, the abandonment issues, and even my views of my body flip flopped on a daily basis but I was working to fix it; to learn to live everything about myself. It just took time, and I know Sebastian knew that. He saw I was trying and that meant a lot that he was supporting me through it.

"I know you are. I just don't want you to give up." He didn't have to continue. I knew what he was thinking; because when I'm on my own in another part of the continent, my loved ones needed to know I'd be okay. "I love you, Danielle. I'll always have your back."

"You too, Sebastian. I'd walk through fire for you," I spoke honestly.

"And we'll leave with matching burns."

That we would, because this man was my brother and I would die without him.