Letting in Light ✔️ [Completed] [Book two]

Chapter 45

I lean back against Daniel's firm chest as we lie in bed. The usual exhaustion I have felt since being discharged from hospital two weeks ago threatens to lull me back into a restless sleep. Daniel absentmindedly swirls a strand of my long hair around his finger, as the other hand holds his phone while he checks his emails.

The brightness of the April afternoon bathes the bedroom in light. The master bedroom of our rented house is bigger than the entirety of my old flat. It is completely stark white from the whitewash floorboards, to the bed linen, up the walls which then blend into the ceiling. I have spent most of the last two weeks in this very room, not wanting to venture outside. I despise how clinical it looks, reminding me of my lengthy hospital stay. But, I fight the urge to change things because I know we won't be here long.

My eyes wonder idly across to the burgundy armchairs which sit in the huge bay window. They are the only splash of colour in the room, and I love them. Daniel picked them for me once I felt well enough to sit for periods of time. They have become my safe haven since I was whisked out of the hospital in a flash of the paparazzis' cameras back to my temporary home.

Every day Daniel, or my mother, place brochures of houses for us to look at on the coffee table between the armchairs. But, I cannot seem to bring myself to look at any of them. Instead, I sit in an armchair. Each morning I listen to the children as they walk passed on their way to school. Despite not being able to see them because they are on the other side of the wall that I am hidden behind, I can still hear their innocent laughter and it warms my heart. Once they have gone, and the silence resumes, I choose a book to escape to for the day.

"I'm going to cut my hair." I suddenly blurt out.

Daniel pauses before he speaks in the same way that most people do since I woke up in the hospital. "Whatever you want to do babe. Shall I arrange for a hairdresser to come round?"

"I've already to spoken to Robin earlier today, and she is asking her friend for me. You know, the woman who did my hair for the BAFTAs?" I speak proudly at the fact that I have actually arranged something.

He pauses again, like he does not want to say anything that could upset me. "That's brilliant." He says animatedly, making me sit up to look at him. He smiles genuinely towards me for the first time in weeks. Not a trace of the familiar sympathy in his eyes. "This is really positive! So... are you ready to leave the house?"

I want so desperately to say yes, that I am ready to re-enter the world. But... I'm not! I feel myself sliding back into the dark hole that I have worked so hard to crawl out of since I was told that Fay wanted and had tried to kill me. She is out there, and I am trapped in limbo until she is found... or I draw her out.

I'm just not strong enough to deal with her yet... I need time.

When I focus again, Daniel is staring at me with a concerned expression. His brow is deeply furrowed as he waits patiently for me to gather my thoughts, and return to him. "I'm here... talk to me." He pleads.

The guilty sensation I have been carrying for not feeling better weighs heavy on me. I try to smile up at him, but I know it won't look real, because it's not!

I reach out to place the palm of my hand across his chest, feeling his steady heartbeat beneath. His large hands immediately rest over mine, holding me to him. "Don't shut me out." He whispers with his eyes closed like it is a prayer.

Now it is my turn to pause. "I feel guilty." I release a huge sigh of relief at actually saying the words. My therapist has advised that I express myself, and be honest... so here goes. "I feel guilty that I don't feel normal, I feel guilty that I'm not ready to leave the house... I feel guilty that I allowed her into our lives, I feel guilty that I let her fool me... for being so stupid! I feel guilty for what I have put you through... my parents through... my friends through. Then there is Ben, I feel awful for what I've put him through. But most of all, I feel responsible for you pulling out of your next movie." I take a shaky breath once I've finished my mumbled ramblings.