THE VISION IS A PLACE | ✓ {complete}

Chapter 49 : Noah's heart

    I showered down at the sauna. I know this because my hair is washed and I am clean, but I can't remember it. I can't remember if I used soap, or if the water was warm, or for how long I stood there. It's like trying to remember a dream.

I've lost time before. The first time I got a phone call telling me my mom was in the hospital, I left school, and then, before I knew it, I was at the hospital with no memory of the of the drive itself. No memory of the route I took, or where I parked...

I remember being on the dock though. I went back to collect my clothes. Kyle's pendant was still right there on top. I stayed there for awhile, holding it, but I wasn't thinking anything. It was like the inside of my mind was filled with shattered glass. I wanted to put the pieces back together, but everything hurt to touch and I started to wonder if it was even worth it to try. Maybe all these broken shards are the mind's way of protecting us from thinking too much.

I've passed my threshold tonight, anyway. Everything is just kind of the same now. I feel like a plane could have fallen out of the sky while I was on that dock, and crashed in our valley, and I'd have been as numb as if I were watching it on a screen.

I'm numb, but everything hurts. I'm tired, but I could walk for miles. I'm hungry, but I can't imagine ever eating again. The night is already too long, but I want it to stay dark like this forever. I want everything and nothing. I want change, but I don't want anything to be different because things might get worse and not better. I wish I could just slip into a dreamless sleep and wake up only when my heart doesn't feel so waterlogged, even if it takes days.

Just a week ago, I was sitting down at the barn, watching the house wake up. I didn't know anything back then, but I felt it. I knew something was wrong. I thought it was me. I thought I was crazy...waking up with the nightmares again, wandering the fields at night, making everyone worry, looking for ghosts; ghosts of myself, the ghost of my mother...

I'm sitting on my mattress now, looking over at Noah in his. His leg is propped on a bunch of pillows, with an ice pack across his ankle; one of the chemical shake up ones from Addison's kit. The ice from the freezer wasn't lasting long enough.

I can't tell if he's still dopey from the drugs or if he's asleep. A few minutes in, I see him scratch his cheek and so I get up and come lay down next to him. He's still out of it a little, but he holds my hand.

"Does it hurt, Noah?" I ask him.

"Only a little bit," he whispers, blinking his eyes open to stare straight up to the dark ceiling. "It's just us in here?" he asks me.

"It's just us."

"Where's Heath?"

"Heath and Anna are in their room. We have to whisper."

He cranes his head to look at his foot that is now wrapped up. "Shit," he whispers. "Am I broken, Case?"

"I think it will be easier to tell in the morning, when the drugs wear off. Addison doesn't think so, though."

"I don't want them to wear off."

"It feels nice?" I ask.

"Yeah...like I'm floating," he smiles, but that smile slowly fades.

"I was looking for you earlier. I couldn't find you."

"I'm sorry I didn't come."

"You heard me calling?"

"Sorry," he says, feeling bad about it now.

"That's okay. Are you hungry? I know you haven't eaten."