1991 (LT)

-6-

➡ 24 December 2016⬅

↔ Louis ↔

"And what would like to eat, mate?" Harry asked me, handing me the menu. 

"Nothing. I'm good." I muttered, deep in thought, the menu still in my hand. 

"Louis." Liam said, in a warning tone. "You haven't eaten anything since yesterday. Now, tell me fast before the waiter leaves." He said, trying to hurry me up.

"Pancakes, I guess." I said, closing the menu and giving it to the waiter, who nods and walks away. 

"Louis, please." said Lottie, who was sitting next to me. "It's your birthday. We don't want to see you like this." she whispers to me, rubbing circles in my hand. 

I sigh, getting slightly irritated. "I can't help it, can I, Lottie? My girlfriend's missing and here we are, sitting and eating!" I said, my words getting louder and louder. She looks down, ashamed to ask me such a question. I stand up abruptly, showing my irritation.

Harry, Gemma, Niall, Lottie, Fizzy, Liam, Grace and Becky, all watched me as I struggled to move around the table. I grab my coat and keys from the table, before turning around to walk away from the restaurant and my mates.

Suddenly, a hand grabs onto my forearm, making me hiss at the sudden pain on my scar. I turn to look at the person, before giving a snarl and a glare at him. I snatch my hand away from Liam, harshly and huff as I continue to walk away.

I quickly throw on my coat as I reached the door, and swing it open, the breeze of the winter afternoon almost making me change my mind about leaving. I shake my head and continue to make my way through the car park, the thin layer of snow making it harder to walk.

I walk to my car and fumble with my keys, trying to find my car key. I was leaning against a nearby tree, when I realize I have Niall's car keys and not mine. 

"Fucking hell!" I yelled, kicking my foot onto the tree.

"Louis?" said a female voice, making me turn around, thinking it's a fan. I frown once I recognize who it is.

"What do you want, Gemma?" I mumble, as I sat down on the hood of my car, resting my head in my hands. 

"I have your keys." she says, showing them to me. She then walks towards me, before waving it in front of my face.

I grab it from her hands, immediately feeling guilty for snatching like that. 

"Thanks.." I whispered, still not making any move towards my car door. Gemma sighs, before sitting down next to me. She places a hand on my back before rubbing it.

"I'm not going to say shit like it's going to be alright and all. I just want you to know that we are here for you. I don't know where Rachel is neither do we know if she's ok. We're as scared as you are, Louis and we all are trying to do our maximum best to fine her." she said, in a calm voice. 

"Just try to not get angry everytime we mention her. You should know that Grace has known her longer than you have and loved her longer. Think how she might be feeling. Liam was also put into the same situation as you, Louis. Think about that."

I slowly nodded at her, taking in her words. It never occurred to me that Grace was also hurt by this. We needed each others support and so did Liam. 

"You're not alone, Louis. We understand what you're gong through." she said trying to sound reassuring, but to hell with that. 

"Gemma," I started calmly, "I appreciate this, I really do. But what the fuck do you mean by 'I'm not alone'? I don't give two shits about me being alone. You keep on saying think about the others, but have you once actually thought about Rachel? She's alone, Gem." I said, throwing my arms about.

"She's alone and crying and probably starving for all we know. That's my babygirl. The one I love so fucking much, Gemma. How do I not worry about her?" I said my voice turning into a whisper as, I cried on her shoulder.

"Fuck it, Gemma. I'm doing my own thing, whether you like it or not." I snapped, after a moment of thought. I got up from the hood and wiped my eyes with my sleeve and walked towards my car door. I opened it and sat down and just stared at the steering wheel. 

Gemma had not gotten up from the hood, instead she sat there, watching me. She knew I couldn't move if she didn't. I sigh, as I motioned for her to move. She shakes her head before crossing her arms on her chest.

I put my head on the steering wheel, cursing at the older girl. "Why the fuck are all the Styles so stubborn?" I muttered, as I got out of the car and sat next to Gemma again, refraining from dragging her away from my car. 

"I don't know about you, but I'm starving." was all she said, before getting up and heading back to the restaurant. 

And for some reason, I decided to follow her back. I locked my car and walked a few paces behind Gemma before jogging up to her and walking with her. We both get into the restaurant and I follow her back to our table, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot once I got there.

All the lads and lasses looked at me, some a bit surprised, but no one said anything. Fizzy gave me a smile, so I smiled in return. My little sister scooted over and patted the seat, so I could sit next tot her. I sat next to her just as all the orders had come.

Very soon the awkwardness had disappeared and I was laughing along with Niall, at Gemma dissing Harry. I took a sip of my smoothie before looking at Lottie and giving her a smile. She gave me a look that said everything-will-be-alright.

 I smiled, but I knew. Knew that everything is not. 

⬛⬜

I took it in my hands. Once again, I was in my bathroom, holding the razor. I'd sworn myself that I won't give in to my desires, but what do you do when it's calling out your name and you are magically getting up and heading towards it?

I brought it in my front of my eyes and looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. 

I looked crazy.

and I loved it.

I chuckled, as I brought it to my arm. This time, I made sure to go slow and make it more painful. I pressed it slowly on my skin. A few curses escaped my lips, as it dug into my skin. And then, when finally one beautiful mark was made on my skin, I chuckled and that turned into a laugh.

And at that moment there was a weird noise made from right outside the door, which made me glance towards it. I just shrugged it off and continued.

I laughed like an idiot, like a maniac, a psycho. cause that's who I was. I then kept the razor down and looked again at the mirror.

what the fuck is wrong with me?