1991 (LT)

-10-

➡1 January 2017⬅

↔Louis↔

I'm all alone.

She's all alone.

I sobbed before running back inside the house, and running out the front door. I ran and ran until I reached a deserted hallway on the same floor. I collapsed in the middle of the hallway as I cried. I sobbed and cried and had a breakdown, right there and then.

"Why am I even alive?" I sobbed out to practically no one. I rolled up my sleeves to my elbows, the scars being another reminder of her, and cried more. The tears rolled down my cheeks, as I felt really really weak.

I sobbed and sobbed, but of course no one heard me. I looked at the fire works going on outside the window on the opposite wall and sobbed some more, finding the end of my breakdown nowhere closeby.

She loved fireworks.

I put my head in my hands and cried.

And then I just screamed. I screamed and screamed until my voice grew hoarse. I screamed until my throat was dehydrated and was aching.

"I fucking hate everyone!" I screamed out, pulling my hair, the pain of everything penetrating me. It hurt, so much, to know that she's not safe and she's all alone. 

Who knew love can make you feel so mad and guilty, even though you're in the most helpless situation ever?

And then I stopped. I stopped crying and screaming, and stared at the ground in front of me, tears still in my eyes, as I listened to the soft beats of music coming from all over the different houses and the faint sounds of laughter, singing and talking.

And that's when I realized how broken I am.

It's like I was having a fight with myself. My mind was trying to dominate my heart and was trying feeding me with reasons a to why I should end this. 

End me.

I slowly turned around hearing soft footsteps, tears dripping down my face to see someone standing there. It was the figure of a lady, an older woman. I put my hands behind me on the floor and I sat and stared at her, wide eyes, because she probably saw everything.

She moved towards me, as I crawled back away from her, too afraid of being resented even by this random lady. My eyes were blurry filled with tears so I couldn't identify her at all.

She stopped before taking a few more steps closer to me and her face was finally visible. There was pure shock and sadness filling her face. Her eyes were wide as she held a hurt face.

Oh my god.

I know her.

I wiped my eyes with my palm and looked at her once again, as my face visibly paled.

"Mum?" I whispered, crawling back a bit.

"Oh My God, Lou! Are you alright?" she said taking a few quick steps towards me. I stumbled as I got up and put my hands in front of me in defense.

"No Stop!" I hollered at mum, making her freeze and stare at me. Her face changed a bit, as she tried not to cry.

I'm hurting her. Like I'm hurting everyone.

"Stop." I whispered.

"Louis." mum said, her voice cracking as tears filled her eyes.

"No, Mum don't cry." I spoke, loud enough for her to hear.

"Don't cry over someone as worthless as me." I whispered, tears falling off my face.

She let out a sob and covered her mouth with her hand, as I helplessly watched her.

"Mum stop it. Mum." I said in a soft voice. I walked slowly to her, praying to God she won't yell at me. I walk to her and pull her into a hug, in an alleviating manner.

"I don't want to hurt you, mum." I whispered into her hair, as she sobbed into my chest.

"Louis." she sobbed.

"Mum." I said into her hair, as limitless tears once again ran down my face.

"Why are you hurting yourself?" mum whispered pulling a little away from me. She wiped her eyes waiting for an answer, as silent tears rolled down my face. 

"I see the scars, baby." she said, touching my open hands. She looked at the cuts that were almost camouflaging with my tattoos. The only thing making it visible was the red colour surrounding it.

"Mum, I.." I trailed off, looking down at my feet.

"I saw you screaming too." she said softly, placing her hands on my cheeks. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked, desperately trying to change the subject.

"Dan's relative lives next door, and I knew Fizzy was here, just thought I'd come and check on her. Are you crying because of Rachel?" She asked, not accepting my attempt at changing the subject. She lightly brushes away the tears and looks at me, waiting for my answer.

My lip quivered as I looked up at my mum. A new set of tears filled my eyes, as I nodded. 

"I miss her too, you know." mum whispered, as she smiled softly. She places a kiss on my forehead, before pulling me into another hug. I cry once more into her shoulder. 

"Just remember that so many people love you." she said, giving me an encouraging smile. 

"Me, Rachel, Lottie, Fizzy, Daisy, Ernest, Phoebe, Doris, Mark, Dan, Zayn, Niall, Liam, Harry." she listed off, softly.

"You have so many people to live for." she said softly, rubbing circles into my back.

"And what about your fans?" she whispered, as she tightened her grip around me. "They love you to pieces, Louis." 

"But no one can love you as much as Rachel and I do. And remember we're the two women in your life, who'll always be there for you, no matter what." mum said, giving me a very serious look. She wiped my eyes with her thumbs and gave me a smile and I gave her back a small smile.

"Thank you, mum. I love you." I said, pecking her cheek.

"I love you too, Louis Tomlinson." she said, placing a hand on my cheek and smiling.

I needed someone that night. And I had someone. The one woman in my life, who means as much as Rachel does. The woman who gave me life. The woman who was and will be there for me for an entire lifetime.

She is Johannah Deakin.

My mother.