INTO MY WORLD (ENG.VER) - [FF EXO]

Chapter 19

Sun Hyang

Roma, Italy – Five months later.

The wind dances inside my hair as I walk alone through the streets of Roma. The sun is setting, and the sky is adorning itself with beautiful shades of red and orange, lightning up my darker mood. I blend with the crowd, disappearing amidst all these people and all these old buildings, each bearing a story so ancient so as to become timeless. How many lives, how many moments, have twined and intertwined before the observant eyes of these chipping stones?

In my earplugs, his voice sounds and my heart beats in rhythm with the words he sings. Pathetically, I imagine he is here, right now, with me. I imagine him holding my hand, stealing kisses from me and laughing out loud, I imagine him looking at the scenery, amazed before gently making fun of all these people around us because this old stuff will bore him to death. He'd also make fun of me, of my serious air and my red cheeks, of my soldier's mind-set. I imagine him playing with my hair to grab my attention, whenever I'd stay in front of a painting for too long.

My daydreams make me laugh – I can imagine him so well. And even if it's false, it warms my heart.

However, I feel a tear roll down my cheek, soon followed by many others. I stop in my tracks, pass a hand over my face, and look at my wet palm in surprise. I can't believe it, I'd promised myself I'd stop...

Since I've left him, I feel like I've transformed into a fountain. I never used to cry, but now the simplest nothings tear me up. His voice, of course, but also anything that makes me think of him. In all things blue I see, I find the blue of his hair, the day we first met. Each hotel I see reminds me of the nights we spent together, and in the first few days following our 'breakup', which I also call 'flight', the mere sight of a car was enough to make my eyes go moist. I've calmed down a little, but this is still a critical situation. The impassive agent, in constant need of power and control over her own emotions, is far away now. If my instructor could see me, he'd hit me... But the instructor and the army are far away too.

When I left Baekhyun and went back to headquarters, the president was waiting for me. I debriefed it all to him in due respect, following with the longest report I've ever done in my life. He congratulated me, proposed a promotion, and I replied to him by handing in my gun.

Enough. I'm stopping here, I can't stay in the army. All this has made me realise I had done my time, I had achieved what I had wanted to achieve all along: it's time for me to think about my life, about what I really want to be and do.

After that, I took the first plane for Italy as soon as I could, and miserably fled. I've always loved art and what better country than Italy, the birthplace of Occidental art, to study it? I must also admit I needed at least a continent's distance to prevent me from breaking into Baekhyun's house, just to see him. I am miserable AND terrifying. I should be ashamed of myself for even think of using my special agent skills to see the man I love, and whom I myself deserted.

I sigh and continue on my way. I brush past these overwhelmingly busy streets, and the crowd makes me feel less lonely. Amongst all these people, there must be at least one other person to feel as unhappy as I do, right? That's mean, but I think telling myself I am not the only to suffer helps keep my head straight.

My footsteps guide me to a small, discreet park, hidden from the hurried tourists by the trees surrounding it. There, children play, overlooked by their parents' attentive gaze. I watch them run around, a smile on my face.

I had projects before coming here, but now I don't know anymore. I thought to stay here, cry hard before moving on, and getting about with my life, not forgetting anything, still in love with him. I was thinking of studying art, to work in a museum, I was thinking... I was thinking of so many things – anything to run away from the pain and the fear. But reality had soon caught up with me, and in the most surprising way possible.