the story of us

serendipity

The 8 days I had to wait to see her changed yesterday, on Tuesday, and it was completely unexpected.

It was through extremely tragic circumstances-a boy from our school and a fellow marching band member had gotten killed in a car wreck. It was awful. I mean, I didn't ever talk to him, but I couldn't imagine how his friends and family felt. I knew that she was upset too, even if she didn't ever talk to him.

I'm kind of weird when it comes to death. I don't cry, ever. I didn't even cry at my grandfather's funeral. I grew up with him, but I became extremely distant over the years and I felt that meant I didn't deserve to grieve. It was the same with this boy, Jake, we'll call him. I didn't know him. People were sharing info all over social media about his memorial and funeral arrangements and rosary and it felt wrong to go to any of it. Those kind of things are personal. I didn't want to intrude.

But, when you live in a small town, intruding is all people know how to do. And it seemed everyone in my circle was going to the memorial. So when my friend Maggie texted me asking if I wanted her to take me, I said sure. I figured it's the least I could do. Pay some respect, I guess? And I'm not gonna lie- I did think about the fact that she might be there, and that made me want to go even more. Is that fucked up? Probably.

Anyways, we go to the hall where the memorial is being held. We sit, wait for the service to start, and I wonder if she will show up. After about 10 minutes I can see her from the corner of my eye. Just feeling her presenting automatically made me feel fuzzy inside. She says hi to some people at the end of our row, and then sits in the row behind me. I don't know if she just didn't see me, or if she just didn't feel like saying hi, I'm not sure. I wasn't going to say hi first. After the weekend of her "rejecting" me I felt like if I made the first move I'd come off as super clingy. The service started. Everyone was crying, and I sort of just sat there. Public crying was not my thing. Ever. I hate feeling vulnerable. Especially since I didn't know the guy. It felt fucked up to cry.

So I sat through the service, monotonously chanting the 5 sorrowful mysteries, proud of myself for remembering how to use my rosary. I listened to stories about Jake being told by his family and some of my friends. At this point everyone was sobbing. I was ready to go home.

When the service was over I waited for my Maggie to finish talking to everyone so we could leave. However, it wasn't as quick as I thought it would be since she was sobbing the entire time. She needed someone to comfort her. I wasn't that person. Maggie didn't even know Jake. I didn't understand why she was upset. So I just stood around awkwardly, waiting to leave the place. I regretted coming. It wasn't a place for me. After another couple of awkward minutes she finally came back, until someone else came up to talk to her and she started crying again. I just stood there, staring at the ground, that is, until I felt someone staring at me.

It was her.

She motioned for me to go to her and I did. We hugged.

"Are you good?" I asked with my arms wrapped around her. I always asked her that when she seemed in distress.

She leaned back and shook her head, eyes red from crying. "No..."

"I'm sorry," I said with the most sincerity I've ever used, and squeezed her tight, rubbing her back as she let the sobs escape. She backed away and we looked at each other until she laughed. She always laughs when she doesn't know what to do.

"I'm sorry," I said again. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

She wiped the tears from her eyes but said nothing.

"Cause you can, if you want. I'm sorry. I'm not good at this sort of thing. I don't know what to say. But you can talk. And I'll listen."

She just smiled at me and we stood in comfortable silence. Maggie finally returned and we all made small talk for a bit, and I noticed the necklace she was wearing.

"Oh dang it, you already have an elephant necklace," I pointed out. She nodded.
"Ugh, I was going to buy you one for your birthday. I was looking through pictures to see if you did but I couldn't see it clear enough."

She smiled and gave an "aww." I played with the necklace in between my fingers, unsure of what to say next, until she nodded towards a girl from our theatre group and said we should say hi.

We all talked for a bit, reminiscing on the play and cracking jokes. She cuddled up to the girl, and I felt a pang of jealousy.

"We get it, you're dating!" I joked, because they always say they're girlfriends.

"Yeah, but you're my wife," She said, "Unless you don't want to be anymore," she teased.

"No, no, I want to!" I exclaimed, and quickly made my way to her side and linked our arms together, and I rested my head on her shoulder. She hummed contentedly.

We made more small talk while everyone put up the tables and chairs and we cuddle into each other.

"Why are you so pretty?" I asked her while we're talking to some of her friends. She shook her head. "Wow, I can't believe I married a goddess," and the smile she gave me when I said that made my heart stop.

"I love you," she said warmly.

Some kids came up behind her, some underclassmen she was giving rides home. "Are we gonna go?" One of them asked her.

"No," she replied absentmindedly, "I don't wanna go," and then she continued talking to me.

We talked about anything and everything and it was so nice. Eventually Maggie came up to me when she was ready to leave.

I went back to hug her. We squeezed each other tight, and I never wanted to let go.
"I love you," she said into my ear.

"I love you, too."

Maggie and I got ice cream after we left. I hadn't eaten all day, and the sweetness on my tongue tasted amazing as thoughts of her swirled around in my brain. Thoughts of holding her hand, thoughts of feeling her skin against mine, thoughts of kissing her.

We had only talked for about half an hour, but it made my entire day. That night I found the stuffed dog she bought me for Valentine's day and slept with it in my arms.