Often I would find myself crying in my bedroom. Not because of a fall out with a friend. Not because of somebody passing. Not because of a recent failure. But because of a boy.
The same boy I had had a crush on for 4 years.
I'd sit on my bed and just cry my eyes out before I grew tired and fell asleep. It was ridiculous how long I had liked Felix for. I had concluded that I was probably never going to get over him and just fall for someone else. I knew that would never happen. I had my heart set on my own best friend.
I knew that he'd never love me back. As a friend, sure. But more than that? Of course not. I couldn't think of anything he would be able to see in me. I still can't to be honest. He had so much: amazing looks, a great personality, good sense of humor. He's caring, patient, considerate, a great listener, understanding, helpful, trustworthy...I fell so hard.
There I sat, a 28 year old man, living on his own, barely been in any relationships, has been struggling with his sexual orientation for years, crying his eyes out over a man who would never even love him back. That's what I did most nights. People always wonder how I fall asleep so quickly.
Nobody knew about my crush on Felix. Not even Mark, who was my other best friend. I trusted him a lot. I still do. But I wasn't ready to share with him that I liked Felix. I knew he probably wouldn't be ready to hear something like that. I mean, he didn't even know I'm bisexual. So for me to skip that and just go straight into 'I have a crush on my best friend who is also your best friend' would I guess be a bit overwhelming.
When I was around Felix, and we would have a conversation, I would never really focus on what he was saying. I'd just focus on him. His face. How his voice sounds and not what he's actually saying. His eyes. Even his hands. Every detail was perfect to me. I always told myself that a flawless man such as Felix was way out of my league. Why would he want to get with a small, loud, annoying Irishman anyway?
People often made jokes. They often joked about how I would always 'lovingly stare' at Felix: and how I most likely wanted to kiss him because of how much I would stare at his lips. And I'd just laugh off those remarks. But it was actually all true. They didn't know that, of course. I did.
I always felt selfish for wishing every night that one day Felix would turn around to me and say 'I like you'. Not in a friendly, platonic way. In a romantic, relationship type of way. I felt incredibly selfish. But sometimes he just made me feel so helpless. And every night, as I would fall asleep, I'd think of Felix and whisper in a cracking, sad voice:
'I just kinda wish you were gay'
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4 Years | Jelix
Fanfiction4 years. For 4 years, Jack had had a crush on his best friend, Felix. And for 4 years he kept that a secret. But now is it time for him to tell someone? Or will that only make things go horribly wrong? Completed Sequel 'Hit and Run' has been publish...
