Deep {COMPLETED}

e l e v e n

Riley Green

Ian and me were bittersweet. I was bitter, and he was sweet. He was so frustrating, tons of guys had come in and out of my life with no trouble. I had known where I stood on love and feelings and commitment. But then he just shows up out of nowhere and acts like he knows me and starts taking over these huge parts of my life. And the thing is, he did know me, he was brave, he said things no one ever said to me and it scared me to death that someone could understand me that well. All my life I'd been this puzzle, with like a million different pieces and a lot were missing and jagged and some were even pieces to a different puzzle. No one ever put me together, no one ever even tried. They just looked at all my scattered and jagged pieces and said, "Oh she's a mess there's no sense in trying." But then Ian came and suddenly everything fits and for the first time in my life I'm afraid of losing someone, and I don't know how I feel about it.

To tell the truth, I'm scared. I'm so scared that my walls are disintegrating at this rapid pace, as fast as my heart beats when he touches me. When he puts his lips on mine I can feel the planets moving and the earths rotation and the suns heat and the lack of oxygen in space, it's like he holds the universe. Everything inside of me is becoming ruins and crashing down at my feet, leaving me exposed in front of him with no defenses.

Ian Walker

I was laying on my bed with my arms behind my head. I thought to myself, I'm so lonely right now, and who do I want to be with most in the world? Of course the girl who smashed my heart into a million pieces.

Never in my life had I let myself enjoy anything. I never felt deservant of the things that people handed to me. Whenever something good did happen to me I just turned it over again and again in my head until I found something bad about it, and then I worked it down until there was nothing good about it. God was I a sad and pathetic person.

Even thought Riley was the best thing that had ever happened to me, whenever I was with her I didn't enjoy myself. This is just what I did. I never did things for myself, it was like I didn't think I deserved to be happy.

So as I thought about where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be with I made a rash decision. For the first time in my life I was going to do something for myself. I wanted something and I was going to go after it.

So there I was sitting in my car on my way to Riley's apartment at 2 in the morning on a Monday, nervously running my hands through my hair. Every time I hit a red light I took my hands off the steering wheel and the cigarette out of my mouth and just stared at the night trying to come up with a good reason to show up at her apartment in this state and at this time.

By the time I got there I had nothing, so I sat in my car a little longer. Here I am trying to do something to make myself happy and I'm so sad. I haven't so much as looked at another girl since I fell in love with Riley. There'd been times before I knew I loved her that I tried to get with other girls to get her out of my head, but now I was psychotically in love with her and it was impossible for me to even compare another girl to Riley.

Finally, I put out my cigarette and got out of my car. As I knocked on her door it took everything in me not to throw up.

It was a matter of seconds before she opened her door and stood there staring at me. I was at a loss for words.

"Ian?" I continued to look at her, I licked my lips before taking a deep breath and speaking.

"Hi." I swallowed. She wasn't saying anything. She was probably looking for an explanation, but as I opened my mouth to speak she cut me off.

"Why don't you come inside, and sit or something." She had no expression on her face, and as I stepped in and she closed the door I could hear the wind howling outside, and my beating heart, and her breathing. That's all I could hear. I wondered what she was hearing, if she could hear my heart too, or if she was conscious of her breathing. Eventually, she spoke.