voices || hyunlix

Jeongin

My alarm woke me up on Monday morning. At the beginning of the year hearing it go off meant I would go to school as an outcast because of Felix being away and all. He left during the summer and hasn't even contacted me to tell me if he's okay. I don't even know if he's coming back. I feel like he doesn't know it but he helped me more than anyone ever has. More than my father has. Although I am glad I was able to make more friends, my life hasn't been the same without Felix.

It started when I was assigned a project with Seungmin, one of the seven most popular kids at our high school. I thought he would make fun of me or insult me, but he was really sweet. Steadily he started to introduced me into his friend group of popular's, and surprisingly they helped me come out of my comfort zone. All of them were likable and pleasant to be around. They always joked around and made me feel like I could belong somewhere. I would wake up smiling on Monday's now, I could walk into school and people would greet me happily. I was never bullied for how I dressed anymore. No one called me rude names.

I still missed Felix greatly. We grounded each other, he protected me from bullies and took the hits himself, most times literally. I helped him soothe the voices that haunted his perception. I gave him what he needed to chase them away, aided him in finding happiness when he had none. We helped each other, but after he left I was scared he would fall back into the demons' ways. I needed him to come back, I wanted to see my best friend again.

After dressing in a baby pink sweater and light ripped jeans with fishnets underneath, I walked downstairs to my kitchen. I usually woke up to an empty house, the only times I didn't were on the weekends, when my sister didn't have to go to school early in the morning. She was in college but still lived with my dad and I. He was fine with it as long as she was working. Three out of five of the week days she went to college in the morning, the other two she was going to work.

I grabbed an apple and a granola bar for my breakfast. I didn't usually like eating a lot for breakfast, it made me feel nauseous if I ate too much. I walked around the house as I ate, grabbing my backpack and making sure I had everything I needed. I gave myself a once over in a mirror one last time and then finally headed out the door for my walk to school.

It only took a couple minutes to walk to school from my house. In my freshman and sophomore years Felix would wait by the corner on a bench and we would walk together. He lived farther away but started walking when he figured out that we lived close enough to make the trip together. I still wait at that corner sometimes, just remembering all the times I would run up and hug him. Felix always had the best hugs. His chest and shoulders were so broad but his waist was so small. It was as if he was built for hugs.

I passed the corner without a glance at the bench knowing he wouldn't be there. I kept walking until I finally saw the gate. My school was surrounded by a tall brick wall and a metal gate that students walk through to enter the courtyard. Sometimes when Felix and I would arrive earlier in the morning we would sit on the brick wall and talk. Felix never talked much, but when he did he knew no end. I loved listening to him, his rambling and excess talking meant the demons were silent. That they were letting the real Felix show through the fake imitation that was built up on the outside.

I walked through the gate and people waved at me. I always flashed them my brace filled smile and waved back. I don't know most of them, but it didn't matter, because they were being nice. My friends were waiting on the entrance stairs of the school. I was usually the last to show up since they all either carpool with Chan and Woojin, the two that have cars, or ride the bus that gets to school early.

"Jeongin!" Seungmin yelled as he saw me and ran up to hug me.

He is the one I am closest to, as he was also the first one I met. The boys didn't know about my family at home, but they did know my father was very busy all the time with work. Without even realizing it they helped me when I needed to get away from my sister.