Saving Mercury

Chapter 8: A Downward Spiral

September - October 1991

Almost a whole year had passed since I was surprised by Roger's visit and learning about Freddie's AIDS. In early September, both Freddie and I celebrated our birthdays, days apart from eachother. He turned 45 and I turned 27.

I went to visit Freddie on that day- September 5th. The other band members were there as well. I smiled at them as I walked in.

"Happy birthday, Mr. Mercury. You look lovely today." I was in a relationship with Nathan, but that didn't stop me from jokingly flirting with my friends.

"Thanks dear!" Freddie was dressed in a white polo and black pants, still looking weak, but managing to hide it with a smile. His face seemed to wear the innocence of a young boy, although his hair was graying.

"I brought you a present," I added. "It's a medicine that Nathan and I found. I don't know if it'll work, but you can try it." I handed him a bottle of pills. A week before, Nathan and I determined that it was apparent that Freddie was developing bronchial pneumonia, so we decided to acquire some pills for him. "It's for your pneumonia. AIDS weakened your immune system. These pills ought to help. "

He managed a weak "thank you."

Freddie received other, better presents from his bandmates- a red sweater from John, a book of poems from Roger, and a CD of classical music from Brian. It made me feel a certain peace in my heart to see the members of Queen so happy and relaxed, forgetting their troubles, even if just for a moment.

I telephoned Freddie a week after his birthday.

"So Fred, how is the new medicine working?"

"It's not doing much, it just diminishes the coughing a little."

"That's good. Less coughing is ideal."

His voice was worried. "Ella, time is running out. It's apparent that I'm going to die within a matter of months. Why do you keep trying? Why don't you give up?"

"Because you don't give up. I try because I believe in you."

He coughed. "Promise me you won't cry when I'm dead. Alright?"

"I promise I'll try not to cry."

"Okay, love. How's Nathan?"

"Good. He and I spend a lot of time together"

"Have you two made love yet?" A hint of naughtiness crossed his voice.

"Freddie! Don't be ridiculous, we aren't that serious."

"Okay, I believe you."

"Keep taking your medicines," I reminded him.

"Yes. Goodbye."

I hung up, thinking about Freddie's words. He was so brave. I couldn't believe it.

For the next few weeks, I continued to call Freddie. His beautiful, strong words were so meaningful and touching. My relationship with Nathan was beginning to grow. Time seemed to pass quickly.

One night in late October, Roger came to visit me while Nathan was out with some of his other college friends. His appearance mirrored that of a year before, when he first came to visit me. Blond hair with gray streaks, sad blue eyes, looking innocent and helpless...

"Ella, I have important and disappointing news." He walked in as I was reading an encyclopedia of medicine.

"Roggie." His eyes seemed to stare into my mind.

"Freddie decided that he isn't afraid of death. He know's it's coming. So, he stopped taking his medicine to quicken his death."

My heart stopped for a few moments. "No, he can't!"

"Too bad, he did. I'm sorry, Ella. He isn't giving up or killing himself, he's just quickening his death because it's unavoidable."

"He has to keep trying."

"He can't; he's dying of AIDS and bronchial pneumonia."

"But that means that I couldn't save him. That means I failed."

Roger sounded irritated. "No, it means that AIDS is beyond your control. You can't stop death, Ella. I don't know why you tried."

"I tried for you, Roger. I tried for Freddie."

"I don't know what world you live in, Miss Burke, but where I'm from, there's no cure for AIDS. Maybe in your world everything is perfect. In your world, nobody dies."

"No, that's not how it is! I was just trying to help!" My voice quivered.

"You didn't help, and even if you did, it wouldn't have meant much."

I broke down onto the floor, crying.

"It's your fault, Rog. I wouldn't have tried if you hadn't told me to." I looked up at him, eyes wide.

"Oh, is it?" he fumed. This was the first time Roger had been angry at me. "Well, then, you can go ahead and live in that perfect fantasy of yours!" Fire was in his eyes.

"I'm sorry.... I accept the fact that Freddie is going to die."

He held out his hand. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to fight with you. I didn't mean any of what I said about you failing. You didn't fail. You tried, and that makes all the difference." His voice was soft and gentle again. I smiled, taking his hand in mine.

"I guess that Freddie's illness has changed us all. John hardly speaks to me anymore, Brian is slipping into depression. And I've become a mean bitch."

"You're not a bitch, El. Don't call yourself one."

I nodded. "I didn't mean to. I'm just sad, you know..."

"I know." Roger ran his fingers through my dark blonde hair.

After he left that night, I was alone, listening to my album The Works as I lay on the sofa, falling asleep. The last words I heard, from the song "It's A Hard Life" were...

"It's a long, hard fight, but I'll always live for tomorrow. I look back on my life and say 'I did it for love.' Yes I did it for love. I did it for loooooove..."

Then my eyes closed, and I drifted to sleep while listening to that poignant and beautiful song.