Saving Mercury

Chapter 9: Goodbye Comes too Soon

November 1991

My heart was still hurt, knowing that Freddie had decided to quicken his death. I started to become sullen and quiet, hardly able to concentrate on my work. Nathan kept asking me what was wrong, and I'd just say, "I'm upset, OK?"

I didn't want to push Nathan away, but my sadness took over me. I tried to be strong, remembering my words- "I've become a mean bitch." I didn't want to be a bitch, so I tried even harder to be cheerful. Every night I'd sit at home and listen to my albums, which alleviated some of my sorrow. Music was indeed my escape.

Surprisingly, it was John Deacon who called me just to talk one day.

"I'm sorry to tell you this. Freddie is detereorating quickly. He can't see well, and he's bedridden." His voice was firm. It'd been weeks since I heard it.

"It isn't your fault, Deaky. If anyone, it's mine."

He scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous, Ella. You've got to stop blaming yourself."

"Thanks John. I'm going to visit him tomorrow."

"Bye El." He hung up.

The next day, November 20, I left work early, telling Nathan, "I'm going to go say goodbye to Freddie." He looked at me with sincere sadness and love.

I got in a taxi cab which dropped me off about a block away from Freddie's Kensington home. I walked up the path. The door was unlocked. I entered and walked to Freddie's bedroom, where he was lying comfortably in his bed, under a large wool blanket.

"Oh my, Freddie..."

"This is Ella, right?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm so glad I have a chance to see you."

"How are you?" Freddie smiled through the pain. He looked only half-alive, but he did his best to hide it. The Great Pretender, I thought.

"It's hard to be happy nowadays." My face fell.

"But your life is perfect, darling! You have a fantastic job, great friends, and a wonderful boyfriend!" He tossed his hand in the air.

"I'm upset because you're ill. I can't take it anymore."

"Don't be sad. I've told you before, you shouldn't give a damn."

I took a step forward and continued to walk until I came to the side of the bed, sitting down on it. I wanted this moment to last forever. "You're so brave, Fred."

"Pssh, I'm not brave. I'm nothing special. I'm just... me."

"You are brave. You're the strongest person I ever met."

"Thanks." He closed his eyes.

"I love you." The words came out so soon. "As a friend," I corrected.

"I love you as a friend as well."

"You've changed my life. You'll never know how much you mean to me. Every since I first heard your voice as a 7-year-old child, it's meant so much to me. I don't want to lose you. I can't live without you."

"It's going to be fine." A few moments of silence filled the room. My eyes darted around, then focused back at Freddie. "My dear, I think that sooner or later I'll have to reveal my secret." He sighed.

"I think you should eventually. You can't hide truth."

"Maybe I will tell the public that I have AIDS. I'm not afraid of what they think."

"Maybe... um, Freddie?"

"What?"

"I will miss you greatly, forever. My heart will always love you." A tear fell.

"I still love you," he whispered, just like in the song "These Are the Days of Our Lives." His eyes seemed to shine, like brown gemstones, amid his pallid face.

"I still love you too." I kissed the top of his head.

"Be good and brave." He smiled.

"Goodbye, Freddie Mercury. Goodbye, Farrokh Bulsara." It was the first and only time I ever addressed him by his birth name. I walked to the door and stopped to look back. A touch of peace lit his face.

"Love you."

"Goodbye." I blew him a kiss, then turned away and left, my soul crying with sorrow and grief.

Three days later- he made the decision to divulge his secret. The media went crazy over it. Every newspaper I read, every new channel I flipped to, was announcing it- "The Secret Revealed", "Yes, I Do Have AIDS", "Mercury Confesses."

The hours that followed Freddie's public announcement were the most psychologically painful of my life. It was Sunday, but I didn't go to church. I lied to Nathan and told him I had a fever. I just stayed home all day, brokenhearted as I read the newspapers, sitting in silence.

It was that night when I heard the phone ring. It was Roger Taylor. I could have sworn I heard him crying as he said words I will never forget.

"Freddie died today, Ella. Less that 24 hours after he released the statement on his AIDS. I've never felt more sad. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Peter Freestone just called and told me not to bother coming over..."

My heart shattered like glass. "I can't believe it." I couldn't. I knew he'd die, but I didn't expect it to occur so soon. It was way too sudden.

"Neither can I. It's tragic. He's gone, just like that."

"I'm sorry that I didn't save him, Rog." My throat was choking with tears.

"It isn't your fault. You tried your best."

"I... I can't speak anymore." I hung up.

How I wished it were all a dream, so I could wake up and everything would be fine! But it wasn't a dream. Freddie's life had ended, just as quickly as a candle burns out. He was gone, and I hated myself for it. I had failed in saving Mercury.