MY IMMORTAL

The Calling

"So how did it go with your Doctor today?" Harry asked as he moved ever so gracefully into my living room. He was trying to distract me so I would forget my humiliation.

"I'd tell you but truly what's the point, you already know, don't you?" I was really getting tired of the constant invasion of my innermost thoughts, but the prospect of him not being here was frightening.  My dependency on him to feel normal was also beginning to bother me.  How would I ever be able to cope if he wasn't around?

"Cassandra you need to stop punishing yourself so much. It's only been two weeks.  Soon you will be able to use the techniques we have been working on to calm yourself." He responded to my unspoken fears. I really wish he would let me vocalise them before he responded.  At least then there might be an illusion of some privacy. I think I would feel less exposed if I was standing completely naked in front of him than I do with my mind so bare to him.

He suddenly and rather uncomfortably turned his back and faced my large living room window. Whoa, that thought got a reaction not surprising considering I am a visual thinker.

"Please stop it. There is no cause for you to feel embarrassed." He moved over to my small dining table and seated himself.  His expression of exasperated shame and self-loathing made me feel instantly remorseful. I shouldn't be punishing him for my stupid adolescence like hormones raging unchecked.  I should be able to control my own thoughts. I sat across the table and looked down at my feet subconsciously shadowing his posture.

"So, when are you going to start training again now that you finally have Dr. Dread's approval." He issued yet another opportunity to change the direction of my thoughts.  This time I played along.

"Well I saw Bear last week with Dad and he said whenever I was ready to start I could.  I'll call him tomorrow, the sooner the better." I answered audibly even though I knew I didn't have too.

"Are you sure you are ready to place such high physical demands upon yourself. You were in an induced coma a little over a month ago." His voice echoed sincere concern, but I had no patience for it.

"Seriously. Don't you start?  I've been listening to my father beg me all day to give it some more time." A flash of frustration had my blood heated with irrational anger.  This was my life, why couldn't they back off and let me make these decisions for myself. I forced myself to regulate my breathing and 'calm myself' the way Harry had for the last two weeks.  I took two deep cleansing breaths and pictured the tranquil beach scene.

"Well done Karus. You are becoming instinctively good at that now." His smile was genuine and warm even if the words sounded somewhat condescending to my ears. "I know that you hate feeling dependent on me to feel calm. Surely you can see now that it is only a matter of time before you will be able to control the anxiety and fear yourself."

"Maybe." I conceded but in truth, I couldn't see it happening.  I just beat back a little frustration but the fear I feel reliving the assault at Uni was mind-numbing.  I could not see that I would ever be able to control my fear enough to even begin the meditation techniques he had been showing me.

"It is only a matter of refinement Karus.  Soon you will be able to not only repress your fear as you just did with your anger, but you will also be able to detach and manipulate any emotion and use it to your advantage."

"What the hell does that mean?" How confounding that statement was.

            "I know it seems nonsensical now but in time you will be able to call on an appropriate emotion to manage a situation rather than just react to it."

            "I need more of an explanation than that." What was he talking about?

            "It's difficult to explain but do you remember when you were six and your mother forced you to go to piano lessons.  You hated them because your fingers were not long enough to span the keys then.  I don't know if you remember this, but you used your anger at her and forced yourself to work through it. It is something like that. Anger can be a very powerful and productive motivator.  I would not want it to be the only tool you use, however.  Anger can be a simple solution to a small problem but over the long term, it can consume you. I would not want that for you." He continued with his explanation, but I couldn't get past the memory he had just mentioned. I was beginning to think I had no memories of my Mother anymore.  It made me smile.