Prior Rings

Chapter 4: Tobias - New Direction

A/N: I'm really sorry this chapter took so long. Between being gone for vacation, have family visit here, getting my daughter back to college, having my son start school, being extremely busy at work, and getting sick, it's been a long haul. And my poor beta reader is just as busy, so we're not having much luck coordinating our schedules right now.

Anyway, thank you so much for your patience, and for all the reviews, favorites, and follows! I truly appreciate them.

Chapter 4: Tobias – New Direction

Images from my fear landscape haunt me all night, both when I'm awake and in my dreams, until I finally give up on sleep and go to the exercise room.

My knuckles are still swollen and sore from pummeling the bag yesterday, so I opt to practice my kicks, slamming my feet hard into the dummy again and again as I let my mind clear.

I don't like how directionless I feel. For sixteen years, my goal was simple – to get through each day with as few injuries as possible, hoping to somehow be free, someday. When I transferred to Dauntless, I finally had that, only to find it didn't sit well. I felt out of place and found myself planning to leave, even though there was nowhere specific I wanted to go and nothing specific I wanted to do.

Things were different when I was with Tris. I still didn't know where I belonged, but I could face life with her by my side, and I could begin to figure out everything else. She gave me a focus, I guess – I could be selfless and brave and smart for her, and even sometimes honest and kind, or at least loving. It's always been easy to love her, even when it's been most difficult to actually be with her.

I suppose that's part of why it's so hard to let her go. She brought out the best in me, and I don't want to lose those parts of myself any more than I want to lose her.

My heel smacks into the dummy with a satisfying thunk, and I pause to watch it sway back and forth as Kevin's words drift through my mind again. Whatever happens with Tris, I can't let it drive my life. I have to find a way to keep working toward being the person I want to be.

It's hard to face that reality, but I know that Kevin is right. And it's not like I haven't made any progress without Tris. I've grown a lot since I returned to Chicago, and not just because of the support group. It made a difference to build this faction from the beginning, writing its manifesto along with Cara and George and Amar and then repairing apartments for all of us and for our other members as they joined. The whole process helped me figure out how I want to live and what traits I truly value.

I've helped with plenty of other new factions, too, putting in long hours on so many days, even though I don't technically have to work. The "hero's pension" the city gives those of us who went on the mission is enough to cover our living expenses. But the work helps other people, and it feels good to do that. It's another form of progress.

Shifting my stance, I start side kicks, striking with the blade of my right foot.

It would feel good to do something for Tris, I realize abruptly. Even if I never end up being around her again, and even if she never learns about or appreciates my efforts, I would feel better if I helped her somehow.

The question is how…. It can't just be something that makes her happy for a moment. It needs to be something that lasts – something that improves her life into the future. Something permanent.

I pause, steadying the dummy with my hands before resuming my kicks.

Family is important to her. When she was at Dauntless, she struggled with having left her parents behind, and I know how deeply it hurt her when they died. A twinge goes through me as I remember telling her that I'd be her family. I broke that promise. But I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it now. I'm out of the picture, at least for the moment, and she's already become close to the only family she has left: her grandmother, Anna, and her brother, Caleb.