SomeWhere On... (BXB)

...Deck 07

Schooner's Cafe is closed, though I already knew this. Murph literally falls to his knees outside the doors, because he's Murph.

We end up going back to his room and ordering room service.

Fuckwit's got a balcony suite. Two good-sized beds. All to himself. Because of course. I think the worst thing about it is that his aunt and his little sister have their own room connected by a shared door in the cabin.

Family's, apparently, fucking loaded.

"My older sister was supposed to come, but she backed out last minute," he explains, standing by the door for room service to come. "None of my friends wanted to come, either, so I was out of luck."

"Wait, wait, wait. Hold on." I pause. "You have friends other than me and...thingy." Crap. What's his name? Allen? Alfred?

"Steve?" he asks.

"No, the other guy who studied with you."

"Oh, Adrian?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, he doesn't even live in the same state as me." He swallows and wobbles over towards me. "Honestly, I haven't even talked to him since we got back."

"Oh." I look away. That bothers me for some reason. "...what did you do when you got back?"

"From England?"

No shit. "Nah, mate. Australia."

He blinks and looks away. "England. Got it." Murph wanders back towards the door. "Well, when the study abroad ended on...such a high note..." He glares at me, and it's kinda cute. "...I...graduated, and just felt...shitty."

God, I love it when this kid swears.

"Like...like I just...like I just..." Murph licks his lips and blows air up across his face.

"Don't hurt yourself."

He glares again, and I honestly can't take him seriously when he does it. "...you know how you feel about school? How it's just this place to learn useless things that don't help you in the long run?" I nod. He chuckles. "I got my degree at graduation and, and I stepped off the stage and I just thought...'What do I do now?' Because you know what my degree is in?"

I shake my head. "No."

"Communications."

I don't know what that means. I just shrug.

"It's basically worthless." He sighs. "And what's worse is that I actually came to hate college because it was so limiting. Like, I wanted to learn about everything."

"I know."

"No, like...like everything."

Room service knocks and the conversation stops. The waiter deposits our food on the desk, Murph tips him, and he leaves. Without even a word, Murph goes out to the balcony to eat.

I join him because the channels on the television were static-y and it wasn't worth it trying to find something to watch.

"Hey," I say. Murph looks at me. "I'm sorry."

He sighs and looks away. "It's not just your fault, Tommy." Murph inhales, taking a bite of his burger. "The past three years have, just, been eye-opening for me." He looks back at me. "Like, I...envy you sometimes."

I sit up. "Why?" I'm basically homeless if it wasn't for Steve.

"Because you have no idea what you're doing, and you're totally fine with it." He slips a chip into his mouth. "I wish I could float through life like that."

"Mate, I don't know what you're talkin' about." I put my plate on the deck and lean forward. "You finished school. You're accomplished, and I got nothing to show for m'self besides jobs that I quit or got fired from." Mostly the last one.

Murph looks away, his blue eyes scanning the horizon. "I just envy you." He takes another bite of his burger.

I lean back in the chair and pick up a chicken wing. They're not that good. "Do you..." He looks back to me, lettuce hanging out of his mouth. "...do you ever think about that day in York?"

He nods, unapologetically. "Oh yeah. Absolutely." He swallows and continues. "Tommy, that was the best day of the trip. I mean, besides the day out at Brighton." Murph pauses. "Well, the weekend trip to Wales was cool, too." Then he pauses again. "But, but the day out at York was awesome!" Murph opens his mouth to say something, and his jaw clenches. "Why do you ask?"

I lick my lips and inhale the ocean air. It's fresh and salty, cool and invigorating. "I...think about...what would've happened." Murph sits forward. "If I didn't do..." I raise my hand and squeeze the air out of my palm.

Murph deflates and reclines. "I think about that, too."

I put my plate to the side again, though this time I have no intention of picking it up again. "Do you think...that things would've been different if I hadn't done tha'?"

He exhales and nods. "What did you expect?" He puts his plate to the side. "I would've gone back home thinking about what might have been, and then forgotten about it." Murph looks at me. "You would've just been another crush that wasn't reciprocated."

And here I was thinking he'd hold a candle for me.

I look out at the blackened horizons. Not even the stars are out tonight. "I'm sorry I fucked us up."

Murph shakes his head and looks out at the open sea. I expect him to shrug off the apology, or even say "It's okay" or some shit like that. He doesn't.

I realise this is the longest I've seen him not smile, and my stomach hurts.

"You know you're really smart when you want to be."

"Is that supposed to be an insult at my lack of social awareness at times?"

I blink. "No."

Murph looks at me. He swallows and a frown forms on his face. "Then what was that?"

"You...you're smart, Murph."

His face begins twisting and he takes off his glasses. "God, what I wouldn't give for your street smarts."

"What I wouldn't give for some of your book smarts."

Murph looks at me, this contorted smile spreading across his face, though I know he's about to cry. But then he breathlessly chuckles. "Symbiotic, right?"

I don't know what that means.

"Mate, you okay?"

He inhales, puts the burger on the floor, and goes limp in the chair. "...no," he finally whispers.

My fingers're cold. "Wanna go back in now?"

Murph doesn't answer. He's this limp thing in a plastic chair.

And I don't know what to do.

So I go inside and try to watch some TV, but the channel's are still static-y. I go back outside and sit with him for a little while longer. Murph's eyes are closed and he's breathing deep. Meanwhile, I'm freezing and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna lose them if I don't heat them up.

"Murph." No answer. "Murph, I'm gonna leave if you don't say anything."

"I'm sorry." He looks at me and his eyes're welling up with tears. "Tommy..." he gasps, and turns his entire chair to face the metal divider between the balconies. "I'm sorry."

I'm not sure what I did.

But at the same time I'm certain I fucked us up again.