can anybody find me... // hardzello [FINISHED]

till the tears run down from my eyes

That Monday was fun, they cleaned Ben's little apartment, watched some movies, cooked and listened to music. Every now and then, something would happen that would swing the atmosphere, something so minimal and insignificant that Ben almost couldn't point out what was it when it happened.

But he could remember, the way that Joe waited a fraction of a second before saying "us" in every sentence, how his voice would shake during love songs, the way everything became an excuse to casually touch Ben, it being a playful punch or just a millimeter of skin of his hands touching Ben's hand on the couch during the movies. It was the way they danced together, in the most stupid way, because Joe didn't care, because Ben made him feel like he could be free, Ben knew that.

So Ben had to stop it. It didn't matter he liked spending time with Joe, or that he felt Joe liked him too. If he messed up their friendship, he'd never forgive himself for screwing things up.

At some point of that day, Joe and Ben were in the middle of the living room, "slow dancing" very sloppily and half-jokingly, Ben looked at Joe and saw in his eyes that Joe wanted that too. Ben kept thinking about how easily he could mess it all up, so he kissed Joe's cheek and whispered "you're my best friend" in his ear. Joe started to stutter, he didn't know what to say, so Ben put an end to that.

— I think you should go Joe. But I'll see you tomorrow right? Please.
— Yeah... of-of course you will! Um, I think I'll... I-I think I'll be going.

Ben walked Joe to the door and gave him one last hug, one last kiss of goodbye, this time on Joe's forehead.

— Goodbye Joe.
— See you.

And so he watched Joe leave, rushing to the underground. Ben's heart sunk as Joe went farther, but he thought he was doing the right thing. He could beat himself up for letting him go, but he said to Joe once before, "learn to let go" and he was doing that right now. He would get over it eventually, it would keep aching afterwards but he would get over it. Losing a friend though, that was not something he would get over. "If you love someone, set them free".

//

The tears didn't stop, Ben couldn't make them stop. Why didn't Joe come in the Tuesday morning, nor the afternoon? Why didn't he come on Wednesday either? Thursday was also a miss, no Joe, it was already Ben's lunch break and nothing. No texts and no calls, no replies and no answers, not to Ben's quicks "hey didn't see you today" and "are you alright?" and not to the huge paragraph he wrote apologizing for everything he did and didn't do. Gwil was also not speaking to Ben as much, and it was all hurting a lot. He screwed things up anyway, he fucked it up even when he made an effort not to.

When his Thursday shift ended, he was closing the café alone, when suddenly Gwil appears. It didn't make no sense, Gwil had to go to college, he didn't work in the afternoon shift and he definitely wasn't talking to Ben as much to just pop up there.

— Hi Gwil...
— Ben, what happened to Joe?
— I wish I knew.
— Well... me and him we've been getting closer Ben. We're friends and he's been telling me quite a bit of things.

Ben jumped at the sentence.

— Has he? What kind of things?
— Ben, it's clear that you have some going on. Joe's been going crazy, he thinks you could never see him like that, he's been leaving work early and going late, he's only staying at his house and he texted me and Rami several times about how he learned to let go, but now he wish he hadn't. Does that mean anything? Rami and I couldn't figure it out. Lucy has been with him this week a lot, they had some spa day thing but it didn't help.
— What are you trying to tell me, mate?
— Joe needs you, not just as a friend, he needs you for more than that.
— But...
— What do you have to lose?
— Him! That's what I have to lose!
— And you will if you don't do something! You're one of my best friends Ben, and Joe is a good mate of mine too, I can't watch you two scream in silence hoping that the other one will hear! You two have known each other for three weeks, okay, but hearts don't wait.
— Jesus Gwil why didn't you give me that kind of advice before?
— Because this time your dumb arse wasn't able to figure it out alone. Now go do something before you two fall into madness.

Ben hugged Gwil tight, without him Ben would be lost in life. Gwil was the reference Ben had of an older brother. They were good mates but despite all of Gwil's happiness and positivity he wasn't scared of calling Ben out. Once, when they went out for drinks and Ben stepped on the bar to give a speech about climate change, Gwil didn't pull him down, he tried to stop him but Ben didn't so he suffered the consequences: he was kicked out of the place and Gwil had to drag him home. The morning after he got a father-like speech about drinking responsibly and self control. He was Ben's guardian angel.

— Gwil I love you.
— Go get him, lover boy.
— Don't ever call me that again.
— Sorry lover boy!

Ben walked away showing the finger to Gwil, rushing to get in Joe's house. He was never there but Joe had told him about it so everything he had to do was figure things out and fix the mess he had made.

He picked up his phone and opened his chat with Gwil to send him a voice message.

— No more doubts and no more stuttering, I taught him to let go but now I'll have to get him back. He learned to let go but now I need him and I can't let him escape, not again.

ok i don't really like my writing and i wish i had more time to develop the romance but hey here we are amirite i swear to god you'll be getting actual ben and joe lovey dovey things sooooon

love you all my darlings, see you soon =)