Vampire Knight Lustful Dreams. Mature (#Wattys 2019)

Chapter 46

I hope all of you enjoyed reading this story. I think this should work as an ending. :)

Chapter 46

I lay there all night, just holding the pictures thinking about everything he wrote to me. What do I do? I know deep down, I do not want to be with Joel. There is nothing here, I feel nothing. IT has been ten years since I been with him. I just think to myself, I will have to go through the divorce again and all that again. I am not looking forward to it.

I also think about Ichiru, how could I make this work? He looks just like the man I adore. I will never see him for him, I will only see Zero. I am not sure, I can go with this. I do want our children to have the name and a father that is close to their real one. Just to live and be with Ichiru would take some time to get used to. I am not in love with him. Would this be fair? So many things run through my mind.

Before I know it, its morning time to get up and meet Ichiru to go to the hospital to fix the birth certificates. I know, I can't put Zero down no matter how much I want to. It wouldn't be fair to our children. He doesn't exist in this world. The closest thing to him is Ichiru. Would I ever explain the truth to them? Would they believe me or think I was crazy? Then that meant holding the truth to myself. Knowing what was real and true in my heart and not being able to say it. What good would it do to tell them? It would only bring them pain, if they did believe it and it wasn't going to change a thing. Zero why did you do this? I still wished you didn't.

I get up and go downstairs seeing my sweet babies, I just look at them and see Zero which brings me joy. They are both lovely in every way. I feed, change and pack them to take them with us.

"Where are you going?" Joel asks.

"I am going to fix their birth certificates, I talked to their father and he is going to sign them today," I reply, with a pain in my heart.

"Oh, So he is onboard with this?" Joel asks.

"Yes, he didn't know what happened, that's why he wasn't there," I answer.

"So, I take it you still want the divorce? We are still ending?" Joel says.

"Yes, I am sorry but I no longer want to be married. Let's face it, you are never going to be able to take some others children, and in all honesty, it's not fair to ask you to." I state.

"So I guess that means I move out," Joel replies.

"No, I have somewhere to go with the babies, you stay here in our old home with the girls. That way it's not a big transition for the kids. This house has a lot of memories good and bad. You should keep it."I comment.

I know what happened last time, we sold the house and the kids felt terrible and so did we. It was hurting all the way around to move on. This time, I had a home, Zero left me. Joel could stay here and let the kids have the house they grew up in. Just like it was supposed to be. I guess this is what Zero meant when he said, I could go back. I can fix things I messed up on the first time around. Not seeing anything but wanting to be with him.

Joel just nods as I take the babies and leave. Now I have to talk to Ichiru, I just hope it goes well.

I meet Ichiru at his parent's house, him waiting for me outside. Smiling at me and the twins. I can see he is happy.

"Hey, So glad you came. I have been thinking about this all night."Ichiru says.

"Are you sure about this? Really sure? Once you are on there birth certificates there is no going back. Do you really want to be their father?" I ask.

"Yes, more than you know. I don't have to be jealous or hate anyone. I know the truth about everything. They are my brother's. My twin brothers. No one can understand this circumstance better than me since I was there living it with you and him. The only thing is, Can you handle it being me on there instead of him? Can you co-parent with me? Let and make me be their father?" Ichiru asks.

Looking up at him is hard, I still don't see him, I see Zero. Which makes me want to hold him tight and not let go.

"Yes, I can let you be in their lives as their father. You are the closest thing they have to a real one. You are their blood. I want to move back into my old home. Zero left me the key and deed." I reply.

"Ok, good, that makes you a few doors away from me. I can be there anytime you need me. Will you be able to be around me?" Ichiru asks.

"I am trying, you remind me so much of him. It makes it hard. I can't promise a love relationship. I need to process all this, I need to grieve. I do know I want you in my life and theirs. I am leaving Joel just like I did ten years ago. I know I can't stay married to him. I just don't want to hurt you in the process. " I answer.

"You won't. I know I look exactly like him, which makes things hard. I know you need time but I can be everything you need if you give me that chance. I think that's what Zero was thinking when he left here. " Ichiru states.

"I think so too. He knew you would love and take care of us. In a way, not hurting me as he did. There is no Yuki for you. " I respond.

"No, There isn't. I am broken but I think my brother was even more so. I have moved past everything that was done in the Anime. I see that it was fake, and that life here is real. The last ten years I have enjoyed life. Just seeing what my brother had, I wanted it as well. he took you for granted in a lot of ways. He wasn't strong like me in the sense he couldn't let the Anime go. He dwelled on it, where I didn't." Ichiru confesses.

"You are both different in a lot of ways, and then the same in others. I don't know what is to come, I just have to be honest. I don't think I can ever stop loving your brother. A part of my heart is with him, where ever he is. I have never loved anyone the way I love him. I am not sure if can or even want to. I don't want to hurt you, I just want to be honest with you." I reply.

"I already knew all that. I saw how you were with him. How you looked at him. If you look at me like that even once, I would be happy. " Ichiru admits.

We both go to the hospital and Ichiru signs the birth certificates stating that he is the twin's father. Afterward, I go back to the home me and Zero lived in, opening the door with the key. Everything is still the same, nothing moved or changed. Zero's clothes still in the closet. His scent still in the air. Can I do this? I have no choice. Fate has been strange, it gave me something I wanted more than anything, then it took it away. I guess if I look at it, I was lucky to have ten years with him. I got to share things with him that no other has.

He is and always will remain my heart. Just like the Anime/ Manga, there is no happy ending.