Vampire Knight Lustful Dreams. Mature (#Wattys 2019)

Chapter 51 Truth

I sit in this house all day, needing space, needing air and having none. I feel like I am drowning from all my emotions and memories. I don't think I can handle it any longer. I always kept everything together for the people around me. Always being strong and holding on, even when I was at my lowest. Even when Zero slept with Yuki, it tore me apart and I let it go. Or I made it seem that I did when just the meer thought ripped me apart.

And now yet, again I am trying to hold together, not wanting to hurt anyone. Trying to raise these babies, and push myself through, when I rather be anywhere but here.

I feed the babies and get myself dressed needing freedom. I just know I can't take them with me, so I have to wait for Ichiru to come home from work. The minutes seem like hours to me. I feel I have no one I can confide in, no one I can really trust. No one that would even believe half of what happened to me. Everything I feel has to be my own burdon. My older children have no idea of what really took place, they probably just feel I am going through a mid-life crisis or whatever their father is telling them. I could just imagine, as he hasn't been all that wonderful through this. He keeps wanting us to go back and when I refuse, he gets pissy and says nasty things. I know he is dealing with a lot also but at the moment I really do not need this. If I could just walk away leaving everything behind right at this moment, I would.

I sit on the sofa holding my purse in my lap waiting for Ichiru to return. Finally, it's going on six and he is home.

Ichiru walks in the door as he does every day, smiling at me, and going up to the babies. How long will this last? How long will he want to be here? I ask the same question every day to myself. Why would he want to be stuck in this hell? It was bad enough I was.

"Hey, how was your day?" Ichiru asks.

"It sucked like every other day. I can't sit here any longer, I need space I am going out tonight. I am sure you can take care of them alone, you seem pretty good at it." I answer.

Ichiru taken a bit back, she finally came clean with a bit of how she was feeling, instead of holding it in and saying she was fine.

"I understand things are not the way you want them to be. Just what do you mean by space?" Ichiru asks.

"I would like to run away and never come back but thanks to Zero and his freaking plan that's not on the agenda. I just need a few hours to be alone to forget this if I can. I will be back later." I answer walking out the door.

"I wish you would talk to me, Tell me whats going on!" Ichiru yells as I walk through the door.

I pay no attention to what he says I need out. I take a cab to the nearest bar and go in, taking a seat at the bar. I haven't drank in years. It was never really my thing, only doing it on special occasions. I have known people wanting to do it, to forget what is really going on in their life. So I figure why not give it a try? A night to forget all the pain, betrayal and everything else.

I sit there and drink one gin an tonic after another. Keeping to myself, just as I drink each drink, I feel even more hurt and pain. Will anything really take this away?

I sit on the sofa, feeding these two babies, wondering when their mother will come back. It's getting late and I am getting worried. Then who am I kidding, I been worried since she walked out the door. She isn't ever going to want me the way she wanted him, I see at this moment she doesn't want anything that reminders her of the past, and I am a big reminder. The fears that I been having during these months are coming to life. Just what is going to happen to these babies? What is going to happen to her?

Damn you brother, why did you do this? You left us to pick up the pieces of this mess. Pieces I feel can never be mended. You even added another person in all this that can get hurt, what good is having your children? When she can't even bear to look at them because they remind her of you? I sit there knowing this situation is getting too ahead. I doubt she will let me, or even wants to. I just wish I knew fully why. Why our friendship has died as well.