Side Quests

A Weighty Loss

"Welcome Mr. Rover," said the overly smily director. "We are so happy to have a superhero of your caliber taking part of our humble commercial." He swooshed his arm as if he were displaying a headline. "Just imagine: Penny Marks Weight Loss Program...endorsed by the famous Dogboy!" The director shot me another enthusiastic smile. "We'll call you when we're ready." He trotted off like a horse on one too many energy drinks.

I turned towards Brain. "Why did I agree to this again?"

Brain dusted some fallen dirt from his white lab coat. "You needed the money and no one will hire a superhero."

"Fine," I groaned, slumping my shoulders and looking towards the ceiling like a teenager who'd been told to clean his room.

***

After what felt like hours of waiting in the cold and open studio set with only a couple VR platforms to stare at, a staff member (the third assistant to the assistant director, I think) came to fetch me.

Two women and one man joined me at the VR platforms. The other three representatives stepped onto their respective platform circle. The circles glowed various colors—used to guide the editors and other post-production workers—and hummed a tune. The timing and tune of the platforms sounded like the opening to "Shave and a Haircut." My slower approached created a sour note.

With a few keystrokes, our digital avatars appeared on a screen. The avatars followed our movements in real time. The women and man did not look like they'd be ideal candidates to talk about how effective a weight loss program was. While not overweight, they weren't "ideal thin" either. They had a bit more weight to them than an average person.

I slowly glanced down at my own husky pouch.

I had lost weight, but it was more from battling super villains and punching asteroids than from the sprigs of lettuce you get from the program's diet. It isn't easy finding weight resistance exercises when you can lift a building. That's how superheroes always look like models—it's all the stress we put on our bodies from fights, deathtraps, and mystical misadventures.

That's odd that they would choose us as representatives, I thought.

I then found out why they didn't care. The digital avatars suddenly looked more...attractive. One of the woman's hair changed to a silky, long brown. She also lost a couple inches around the belly. The other woman's face cleared up and her lips became fuller and more red. The man gained muscle mass and height. His shoulders became broader. The image of me received broader shoulders and a strong, square jaw. My glasses were removed as was my 5 o'clock shadow of a beard.

"We're ready," said the digital artist.

"Alright," said the director. "Relax and tell the truth." He sliced the air with his hand. "Action!"

"I lost 20 lbs with the Penny Marks Weight Loss Program," said one woman.

"I lost 15 lbs with the Penny Marks Weight Loss Program," said the man.

"I lost 35 lbs with the Penny Marks Weight Loss Program," said the other woman.

"I lost 30 eBucks with the Penny Marks Weight Loss Program," I said.

"Cut!" screamed the director, and turned a nice shade of tomato red.

Everyone shot me harsh glares. Brain rubbed his face with his hands.

"What?" I said. "You told me to tell the truth."
_______
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