Black Waters (Frank Ocean Love Story)

Chapter 三

Ajahni’s View.

I woke up that morning with tears in my eyes. The night before that, I listened to one of his songs. I think it was called ‘Forrest Gump’. His melody was just so…beautiful. It was like an angel was coming through my speakers. And the song had more effect when I played it at a lower volume…it was subtle and sweet.

But of course, the melody was all I really liked. The words of the song killed me inside. Why? Because it was a song describing his love for a man, not for me.

Imagine what it would feel like if you were me: falling in love with someone, then right when you begin to really, seriously love them, they leave. And on top of that, when they leave you, they fall in love with someone of the opposite gender.

And they never come back to you.

But I can’t let those thoughts stick in my head. I finally collected all the money I needed to head to New Orleans. I had no hope that I would find him; I’d tried this before and I never got into his concerts. But I had faith.

If I met him, I don’t think my first instinct would be to reunite our love again. I would probably start crying hysterically. I definitely wouldn’t be able to control those tears. After I was finished crying, I would be terribly angry at him. I would scream at him for leaving me, and for lying to the world and telling everyone that his first love was ‘Forrest Gump’, or whatever his real name was.

Sometimes, thinking about my life was devastating.

As I stood in the mirror in front of my dresser, I felt like crying again. But I couldn’t—I had just come from washing my face to get that puffy-eyed crying look off of my face in the bathroom. So I just exhaled and inhaled slowly, and then picked up a brush off of the dresser and began to brush my freshly-washed hair. I had boy-cut brown hair, that was only long enough to reach the bottom of my neck. My skin was ‘beautiful, the richest shade of caramel’, as Christopher had stated it. I admired his chocolate-colored skin more than I did mine.

I admired everything about him more.

My lips were a bit thin, too. So usually when we kissed my mouth sank into his. It was a strange but beautiful feeling.

After brushing my hair, I picked up some Blistex and rubbed it quickly over my lips, scratched some crud out of the corner of my big grey eyes, and got ready to head out the door.

The old black luggage bag I was pulling behind me was pretty heavy, but I was in a rush. I couldn’t afford to  sit down and take a rest on the steps of my little house in California.  When I exited the house I felt that it was a bit chilly, but not so much that my oversized sweater and boots couldn’t protect me.

The house was in a deserted area, but it didn’t take long for me to get to the city area. It didn’t take long for me to catch a cab, either.

“Where are we headed, ma’am?” The cab driver asked me after I climbed into the backseat. I saw his cab-license on the seat in front of me. The cab driver’s name was Frank.

That was Christopher’s middle name.

“Um, the airport on the corner by Ridge.” I said. He nodded and pulled out of his double-park in front of a little market.

Don’t cry, Ajahni. Don’t cry in this cab.

I managed to get out of the cab without shedding a single tear. I was usually crying all the time, because Christopher was on my mind all the time.

After waiting about an hour from flight delays, boarding the plane, sleeping on the plane, and getting off the plane, I finally get out of the airport's doors and breathe in that fresh New Orleans air. For the first time in a while, I actually smiled. I’d been here before. It was beautiful to just get out of California, away from the place where my life changed for the worst.

I walked confidently away from where the plane dropped me off, and continued my strut all the way to the large, Fine Fare supermarket. I stopped inside to pick up some sunflower seeds and a pack of microwave noodles, and then walked toward that gate.

A hole was cut-out in the gate, the perfect size for walking through. I crouched a little bit and then walked through the gate and into the baseball field. It was after eight in the evening now, so the field was empty besides a few committed players who stayed late at night.

I walked slowly through the field, kicking up a little bit of dust as I walked. I was almost out of the field when someone walked up to me.

“Hey.” He said, flashing a smile. I could tell he thought his smile was worth a million dollars. But I’d seen the best of smiles, so this didn’t really matter to me. The first word that came into my head when I saw the guy was arrogant.  His skin was a creamy kind of color, and he had straight teeth and red eyes. There was some stubble growing on his face, too.

“Hi.” I replied, beginning to walk away. I didn’t have time to entertain flirting at the moment. But he blocked my path.

“Where you going to so fast?” He asked. His voice was smooth, but he was forcing it.

“I really have to be somewhere for ten o’ clock. So can we do this some other time in life when you run into me again?” I asked. I tried to push past him, but he wouldn’t let me go. So I turned around, thinking I would just exit the field and take the long way.

But there was someone behind me. And there was a guy to my left, and a guy to my right. They were all smiling like the first one did, and closing in on me slowly...

Oh no. This isn’t going to happen. I won’t let this happen. God, please don’t let this happen.

My only instinct was to run. Before I broke out into a dash, I kicked one of them in their crotch. When he bent down, I slid between the now wider space between him and the guy that was to my right, but I didn’t make it very far. One of them pulled me by the waist and then wrapped me around into his torso, pressing my body against his.

Then another one of them came and pushed against  my front, so I was no sandwiched between them. Some other things happened that were all a blur, and then I was thrown to the ground and being stripped of my clothes. I tried screaming, but I realized that the people I thought were baseball players were just these guys—rapists.

I fought as hard as I could. But they were four big strong, lustful men—I had no chance.

After a while, after I got tired, it finally settled into my mind that there was no use. So I lay there, and I let myself get gang-raped. It lasted too long. I ended up zoning out, knowing that there was no one around for a few blocks and it would stay that way probably until morning.

My head traveled off…

Christopher and I weren’t meant to be together. If we were, he wouldn’t have left me. And even if he did, he would’ve come back for me. And even if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have fallen in love with a man. And even if he did, he wouldn’t tell the whole world that the man was his first love, when I was his first. And even if he did, he would at least mention me in one song. And even if he didn’t, he would write a letter, or reach out to me, just to let me know that he still remembered me.

And if he didn’t do any of that, well…he couldn’t care less if I got raped, or if I missed his concert, or if I died.

I often wonder if he ever did love me.