𝙙𝙤𝙡𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙬𝙞𝙣 𝙞𝙢𝙖𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨

bub - e.d

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♡credits to rockstardolan on tumblr♡
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2018. It was a big year. You knew that right away after the boys announced their second world tour for the next 4OU installment on New Years. According to them, it was going to be bigger and better, and of course it was. As well as incredibly successful.
You and Ethan had been together since early 2017 after messaging each other and hanging out with mutual friends, having your ups and downs yet staying together in the end because of the connection you two had. Everyone, including Grayson, felt like you were absolutely perfect for each other.
However, seeing as you weren't there for the first 4OU tour, you didn't realize the complications that were going to come with this one. The twins were only growing, and things were getting crazier everyday. But Ethan was going on tour, a whole 8 months, away from you. It was hard enough for him to do TRL each week where he had to be flying in and out of LA. You knew it was his job, and even tried to follow along with him at one point, but it became too tired too fast. You also became pretty sad for no reason, enough that you felt like it was much better to call it quits.
Ethan's love just stopped you. Every damn time.
Before the 1st show, you took the twins to the airport. Grayson stood back after saying goodbye to you and let you two have your moment after you got through the fans waiting to see them. Ethan held your hands, and they were a lot larger than yours, comforting and secure. He didn't want to have you there to say goodbye, but he also wanted you to be the last thing he saw before flying off. It had been a tough one for him.
"This is it," he'd said, looking down and intertwining your fingers together. It was quiet between you two, until he continued. "I'm gonna miss you so much, bub."
You had bitten down hard on your lip after thinking too much, after he said 'bub' - a name that he chose to call you because he thought he'd be original. You loved it, though. That messy head of soft hair that you loved to run your hands through, those sweet puckered lips, and those eyes that you'd miss the most from him, were hurting you and you wanted to cry. You didn't, and you surprised yourself with that.
We need a break.
It was hard to decide that, but you knew it was for the better.
You wanted to tell him when he stood in front of you. You didn't actually want to do it, you cared about him too much, but you didn't think you could do it once he was out of your sight. You didn't think you could make it to the end of it all, only to have him leave you over and over and over again for more TV and exposure. You really thought you could handle it, until reality had hit you at the announcement.
It was for the better.
You adored Ethan and his career, his passion for it and his sincerity, but it came along to you and it was just so much in your hands. You had to admit, it would've probably been a whole lot better if he was normal. If he had a normal life, if he wasn't bothered every minute, if he wasn't so well-known around the world; if he was just a random boy with no fame and a dream of training dolphins.
Maybe you were also a bit insecure, that out of all the beautiful people in the fandom, you'd get forgotten somewhere in there. You'd be like the person that won barricade at a show, only to be pushed back before the first song even started.
"Have a great time, and be happy," was all you'd said, feeling your heart pummel at the sight of his smile. "Be happy for me."
By the 5th show, you were starting to feel an empty gap somewhere inside of you. You pretended that you were fine and spent the day facetiming him, even as he was busy getting ready and had to leave his phone on the ground to charge where you were basically facetiming with his feet.
"Nice feet, Dolan," you had teased him. "Beautiful."
Ethan had suddenly thrown his body down to the ground as if he were doing push-ups, putting his face right in front of his phone and kissing the screen. Although you had somewhat of a straight face, it made your heart leap. "Knew you had a foot fetish, babe."
You scoffed. "Me? You literally take snapchats of your feet everyday–"
His brows knitted. "No, I don't!"
"And I have a fetish–? Yes, you do. They're even on my snapchat!"
"I don't have a foot fetish!"
"And you didn't speak to me in a baby voice that one time," you had said, using a baby voice as you pouted, catching him off guard. "Clearly a lie..."
He looked away, his cheekbones rising as he tried not to blush. "Stop, we don't speak of that. It never happened, wasn't me."
"Yes it did," you had continued using the baby voice, loving the way he was embarrassed and beet red at the memory.
"Ha! I knew it!"
I covered my mouth at hearing Grayson's voice not too far off.
"Grayson?" Ethan asked, starting to get back up.
"I knew you freakin' did that, I wasn't making shit up. Thanks Y/N!" You could hear the teasing in Grayson's voice, and continued to giggle as he playfully mocked Ethan. When Ethan grabbed his phone to pick it back up from the ground, you could see him trying to move away from his twin brother's kisses.
"Ew, get the f– bye, bub, I'll talk soon. You're gonna get it when I see you– Grayson, I swear–"
The smile left immediately when you couldn't see Ethan's face anymore.
By the 10th show, you were slowly starting to lose your energy.
You didn't know what to do, too many things made you miss him, and when it came to speaking to him - you felt yourself draining even further.
"Ethan? E–" You grumbled under your breath when all you could hear was the screaming fans, and not his deep sultry voice.
That was all you'd wanted; a sweet conversation after such a terrible day. But he wasn't even able to do it.
"Yeah, hey, sorry. It's getting wild out here, I'll try to talk later."
"Okay..." You'd barely whispered.
"Wait. I forgot time-zones right now, um, no worries, I'll put an alarm and call you when it's daytime there if you're–"
"It's fine, Ethan," you'd nearly snapped.
Pause. "Are you okay?"
A fake chuckle left you. "Yes, sorry. Missing you, is all. I didn't mean to..."
"Missing you too, bub. A lot."
By the 20th show, you felt as if you couldn't do it anymore. You felt so alone, and hated the fact that you couldn't do anything without thinking about Ethan.
You knew you had to text him, even if that was the worst possible way to do it. But he needed to know that when he came back, you weren't going to be there anymore. It was a tough decision, but you had decided to start back up on college after dropping out long ago - and it wasn't going to be back in LA. You had always thought that college wasn't a necessity, I mean look at these two boys, but when it came to you; you felt as if you had no talent. Maybe you could help animals like you always wanted to. Maybe you could be the one training dolphins.
But you grew scared and had decided to call Gray, not knowing that it was an even worse plan.
"Y/N?"
Your voice was already shaking. "H-hi Gray..."
You could hear some shifting come through his line, and tried to remember where they were and what the time-zone was. It was probably really late since the sun was still bright and out where you were. "Hey... you alright?"
You were pacing your room, already wanting to cry. "Y– no. No, I'm not. I'm not okay."
"I could get E for you, he's sleeping but if it's an emergency–"
"No, no, please don't." A tear had escaped.
"What's up, Y/N, you're scaring me."
Taking a deep breath as best as you could, you tried to gain back your composure. This was it.
"This is going to be the shittiest thing I've ever done in my life..."
"Y/N... what?" You knew Grayson was becoming impatient and even more worried. He cared for you as much as Ethan did.
Your lips had started curving as tears finally fell quick, voice cracking. "I wanted to do this the day you guys left. But I couldn't, and it's killing me inside."
"Y/N–"
"I need you to break up with Ethan for me."
Grayson had grown quiet as your words flew past your dry lips. "What– what the hell, Y/N?"
"Grayson–"
"Did I hear you right? Did I actually hear you right." He sounded angry, and you knew angry Grayson was no good. You never wanted to be on his bad side knowing how protective he was of his brother.
"Just do it, I can't... I can't do it anymore. Not right now."
"This is going to ruin him, do you not have a heart?"
"I..." You had grown speechless. He was right. He was right, he was fucking right. How could Ethan go through with the rest of tour, that was made for his fans and the people that made him who he was, knowing that you couldn't be with him anymore?
"That's what I thought. Bye, Y/N. If this is the way you want to end things, then don't try to talk to us again once you realize how much you're fucking up."
By the 25th show, Ethan had found out the news too soon.
Grayson thought he could hide it from him until the end of tour, but Ethan would try to contact you later and none of that would work out. On a day off while in London, Ethan tried and tried to call and message you. No responses ever came through, and he thought you were busy with the small retail job you'd just gotten. However that wasn't the case.
"You're joking, man. This is a prank," Ethan had thought. "Look, I know we're dry out of ideas right now but–"
"I'm not pranking you, she told me."
Ethan had tried to read his brother's expression, and although he was good at acting, he knew Grayson would not joke around about something so serious. So with a pale face, he went to reach for his phone, when his twin brother got to it first.
"You want to find out, go ahead. But take my advice, she's not even worth the call or text. It was a shitty thing to do."
To say it hurt Ethan was an understatement. It wrecked him. And worst part of all, he had to make Tuesday videos pretending to be fine, and he had to stand in front of thousands of fans, faking happiness.
That beautiful smile stayed on Ethan Dolan's face no matter the cause.
He was sad, but then he grew mad. You had known how difficult everything was for him; after everything he'd been through, yet you had the nerve to...
You knew it was for the better not to call him, but you had to hear his voice.
Surprisingly, he had answered, but via text when you'd asked how he was. It was better than nothing.
How am I? How the fuck do you think? That was what you expected, and not a one word answer.
E💜: Fine.
You had swallowed a lump, feeling your heart clench.
You: Tour looks fun. I've seen the pictures and you guys put a lot of work into it
He didn't reply quick enough, and you worried.
You: I'm sorry
E: What did I do?
There it was.
You: Nothing...
Stupid, you'd thought.
E💜: I gotta go.
You had frozen up. You'd barely spoken.
You: Oh... really?
E💜: Yeah. Don't know why you bothered when I'm busy.
You: Ethan...
He didn't reply back after that, at all.
Little had you known, that he had broken down directly after he'd shut his phone off.
Then minutes later, you got a notification from his recent tweet.
@EthanDolan: be happy.
By the 30th show, things were truly starting to give you a slap in the face. You had decided to scroll through social media, which was what you often did to follow up on what Ethan was doing. You had no right, but you needed to see his face any way that you could.
You followed plenty of Dolan Twin fan accounts, the ones who didn't just want you for a notice or for a follow from the boys, so of course you were bound to see plenty of new pictures and tweets as you practically ghost tweeted and tried hard not to accidentally like something.
@Fanusername1: look at ethan 😭 [picture attached]
@Fanusername2: he hugged me SO hard im ???? [picture attached]
@Fanusername3: everyone keeps saying ethan hugged them all like super tight and that hurts my heart i love him so much
@fanusername4: idk if its just me but ethan looks kinda off... im worried.
@fanusername5 replying to @fanusername4: same
You scrolled through some more and each picture of Ethan made your heart break even further. He did look off in some photos, some where he probably hadn't noticed a camera. In the official Meet & Greet pictures, he of course had the biggest smile - and it hurt you to see how fake it was.
He loved his fans, obviously, but he was hurting inside and it had always been difficult for him to open up. You couldn't forgive yourself.
You went under your name out of habit, and sure enough you found some things that twisted your stomach.
@Fanusername6: has anyone heard from y/n? what if she hurt him
@Fanusername7: y/n that fucking bitch
And it was enough.
You had locked your phone and placed it faced down on the bed, brushing your hair back as tears started coming.
Meanwhile, Ethan had gotten done with the show, leaning back against a van at an empty lot with his head in his hands and burning tears in his eyes.
By the 50th show, back in the states and back near the TRL set up, you had made another risky decision.
You didn't know what gave you the courage to go back there, everything was spinning and you were a terrible decision maker, a heartbreaker, and you weren't allowed to do this.
But there you stood, right in front of him, after Kyle had granted you entrance through the back parking lot, obviously unaware of the drama going on.
Ethan took a look at you, and instead of greeting you like you would have expected, with a big tight hug and telling you how much he missed you and begging for forgiveness even though he did nothing, he really had the audacity to walk past you like you were some stranger. It hurt. You did not go see him to have him act this way; but was he allowed? Of course. He was in pain. Pain you had caused.
"Ethan, stop ignoring me."
Ethan was squinting his eyes due to the sun, but the frown was almost permanent on his face either way. "I'm not ignoring you. I got a show soon."
"I came here to see you, can I see you?"
He turned to face you, still walking backwards, and faked a smile. "There. Happy, princess?"
Your temple hurt with holding back tears. "Don't be an ass."
He laughed and stopped walking, his back still to you. "It's not nice, is it?"
He started walking again, but you were determined. The back of your mind was telling you to just go home, but instead, you had gone to grip his purple silky jacket.
"E–"
"Okay quit trying to turn this on me, you broke up with me through my brother," he had said as soon as he was able to turn around, and you noticed the bags under his eyes that were probably going to be covered up by a good amount of makeup soon. "Not even a phone call, an explanation, I tried multiple times to contact you. What did I get? A how are you, like you didn't do what you caused. I fucking wanted to cancel just to go see you because it was so sudden. Okay?"
Even if you flinched, you let him yell.
Until he'd sighed.
"So I'm going to ask again; what did I do?"
"Nothing–"
"Oh bullshit. You know what has happened with my past relationships, for fuck sake, you actually responded to me when I was being a weird ass and sent a bunch of hearts. Grayson DM'd you and girls usually go to him, but you came to me. Who the hell does that?"
You couldn't take it. You had cradled his face, and you could feel him trying to move away, but you kept him in place. "Ethan... you're this amazing, famous guy, and I can't deal with that. I wish I could, I wish I wasn't a coward."
"You know I'd wait for you, I'd make it work." His next words had left you thinking, "Why can't you?"
He got a call directly after that from Grayson, saying that the show was about to start.
By the 60th show, you were slowly starting to hate yourself.
You had thought you couldn't do this with him, but without him?
By the 70th show, you slowly started receiving Ethan's snapchats again, weirdly. His sister was even nice enough to record a few parts of the show for you from backstage.
He knew he cared too much, and even if it would destroy him - he was not giving up.
By the 80th show, you had started to FaceTime him again until you fell asleep, only to realize the next morning that it never happened. It had been a dream.
Him saying you two should try again, had been a dream.
But you still didn't give up.
By the 100th show, you had gotten notification after notification. Your phone was practically blowing up, lagging, and glitching, but you were determined to find out what the hell was going on.
Had something happened to Ethan?
What you saw instead was indescribable according to the emotions you were feeling. It was at their last show, but instead of their background saying 4OU2 like usual - it read I LOVE YOU. People probably thought it was for you, but you knew it was meant for them.
However, the picture had you tagged in it.
@ethandolan: I don't think u understand how much I still love you bub