Alive

Martial Arts

"I want to join a form of martial art." I say to Goshi one afternoon.

It is the only thing I have said to him in a while, and I think he is excited that I want to be a part of something and that I am speaking to him again, if only a little bit. What he doesn't know, though, is that I only want to join because I do not feel safe.

I know I should be more excited about meeting new people and learning new things, but I just want to feel safe and empowered. 

"Have you thought of what kind you would like to join?" He responds calmly.

"Yes. I did research, and I think the style known as Kempo would be fun. After all, it is a large mix of many different styles."

Goshi just nods, seemingly approving. I'm glad he agrees, but I don't want to talk to him a minute longer. I run off to my room, telling myself that later I will ask him when I can join. But for now, I have to continue with my discoveries and mystery.

I have to try to sew my thoughts together to find a theory that works, but I think I'll have to try and find out more before I can start assuming things. As much as I hate doing it, I realize that I have to give Goshi the benefit of the doubt.

But I won't have to if I can find something that proves what I want to believe. And I think that if I can get Ross and Nakya to agree to help, I can do just that.

Later that day, Goshi and I discuss when I can take an introductory class for Kempo, and when I will start. We come to the agreement that I should start tomorrow, at least for an introduction, and that is exactly what I do.

The next day, after school, Goshi and I walk a block around our house to the studio. 

I did not tell Ross and Nakya my plan yet; I want to tell them later and give them less time to blab my ideas from the time I see them last to the next time I see them.

As we walk into the studio I become excited. I hadn't realized until now that I was anticipating the actual art in itself; I thought that I was only eager to feel safer in my own home.

When we get inside the studio, we are greeted by the owner, a man named Tom Nelson. He is friendly and kind and seems eager himself to teach me some of the things he knows. The studio consists of only a desk, a mat, a small room where the martial artists place their shoes and bags, and two bathrooms.

As I walk with Tom, or Sensei Tom, to the little room, I avoid the mat and he seems impressed.

"Most people start walking on it immediately," He says, "but shoes, you see, are not allowed on the mat."

I nod, proud of myself and still increasingly eager to start my introduction. Once in the small room, I take off my shoes. Then, after taking in my surroundings for only a second more, I follow Sensei Tom back to mat. I'm about to step on when Tom bows.

He bows onto the mat, and I feel foolish for not thinking. Many martial arts respect their places of practice my bowing into the area or class, and though I know that, my excitement got the better of me.

Without any more hesitation, however, I bow with the same motions as Sensei Tom and step on the mat.

Just as soon as I do, the "class" begins.

Sensei Tom starts explaining things about the martial art, most of which I already know. Then he states the expectations for the martial artists attending the dojo, and I understand the expectations fully.

"To start, I would like to test your focus." Sensei Tom says. "I want you to look at the humanoid punching bag we have, and not take your eyes off of it. Even when I get in your way."

He says this like a challenge, and I fully accept. I stare at the bag, but I am not expecting it when Sensei Tom gets in front of the bag and starts waving his arms around like a madman. Even so, I do not lose focus, and concentrate solely on the bag.

He jumps around in circles and says something loudly, but I'm not sure what he said because I am focusing so hard. Finally, he tells me I can stop, and I come out of my deep trance. When I look back at him, he smiles.

"Most people don't do well with that." He says happily, and once again my insides beam with pride.

"Now, to teach you some basics." He says, barely skipping a beat between his words. "Place your feet firmly out to the side and bend your knees so that you cannot see your toes. Then, put your fists to your sides firmly, like this." 

He says me exactly what I should be doing, and I try my best to precisely replicate his stance, and though I try my best, I know that I don't get it quite right. I expect to be corrected, but Sensei Tom only says "This is a horse stance, and that's pretty good for a beginner".

He then shows me what a ready stance is, once again using himself as a reference. I think some stances would have been easier if he had taught me some more basic ones first; I think he is going some what out of order, but I think that is only because he is extremely enthusiastic.

Next I learn what a fighting horse stance is, and what a snap kick is, and what a side kick is, and what a wheel kick is. I learn some many things that it is hard to keep track, but I try my best because I am absolutely loving this. 

I almost forget that Goshi is sitting on the bench to the side, watching. Probably trying to learn the basics along with me. Which isn't good.

When finally Sensei is done and has content himself with showing me enough basics, we bow off the mat, and I go over to Goshi. I try to look calm, but I fail miserably because, more than anything, in this moment, I want to join Kempo.

I eagerly ask if it would be okay if I join the martial art, and Goshi readily agrees. He seems just as excited as I am, and that is what does it.

That is what brings me back to reality, and the reason why I wanted to join martial arts in the first place. Goshi just wants to watch me and study me. And I don't want him to. But I don't want to not join Kempo either. I guess I'll just have to be better than him.

I thank Sensei Tom many times, jokingly telling him that he will now see me here all the time, although not entirely hating the idea.

Goshi and I exit the studio, walking just as we did when we entered it. Goshi tries to have an ecstatic conversation with me, but now I have nothing to say, and Goshi doesn't seem to fight it. Until suddenly we stop and Goshi just looks at me. Then he asks a question that I have dreading since the day I began to think he was lying to me.

"Are you angry with me?" He asks it with so much innocence and hurt that I want to go back to when I trusted him fully. But I know I can't.

"No. Why would I be?" I try to play it cool, but I'm sure my hatred is obvious on my face. I just couldn't hold it back.

Goshi knows I'm lying. He knows just the way I did, and just like me, he doesn't push it. He seems to come to the conclusion that he won't bother it any more. He seems to have the idea to figure it out by himself.

I can only hope that I can figure out the mystery and stop Goshi before he figures out why I'm angry with him.

But I definitely can't figure it out alone. I need to contact Ross and Nakya.

So I promise myself that as soon as Goshi and I get home, I will.