Love is a weird thing in life. To some people it's like finding good and to others it's like finding poison and I guess to me it's both. To be honest , all I ever wanted was to be loved but I guess nowadays that's too much to ask for. Nowadays, I mean I can understand why and it's because of guys out there that don't know how to treat a lady but then I feel I fall into that category because I've lost the one girl that I wanted to live the rest of my life with. I never thought that I'd be one of those guys and right now I wanna beat myself so bad for turning into this monstrosity of a guy. I'm a puppy for love at the end of the day but apparently sometimes you just have to let go of what you want and stay in your kennel. I don't know what it is about love and me but it makes me feel like I'm above everything else 🌹. Its this emotion that makes you feel free as a bird in the sky, but at the same time it can bring you down to earth as quick as a raindrop in a thunderstorm and it's weird because to me we were put on this earth to find love, to find that special someone to walk through life with and spend each moment, good or bad with, and be comforted both ways. To me I thought that was the purpose of life you know. To get an education, find love somewhere along the lines, get married and create a family and live happily ever after right? But we all know this isn't a fairytale and we take things for granted and that's what I did apparently . At points in your teenage years you see in all these movies you see in high school the guy bumps into the girl, books fall and they start talking and they realise they are meant for each other. Guess you have to be really lucky to have one of those moments, then again it's not a movie. Everyone says love shall be given as you deserve it and we'll in my case I see that I don't even deserve a morsel of love. Not even a drop to get through my day. Nights have turned into counselling classes with myself for myself as to assess where I am in life. Did I reach somewhere or am I still wasting my f*#!king time? And as I see it, I am wasting my f*#!king time.
I can't focus on anything because my body can't even function properly. Right now my whole body wants to beat my heart I swear cause right now I feel upset, my throat is closing, heart is burning and my stomach is all inside out and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost for words...fighting for the one you love isn't easy. I loved her with everything I've got and still it was never enough. My friends say that it's not worth it but I'm blind. Literally I wear glasses but you know what I mean. Its just something about her that I can't quite figure out but it makes me happy. Ever since the first day I met her I was attracted to her. Her smile and the way she behaved. During classes I used to watch across class and find her trying to touch the ground with her short self and to me it was cute and ever since then I started talking to her and we were in a good place. I was hooked on her, writing her love letters, buying her presents just to show her how much I loved her. But I guess all I was doing was digging a ditch for myself and I've finally reached the part where I'm burying myself alive and I don't even know it. I'm more stupid than that donkey, at least he would've climbed out after they threw each set of dirt onto him. I'm just sitting down there hoping they would change their mind and pull me out. So many songs I've listened to express my love but yesterday I heard one that just killed me on the inside and I could never repair myself from it.
To hear that the love of your life replaced you with the song Already Gone isn't easy to handle. It makes you wanna just go away from everybody and just die alone not letting anyone know where you are. You just want to stay secluded but you know sometime you will have to explain what's going on. I miss her so much right now but she doesn't know this because she's moved on with her life. I left her alone for a year she said but for that year we broke up and to me she wasn't the one to ever message first and ask for help. It was always me. Rare occasions she would do that and it made my day. I need love in my life and nowadays it's my pillow that comforts me throughout my nights and playlists of music that remind me of her . Typing this whatever you call it took everything I felt and squished it together like a sandwich but at the end of the day I don't blame her. I really don't even thought my friends see it so.
Love is given to those who deserve it.
I still have to give to receive and I'll keep giving till I get what I deserve and I'll die doing it if it means finding my one true love since I've already lost this one to the world. I love you baby and I hope you find someone that treats you better than i ever did.
Sometimes we lose people in our lives that we never knew could create such an impact on our minds but at the end of the day we realise how our hearts slowly.
This was a message i wrote to about my relationship with bridgette. This was after the final break up. I couldn't console myself. I couldn't control myself. My heart was throwing up, my eyes were drooling, my body couldn't take this anymore. I was a cripple body encasing a vibrant soul that couldn't be seen. My eyes weren't their light brown pools of honey in the light shade anymore. They were colorless. She broke me, pieces on the floor that couldn't be put back together no matter how much glue you could use.
Your new Trini word peoples
Bacchanal ( back-ah-nal)
It means trouble, chaos, madness.
