Um, i don't even know what to write anymore. I'm a mess. My heart doesn't know what its job is anymore. My mind doesn't even care anymore and what's worse. My body is literally falling apart. My hair is dropping. My skin is pale and my smile. Do i even have one anymore? I haven't smiled in days. My jaw is so accustomed to being closed, its stiff. Its hard to smile. How do you go from loving someone every day, to not hearing their voice anymore? Or not even a text? How do you? Do you stand up and take it like a man and pretend that nothing happened? Or do you cry and sob and let it all out in hopes that is actually helps?
My body is thirsty. I've cried a river every night, soiling my pillow, my bed, even my phone has remnants of my sorrow. I haven't showered or stepped out of my house in days. What does the outside world look like? Is it still a paradise i once knew with palm trees and sandy beaches? Or is it a concrete jungle with scavengers just looking to survive? My life has no meaning anymore. Thoughts of suicide ran through my mind daily and everytime I go to do it, my mind shows me he is still alive and saves me. He stops me. My minds keeps me alive when my heart had given up and its vice versa really. I look on instagram and its just empty. When it used to be posts of things we used to talk about, its not there anymore. My playlist on my phone is just full of sad songs. Songs that make you cry as soon as you play it. Songs that make your heart quench for love when it can't get any. I thought I'd get over this by now. 3 months have passed but i guess not. Going to school, and seeing these happy couples walking around, laughing and enjoying their company in eachothers hands. It just made me hollow inside. I was a walking dead. A living dead. A zombie of some sort. Depression set in and it ruled my life. My friends, my family, they were concerned for my well being and they had every right to be. I was losing weight, my hair was thinning, my eyes were becoming yellow. I was getting sicker by the day and i didn't know what to do about it.
The question still remained," How do you unlove someone?:
I didn't have the answer. I didn't know what to do. No matter how much my friends tried to cheer me up. In the moment, i laughed. But once it was over and we went to class, i zoned out. I was in my own world full of sadness and darkness. Suicidal thoughts rushed through my mind like a bullet train striking my brain like a shock of reality.
She was gone.
Forever.
I couldn't fix it.
The only thing i could do was try to move on and that was the gut crushing blow.
Deleting those pictures?
I couldn't. I couldn't stop seeing her eyes. I cried and cried and cried till i had no tears left. My throat closed up gasping for air. My chest pained and my stomach. My stomach had nothing. Nothing but space.
I tried to forget but i couldn't. She was tattooed to my brain.
Sophie, answer me.
