The Lies That We Tell

𝐠𝐚𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐜

Staring at himself from the mirror, Theo saw what he had always seen. He hadn't changed much except for growing taller and getting weight. His eyes were the same as a couple of years ago, so were his face and hair.

Nothing had changed. Then why did it feel so different to look at himself? Why did he feel like a completely different person than what he was like in Vancouver?

Because you're gay. Because you like Quentin. You have feelings for a guy. You kissed a guy. You're a f*ggot. A cocksucker.

"Oh god," he heard his voice shaking as he tried to calm down. Then he washed his face with cold water but that didn't help.

It was a good thing that everyone else had already left soon after their practice was over. He couldn't concentrate even when he had a basketball in his hands and had troubles at getting the ball inside the basket and the coach saw it.

While listening to his teammates who weren't even hiding the fact that they were all whispering about him, Theo was almost happy when he was told to sit by the bench.

It was a bit humiliating and embarrassing but at the moment, he really couldn't care a less if the ball went in or not. His mind kept going back to a certain boy and his red hair, blue eyes, freckles, pink flower clothes, sarcastic comments and a camera that always hang around his neck.

It was a mistake to kiss him at the party. God, what was he even thinking? Nothing. It all happened so fast that he hadn't even realized what happened until it was over. One moment he was staring at Quentin in the kitchen and then they were making out outside, kissing each other as if they were only people in the world.

And then with one look, Theo ran inside without a word. After realizing that he wouldn't be able to stay there and see Quentin again, he left. When was the last time he had left the party before midnight? When he was fifteen, probably.

It all happened on Friday and it was Monday now. Fortunately, he managed to avoid Quentin as much as he could but it was really hard while sitting next to him in math class. He was freaking out inside but somehow he managed to make only one awkward eye-contact with him before going back to pretending that he wasn't there.

He couldn't breathe. Fuck fuck fuck. He sat on the bathroom's floor, raised his knees and put his head on them. Where was Quentin who calmed him down in the elevator at the carnival? No, he was the reason why he was like this. He was the reason why he was in this mess.

Where was he?

He wasn't... gay. God, he couldn't even think about it without flinching. All his life, he had thought that gays were different. Wrong. Unacceptable.

When they saw other than straight people, his father would always have that certain look in his face. A look of disgust. He had never looked at them as normal people and he made sure that his son wouldn't either.

Where was he?

His father wouldn't know about this. Never. He wouldn't accept him. No, instead he would hit him, give him a black eye. He had hit him earlier when Theo thought he was straight so what would he do him now? Oh god, he was shaking. He was shaking really badly.

Where was he?

And if his father couldn't accept him, then his mother wouldn't either. That woman hadn't had her own opinions for years, always nodding at whatever her husband was saying. A weak woman, that was what she was. A weak woman who wouldn't save him once his father started the abuse.

Where was he?

Everyone would laugh. All the students would laugh at him, point with fingers, call him names. He would get kicked out of the team and get bullied. He knew that because he had been like them. Bullies. He was one of them. And now his whole future was destroyed because that boy was everywhere and made him feel shit. Made him gay. Abnormal. A disappointment.