Someone You Loved ; Caleb Finn

4

My hair lies in limp soggy curls when I get out of the bath, my arm still stinging from the water and soap I'd scrubbed into it.my toes touch the small towel that sits in front of my tub as water drips from hair into it. I wrap my body in a white towel avoiding the mirror as I walk to my room. My hair leaves a small trail that I can't bother to wipe up. I walk in and go to my closet. I look over all the clothes hanging and all the colors to choose from. I sigh and go to a small corner in my closet where a basket sits. I pull out a large gray shirt and slip it over my torso.
It goes to mid thigh and still smells like him.
The only thing missing what his arms around my waist when I walk out of my closet.
I head over to my small vanity and grab my comb and start to work it through my tangled curls.
My eyes stop at the shirt I'm wearing. I take my fingers under my shirt and lift it up revealing my stomach.

[Anorexic thoughts ahead]

I look at the folds of fat. And grab it pinching it. My breathe hitches in my throat as I tense up in my stomach. I feel my breathing picking up.
you thought you deserved a muffin? Really?
Think again.
You won't get to eat anything lovely until you look lovely.
Even Caleb thought you were too pudgy to date.
I think to myself in my head. Tears well in my eyes as I bring my small fist and roughly rub them away.
Don't cry. You made yourself this way.
I stand up and go to my living room and take the muffin and shove it in the trash not wanting its temptation near me.
No matter how many calories I burn I can't eat.

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy.

I grab my stomach wishing I could just pull the fat off of me as I go back down to finish my hair. I avoid looking at myself too much as I go over to my bed and drop onto it.

[end of anorexic thoughts]

I pull open my small nightstand drawer and grab my battered journal and begin writing.

Today was better than yesterday but it still hurts. He showed up at my work today.
He looked lovely.
Alive.
Well.
At peace.
Everything I'm not. I took my meds for the first time since I met Caleb today.
They stayed there for a bit but came back up from my empty stomach.
So I don't think they really worked. The pain I felt seeing him and his beautiful eyes in person made it seem like they didn't. But maybe I just feel a lot of pain. He made my heart speed up and get sweaty palms. I felt like I was going under.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I doubt it though.

I close it after my I messily wrote everything down not wanting to spend a minute too long on my thoughts.
My phone starts to buzz rapidly on my nightstand where I put my notebook making it rattle loudly. I look over and grab it.

Caleb.

My fingers shake heavily over the answer button as I argue with myself. Should I answer? He hurt me. He doesn't deserve to I'm in pain. He doesn't deserve to feel satisfaction. But I'm dying to hear his voice. To listen to him ramble.
My wants out weigh what is bad for me as my finger slides across the screen before I can stop myself.
I hold my breathe as I grip my phone tighter. I hear shuffling on the other end but it's silent.

"Lu?" I hear Caleb mumble gently. I close my eyes and sigh as I bite my lip and pull my head down.

"Yes Caleb?" I whisper brushing off his old nickname for me.

"I know you probably don't want to see me or talk to me. But I need somewhere to stay tonight.-" He starts.
I want to see you. And talk to you. But I don't think I could handle you.
"-Luke is throwing a party tonight and I don't want to deal with people tonight." He says desperate.
"If you don't want to deal with people...why do you want to stay with me? I thought I was too much." I say gritting my teeth at the end as I clench my empty hand.
"Because I don't have anyone else to go to. Plus I think we need to talk." He says patiently.

That's why I love him so much. No matter how angry I got with him. He was gentle. Tolerant. I needed someone like that to deal with me.

I gulp. Please don't make me regret this. "When are you coming over?" I whisper giving up on wanting to do the right thing for me.

"I'll be over in 5 minutes." He mumbles as I hear shuffling. "Thank yo-" He starts.

"Don't worry about it." I say cutting him off and pressing the end button.