She Who Loves Death ✓COMPLETE

11. Past

"Louisse?" Kai panics when my weight falls fully on him. I feel dizzy; my stomach twists I feel like I'm going to throw up. My fingernails dig on the skin of his back as I try to grope for strength and support from his body.

"He's awake Kai." The words mumble from my mouth thoughtlessly when finally, I sit down on the bed. Malachi stays beside me, holding my hand and his other hand resting around my shoulder. "My brother is awake."

"That—that is good." He tells me, smiling encouragingly but it somehow just worsens the pain. The heft in my heart just weighs even heavier, seeing how Malachi tries to convince me something good out from my mistakes. "Do you want to visit him? Sasamahan kita." He says, all smiles which just made me even more lachrymose.

That's exactly it. I can't. I mean, I don't deserve to be with them. They will all be good without me, better even. One reason why I don't listen to Him anymore is because I should be the one in Zeke's place. It shouldn't be him. It should have been me! And when I asked Him, when I tried to pray, He was nowhere. He never listened!

"Baby, you know how I feel when you cry. Look at me." Kai cups my cheeks with his hands, I can feel the warmth they bring. Every inch of me is trembling, my sobs racking my body. "Kahit saan pa 'yan, sasamahan kita. You are not alone, Louisse. I'm here with you."

"I don't want to see them." I hear myself say at last but my voice fires out like a whisper, driving Kai to shake his head. I could even spot the slight hint of amusement that he tries to conceal in his eyes.

"No baby. You want to." He insists, lifting my chin up when I try to look away. He smiles again; it's so beautiful it distracts me for a moment from the pain that's piercing my chest. "Sigurado ako, nami-miss ka na rin nila."

Disagreeing completely, I shake my head. A grimace escapes my lips as I recall the loneliness I've gone through for two years. Not that it's their fault, it was my choice in the first place, it was my fault but they can always look for me if they want to. But they didn't. And I get it—it's what I deserve. It hurts so much, the pain grows each day like a monster that I rear up.

"My brother almost died Kai. And it's all because of me." I finally let the words out. Within two years, I've never shared that to anyone, not even through writing. "They all hate me and I deserve it."

"No. That is not true—"

"You don't know anything!" I fire back, standing up to put a distance between us. "I almost killed their perfect son. He's everything at home. He was the color of the family. He was the only one that matters. And I was so jealous because no matter what I'll do, it'll never be good enough. They are better off without me."

***

Kuya Zeke and I go to the same high school; he's two years ahead of me but even so, everyone in school is still able to recognize us being siblings—rumors has it that my brother is actually proud to have me as his sister.

I don't think so. Nobody would love to have me as a sister. Nobody even likes me. I don't even like myself.

Zeke is the president of their class. Not only that, he also presides two major student organizations. Even in sports, he also is very excellent. He is just so good at everything. He always have everyone's attention and their praises. And that attention is the same amount I am getting. Oh, don't get me wrong. I have people's attention because I am the loser sister of the Great Ezekiel. Being compared to him is like a normal thing—like breathing for air so you won't die. Tsk. Everywhere I go, even when I haven't done anything yet, people judge me so quickly. It's like failure is painted visibly on my face and people cannot unsee it. For that, I isolated myself—never had friends and I never try finding one. Girls only try to befriend me to make me their ticket to get my brother's attention but I never let them. I may be a loser but I am not that stupid.