STARDUST

My Boy • X

The doorbell rang but I continued to stare at the blackness of the television screen.

Then I realized my mom wasn't home, so I pulled myself to a standing position, swaying a little, and made my way over to the front door, my socks padding softly on the wooden floor.

My heart stopped beating when I saw Kento through the peephole, looking more tired than stressed. I hesitated but ended up pulling the door open, throwing a questioning glance at him although I already knew why he was here.

He ran a hand through his already chaotic hair and looked at me cautiously as if I would start screaming at him any second for doing this to me. I just looked at him, exhausted and opened the door wider, letting him step into the house.

He looked around and then at me, "How...how are you doing?"

I stared at him, crossing my arms over my chest, "I-uhhh...I've been better." I nodded my head a little with my statement and his eyes dropped to the floor. A silence passed between us as I studied him, "You look really tired," I said, somewhat flatly.

He forced a small smile that didn't show his teeth, "You do too." He ran a hand through his hair and looked into my eyes. I couldn't read them. "I-I..." He trailed off and cleared his throat, "We should do this, Ray." His tone was sad and defeated and I almost started crying again. I shook my head and his eyebrows drew together.

"I'm not asking what we should do, Kento. I want to know...what you want to do. Don't think about anyone right now; don't think about the baby or me. I'm not holding you back from college; I can't...do that." My voice shook while I said the words slowly as if talking to a child. I took another breath, "Just tell me what you want for a change."

He didn't say anything for a long time before he finally opened his mouth to speak. "Raya...I-" He ran a hand through his hair again and looked at me, swallowing hard. "I-I...I want to go to college, okay? I don't want to stay here. I'm just not ready to raise a baby, yet...I-I don't even know if I can." His expression was pained and full of regret and I nodded my head.

"Okay, I know what I'm gonna do then." My fists were clenched tightly together.

His eyes darkened but he didn't say anything, just looked guiltily down at the floor. Truth was, I didn't know what I was going to do, but I had exactly five days to think about it. To get an abortion...or not.

Kento nodded, "I'll...uh, make an appointment." His eyes drifted toward my stomach and I felt self-conscious. They snapped back up to mine, "And we'll go, okay?"

I don't know what made me do it, but I shook my head, "No, um, just call for me, okay? I think I want-" I looked around and started again, "I'm gonna go...alone, if you don't mind." My words were uncertain and I pleaded with him in my eyes. His expression was puzzled. "Please."

His eyes came to my stomach again and I shifted. "Raya, I can't let you go alone to the clinic."

"Please," I said, my tone steady.

He stared at me, a bemused expression on his features. I started to fidget a little under his intense gaze, but if he noticed, he didn't let on. Finally he nodded somewhat hesitantly. "Fine."

"Thank you," I responded immediately. Why did I want to go alone again?

He went to the door, opening it and looked back at me, "I'll call you with the date, okay?" I nodded and wrapped my arms around myself tenderly. He was still looking at me, his dark brow furrowed, and he took a step toward me. He kissed my forehead softly and kept his lips there. "It'll be alright Raya. I'm sorry this happened," he murmured softly against my skin. He pulled away and only then did I notice the bruise forming by his eyebrow. I reached up and touched it softly, his eyes closing lightly. My throat constricted slightly. These bruises were one reason why we couldn't raise this child together.

He took my hand away from his face, kissed it, and headed back for the door. "Bye Raya." He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but he thought better of it and shut my front door softly.

"Bye," I whispered, tears already swimming in my eyes.

I shut them tightly together when the door closed and cried again, hugging myself as I went over to the couch, laying myself down.

Oh Lord, what am I going to do?