Forever

2. You Don't Know

BECA

I had always hated having deadlines. It made whatever I was doing feel like it could be better. I had to finish recording songs for an album release. Except for the song or two that weren't even completed. I had to finish writing those. But I had some much else to do. Being my parents only kid, Mom left me all of her stuff. I put her stuff in a storage unit and sold her house. Going through all of the stuff was the hardest part. My mom had journals of mine from when I was an angsty teenager. This was back when I kept bouncing between her and the Hyatts. I had a lot of angst. Granted my parents had just had a messy divorce, I was a mousy little girl who was constantly ignored or walked over.

Going through Mom's stuff made me realize that I was always destined to be a writer. Well, a songwriter. Each song I wrote was really just part of one big story. My story. And right now there was a huge chunk missing. I didn't like to talk about that time between middle school and the end of high school. Because I was someone else. Someone different. I made poor choices and hurt a lot of people. I put a bunch of my notebooks into a box and brought them back to the studio. I had an idea. Would it work? I had no idea. But, it was worth a shot.

"Mack, let's do this," I said putting my headphones on.

"And you're sure you want to do this?"

"Positive. You don't know how sure I am."

"Alright."

"Maybe that's too much to ask and maybe that's okay. Cause I make my own way. I make my own way. The weather girl can make it snow to cover all the shame. But if I couldn't make it snow, would you even know my name?"

I thought back to one winter in Ohio. When Aiden shoved me into the snow with his crew. I remember people avoiding me because they were afraid of the weirdo.

"I scream over the music till my ears are gonna bleed. I don't know what I need. So how could you know what I need?" I needed a parent. I needed stability. I needed everything that everyone else had but I couldn't have. I needed acceptance and confidence.

"Cause you don't know, anything about me. And you don't know how I play a part. If I told you, would it even matter? If told you. If I told you where I hide my heart."

All of the times people asked me 'why are you like this?' or 'why can't you be normal?' 'why are you such a freak?' came flooding through my mind. I was a small little kid who people picked on because nobody cared.

"Pretty girls who have it all who's life is like a dream. Pirouette though perfect days, dripping self-esteem. Confident and effortless and beautiful and clean. Put up on pedestals and treated like a queen."

I was never confident. Everyone around me was perfect. And then there was me. The oddball. The weirdo. And eventually, the one who people wanted to be with because of my bad decisions.

"Mix a little pick me up till life begins to blur. Listen as the whispers scream 'Hey what's wrong with her?' I'll shout over the words they say and I will walk away. And I will be okay. I don't need you anyway."

I didn't need anyone. I was my own person. I didn't need friends, I had alcohol. I didn't need a family, I had dealers. I didn't need anyone but me.

"No, you don't know anything about me. And you don't know, why I play a part. If I told you, would it even matter? If I showed you if I showed you where I hide my heart."

"Someone else for just a day. I'd tear the skin I'm in away. Step into some other shoes how could a girl like me refuse. And if I had the chance to choose, the things I'd change, the me I'd lose. To see the world through someone else's eyes."

I sang as the still that girl trapped in Ohio. I sang the girl who walked out of that hospital without her mother. I sang as the girl who hates herself so much she would give her life to be someone else. I sang as every inch of me. Every fiber of my being was crying out at that moment in time. And I was letting it. I was letting me feel all of the things I had tried to suppress. All of the sadness and anger and pain. And I let it all come out. I didn't care that Mack was sitting right there listening to me put myself out there. Because I was just doing what felt natural. And for once. I didn't hate it.

"No, you don't know anything about me. And you don't know, all that I could be. If I told you, would it even matter? If I let you... if I told you... what you don't know... No, you don't know..."

And with that, I took a breath and looked at my reflection. There was a new person looking back at me.

CHLOE

Beca got home really late. I was starting to get worried. I sat at the table watching the door. Hoping that every step I heard was her. Finally, Beca walked through the door. Something was different.

"How was work?" I asked.

"Fine."

"Good fine or bad fine?"

"Just fine fine."

"Okay. Do you want me to make you some dinner?"

"I'm good. I'm gonna go shower."

"Okay..."

"Hey," she took my face in her hand. "I love you." She pressed a kiss to my lips before going into the bathroom. I smiled.

"I will never understand you," I called after her.

"That's what makes it an adventure." She responded.

I rolled my eyes. She was better. This was the Beca I had met all those years ago. Even though she wouldn't let anyone see this side of her then, I did. Nobody understood why I loved her so much. But they never saw her as I did. They didn't know about the side of Beca that was childish, or afraid, or worried. They didn't know anything about her. But I could see right through that dark and mysterious facade. I always could. I always will. 

*The song Beca sings is called You Don't Know from Bare.*