I'M No Mercy | Changkyun | Monsta X

06. I am Trespassing

NOTES:
-Updates every Sunday and Thursday
-You can find this story in Archive Of Our Own

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"Wake up, today's the day. Take a shower and come get breakfast, it will probably be our only meal today."

Changkyun didn't think his stomach would be able to hold any food, but it was the first time in days Kihyun talked to him beyond necessary, so he did as told and soon was walking into the kitchen. His band mates were happily chatting until he sat at the end of the table, apparently they still believed he told the managers about them not being best friends with him.

"Thanks, hyung," he grabbed the bowl Kihyun offered him.

Changkyun finished his food with his head down. He told himself to be strong, stay cool despite their rejection, and to concentrate on debuting and fulfilling his own dreams; still, it was difficult to ignore the feeling of loneliness that came with the situation. "I'll go get ready," he said.

He had never felt the need of crying like that day. He was about to debut, and should be feeling proud and nervous. The thing was, there'd be no one to congratulate him, there'd be no one there to cheer him up if they failed either. Was he really an intruder in the company? A burden to the members?

"What is it, kid?"

Changkyun hadn't realized he was standing in the living room in front of Wonho, who was also waiting for the others to come and leave together. There was something in Wonho's eyes that he had only seen when he was worried for one of the other trainees.

"Um, sorry.." he bit his lower lip and turned to the door. 

"Changkyun, I-"

He was interrupted by Changkyun's phone. Taehyuk was calling him, and some time ago he had threaten Changkyun to go look for him if he didn't answer his phone calls. "I am sorry, Hoseok-ssi, you were saying?"

He ignored the call.

"I-" the older cleared his throat, "you should answer that."

The rest of the members came while Changkyun was on the phone, assuring Taehyuk everything was fine, even if it wasn't. 

It was all screams, lights, flashes, smiles, a burning sensation on their legs and lungs, but warmth in their hearts; the expectancy and euphoria on the faces of those who had watched No.Mercy and were here to be with them on their debut, their managers and instructors, their fans; the groups of idols and trainees that were going to call sunbaenims from now on. Changkyun felt really calmed seeing Minhyuk and Kihyun smiling while presenting their debut song, he felt proud of Wonho and Jooheon getting awesome reactions from the audience, and inspired by Hyunwon and Shownu's dancing.

The mean comments made on internet and at the company regarding Changkyun's sudden arrival to Starship stopped meaning anything. The physical pain caused by the trainees and by long dance practices were forgotten. The moments of loneliness and lack of a sensation of belonging were replaced by some kind of relief, and fondness for his members.

Even if they didn't get their first win on their debut stage, they felt like winners. The path to success for them was going to be full of challenges and frustration, but they were going to go through it together.

Kihyun was the first one to hug Changkyun backstage. "You did well Kyun-ah, don't cry."

He hid his face in the main vocalist's chest and hugged back.

"Don't ruin your make up, baby; we still have a lot of work to do, and more presentations."

"Can I call my parents?"

"Make it short," Hyunwoo was now next to them.

Changkyun only nodded.

"By the way.. good job today, Changkyun."

More shows and presentations followed through the month, the music video was being a success as well; Changkyun had had the opportunity to congratulate Big Bang on their wins for their comeback, and have small conversations with BTS too, which made him feel very fortunate, but also excited to one day be an idol trainees look up to.

Their manager had taken their phones away both to get away the distraction it comes with it, and they'd have now to work even harder to get it back by getting their first win.

Besides presentations, their schedule also included variety shows and reality shows as if to follow the lives of the No.Mercy trainees that were able to debut.

It all became a bit weary to Changkyun because now he didn't have a way to communicate with his friends without Hyunwoo knowing about it, since they had to get permission from the managers to use the phone Hyunwoo got in name of the group. He was surrounded by people all day, but felt even lonelier.

"I think you need to exercise more Changkyun-ah, that way you'd be less tired and it's also something to get distracted with in your free time."

Changkyun was a bit astonished; that was probably the longest sentence Wonho had said to him since No.Mercy. The youngest had noticed that both Wonho and Hyungwon had stop ignoring and being unfriendly to him, and the rapper wasn't sure if he should be grateful for it or suspect their sincerity and intentions. They never mentioned the incident in which Minhyuk got burned, and about nor Changkyun supposedly telling their manager about the reunions he wasn't invited to.

Moments of happiness came too, it was certainly impossible for the group not to laugh at Changkyun sudden jokes when he talked with such a serious face, and he felt proud of it; as if his initial plan of holding his hand out for them to take was finally showing results. Even then, he was keeping—hiding— his real and weird personality; he had promised himself to put all his effort on being a successful idol and rapper, not in being welcomed by the others—Changkyun was aware of how crucial their relationship was for their future as a group, but it was responsibility of seven, not one.

They had start having movie nights once in a while and Kihyun made sure Changkyun was there every time, usually sitting on the floor in front of the couch and leaning his head on Jooheon or Kihyun's legs, but never participating on their conversations about the films. Changkyun helped Kihyun making breakfast and sometimes with dinner; he was also getting closer to Jooheon, they really worked well together.

"Hyung, can you help me with this verse?"

Changkyun wouldn't have noticed his change on honorifics if Jooheon hadn't hug him with a big smile and small eyes. "Took you long enough to call me that when not in front of a camera."

"I-"

"You're the only one who can call me that, you know? Here, let me see that verse."

That night Changkyun finally had a long conversation that didn't have anything to do with work or housework. It wasn't exactly a best friends' relationship, but he was sharing funny anecdotes and laughing with Jooheon, and it was refreshing.

"Finally," Wonho was in the middle of the living room, arranging blankets and pillows around, "come help me, Kyun".

"Sorry, hyung. We got a bit distracted while writing the raps for the next album.. What are you doing?"

"We are watching No.Mercy tonight," Kihyun answered Jooheon and handed him a tray with snacks, "put them down and come help me get the rest."

Changkyun froze.

Hadn't they watched before?

Wasn't it both cruel and cringe to see what they had gone through—what they have said about the others, their reactions, their mistakes, and so on?

Why would they want to see it now?

A hand on his shoulder prevented Changkyun from having a panic attack.

"You okay, kkukkung?"

He nodded.

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