I'M No Mercy | Changkyun | Monsta X

09. I am Sick

"Can I come in?"

He hurriedly cleaned his face from the tears that had been silently present and coming out from his eyes since Changkyun told them about the trainees a few hours ago. 

"You doing laundry at 3 am?"

"I couldn't sleep.."

"Kihyun-ah."

He sighed and turned to face the leader. "Is there really nothing we can do about it? Hyung, there's got to be something-"

His eyes were filled with such anguish, Hyunwoo couldn't help but to lock his arms around the smaller. It was rare that he hugged his members—except for Jooheon, and especially Chankgkyun—, but lately he had been feeling responsible for the mother of the group's drop in mood. "We'll find a way. For now, we can't leave Changkyunnie alone at the company in any moment."

"He won't talk to me..."

"We've talked about this Ki; he'll open up to us, and we'd be the family we should have been since the ending of No.Mercy. He's hurt. And it's not only your fault.." it's mostly mine. 

"Time to wake up, Kyunnie, shower's free now."

"Coming, hyung."

"Just don't fall asleep again, Kihyun will scold me otherwise."

Only then Changkyun realized it was not the main vocalist that was trying to get him to get up. He turned and saw Minhyuk, who offered him a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

The maknae murmured a 'thank you' and hurried to the bathroom.

Minhyuk was, to put it simple, a sunshine. He radiated energy and happiness, he could lift everyone's mood on a bad day; but today, he sat at the table in silence.

"-right, Minnie?"

"Huh?"

Wonho didn't repeat the question, instead he patted Minhyuk's leg and gave him a small smile. "Finish your breakfast, today is going to be a long day."

"Where is Changkyun?" Hyungwon entered the rappers studio at the company.

"He went to grab some coffee. Kihyun hyung is downstairs too, so I stayed back. I don't want Changkyun to feel we are intruding by protecting him, or to think we're not being honest and only acting out of guilt. I mean, I feel guilty. I just hope he understands that's not the reason we want him to be safe."

"I know." Hyungwon agreed.

He sat on the chair next to Jooheon. "I tried to apologize to him again this morning, after breakfast. He told me to let it go, but I don't think that's right. We hurt him, and he wants to forget about it and he probably wants us to forget about it too. But I just can't. I feel like I need to make up for all this months."

"Maybe it's not the healthiest path to take, but I'm coming to understand him and, that's just how Changkyun is; I hope I'm wrong about it this time.. But for now, we need to focus on gaining his trust, not force forgiveness or friendship, just make good memories that overshadow the bad ones."

"I know what you're doing."

Everyone stopped what they were doing at the announcement. They were at the dance studio going through their new choreography when Changkyun decided things were even more awkward then when he first arrived to Starship.

"I'm not going to ask you to stop it, you already know I don't want to be pitied, so I know you're being sincere. Just, if you are really sorry, and willing to do something about it, don't go around looking miserable," I did for a long time and got no reaction, why should I acknowledge their feelings?

Hyunwoo reached for his hand and the youngest let him hold it. "I know everyone feels the same as me; Changkyun.. we really are sorry. Our behavior was not professional at all, not even civil or ethic. We fucked up, and I understand if you don't feel comfortable around us now that we realized how stupid and immature we were acting; and I'm sorry I didn't do something about it before; we'll give you time to try to accept us, just allow us to protect you from now on." 

"I-" his eyes were suddenly filled with tears. "The truth is.. I'm sick of feeling lonely in a room full of people.. and you caring about me at this point is a bit surrealist. I don't know what to do, I'm confused, and I don't want to feel like this—because we could still get disbanded and, I don't think I'm that strong."

"Kukkungie-"

"I'm sick of fearing anything I do may get you annoyed or mad at me. I may not be the best dancer ever, but most of you aren't either. Many times I fucked up the choreography was because I was self conscious and felt pressured by your way of looking at me, and more than once I fucked up because I had been beaten up by a group of trainees and had to conceal the pain. It helped me to grow as a dancer, though. "

In shock, Wonho tried to speak again but this time it was Hyunwoo who interrupted him—by shaking his head as if asking them to let Changkyun continue and get it all off his chest.

"Also," he focused on them one by one, "Minhyuk-ssi, you've said I'm not that talented, but I wasn't the last member chosen to be announced, nor did I stayed in the lower positions during the whole show. Jooheon-hyung, it's not my fault the company decided I was a better choice for Monsta X than Gunhee-ssi; I'm not like him you're right, I am a different rapper from you both, have you ever thought that's why I was a better fit? Have you all ever thought they put me on this group because of my personality and rap, and not to annoy you and break your dreams of coming a group with the trainees you've worked before with? Hyunwoo-ssi, you're not the worst leader, but you're nowhere close to be the best. Many of you ignored me and decided to talk behind my back, I was always listening; I know you guys even have a chat group without me. I didn't feel welcomed just because you weren't directly mean to me. I am the youngest, and I don't have other friends at the company, did you ever consider I may have been feeling lonely? Kihyun-hyung, I know you tried hard to include me and be nice, but it all felt forced, as if you were doing it under threat from the company. You all tried to include me in front of the cameras, but most of you kept ignoring me or hating me behind them. Fuck you!"

Hyunwoo ducked feeling disappointed of himself; everyone looked and felt dejected; Hyungwon was silently crying.

"I miss Nu'Bility so much, I miss my friends in Boston and Israel too, I miss my family. I miss feeling genuinely loved."

"Kyun-ah" Kihyun sobbed and wrapped his arms around his dongsaeng. "I'm so, so sorry. We didn't even try to understand you, a-and-"

"Hyung, don't cry," he was himself crying on the vocalist's shoulder.

"We are sorry, Kukkungie," the maknae looked at Wonho and then at the rest of his band mates and realized they were all crying.

"I- I am sorry I said all that, I went too far."

"No, we went to far," Hyunwoo sighed. "All you said was true and fair.. I'm wondering, can Monsta X still be a group after all?"

:):

I'm sorry I didn't update earlier, I just came home a little ago. I hope you enjoy this chapter.