dear myself,
i don't know what to say in this message. im a bit lost right now.
during my time in quarantine i have encountered several of mixed feelings. ones that usually wouldn't mix together, have.
im learning about myself, im learning what i miss by loss. what i crave, what i need.
i need physical touch. i need to touch another persons skin and feel their warmth. i miss other people's smells. how they speak. i need to hear someone else's voice face to face. to have a conversation with them, eye contact.
i want to experience the feeling of undressing someone with my eyes. i want to make others feel vulnerable again. observation. i want to learn about people's characteristics. i need too. it's what i do, what i love. it's my hobby, people-watching.
im scared of myself. i havent posted anything in a long time on this account, too frightened to open my notes full of thoughts that will never be said outloud.
thoughts that re-reading them, make me question my sanity. ones where i refuse to believe that's me, what i wrote, what i said.
who am i? im learning.
i ask myself questions what i wouldn't have before. what is the worst thing you've done to keep someone else happy? what is your biggest insecurity? what are you ashamed of? who is the stranger you still remember? who is someone you'd like to apologize too? what moment in your life did you feel the most alive? what's the most painful thing you've told someone?
what is the most painful thing you've been told?
i want to say these answers out loud. i want someone next to me listening and we share a moment of vulnerability.
i find myself making scenarios in my head. i want to write a novel about all of them. i know they'll entertain people, like they do to me. however, i am so tired of everything.
im drowning in a sea of homework. teachers are assuming i can do everything. that i am a super human.
i want to yell at them all, like that one time i did with my socials teacher when she ripped my paper in half due to a misunderstanding of sharing my work with others.
i do not know why they do this.
i am struggling to believe that everyone's mental health is okay. we as humans are social creatures. now half of us are dying and the other half is being forced to isolate. im worried. my health, safety, my family, friends. what will happen to my future?
i wanted to grow old. i made that my goal.
i wanted to grow old with someone i love. i wanted to see my grandkids play.
i wanted to die before my loved one. i do not want to live if there are not there with me. old age will beat me, death will arrive only then. not now. im not an adult yet.
i still have a life to live, places to be, people to meet. i still want to read many many books. i want to learn things about other people. i want to love others. i want to grow flowers. i want to dance next to someone who loves me, to hold them close as we cuddle. i want someone to wipe my tears away when my throat feels like it's on fire. when my legs are too shaky to stand, i want that person to catch me. i want to feel love. the type of love only other people can provide.
if only family was able to do that, i wouldn't feel this way.
im suffocating myself with music, the songs are starting to sound like endless noises in the background. i hate feeling this way.
i hate myself, im so ugly.
i feel so ugly in my bare face, with my curly poofy hair and my small slanted eyes.
im so pale.
im so lost.
im so me.
@moonchild.2244
