Baby boy ✔️

43:

My parents thought I was at prom, Nella thought I was at home, and I was so mentally lost that I could no longer grasp onto the reality of my surroundings.

The only reason I hadn't attended prom was because being in a room full of happy, loved up, classmates who I couldn't wait to get away from sounded like it would only make me all the more miserable.

So instead I had opted to spend my night alone on a rooftop of an old building in the dark with a playlist of heartbreaking songs that made me cry even more which I hadn't realised was possible.

It won't last forever, soon I will be flying away. My escape so close that the idea now scared me but I wouldn't give into the fear.

I deserve happiness, I deserve to put myself first. For once. Thelast six years of my life had been given to everyone else. From my dad and Kaiser, to Nella and peer pressure.

I would no longer give away another part of myself to make others whole. I was done breaking myself apart just so others could accept me.

If people did not like me the way I am that is Okay. As long as I am happy with who I am and continued striving to who I want to become.

Now that I reflect on who I was a couple of months ago I realise that I was a horrible person. I had let the cruelties that this world had shown me shape me into such a mess and had I learned just as much horrors as I had seen.

If there was one thing I did regret- even though I had promised not only jakob but myself that I would not regret anything anymore, on this very roof top- it was that I had pushed him away all those years ago.

I had pushed him away because while I was slowly being torn apart piece by piece he remained whole. He was a happiness in my misery that felt out of place.

Instead of letting him into the dark I pushed him away until I could no longer see the light.

Now I was left with nothing but the what it's that filled my mind.

Would we have remains friends throughout high school, maybe started dating earlier. If jakob and I hadn't lost touch something deep within me tells me that I would not be the mess that I am today.

Maybe in another life. But in this life I had been dealt my hand and had played my cards reckless and wrong. Now I would have to face the consequences.

I was going to stop playing the How are and blaming the world for my problems and own up for my mistakes.

I was mean, horrible, and just all over a bad person. Not only to Jakob but to everyone. My dad, Kasper - though I tried with him it would never be enough- Mrs Denton, and the girls at school who had every right to hate me. I hated me.

I couldn't even go to that prom because I was disgusted with myself more than anuthing else. I was starting to take blame and man up which I guess meant just bawling my eyes out in solitude.

Being so lost in my own thoughts and detached with my surroundings I hadn't realised that someone had joined me. And yet I hadn't flinched in fear or jumped in surprise as Jakob took the seat beside me.

"Go away." My voice cracks as I let out another sob.

I don't take my earphones out. I don't even look his way in acknowledgement. I just tell him to leave because that is what I deserve. No happy ending, not for me anyway.

Though I had spent the last few weeks in bed begging some greater force for such a thing now that he was here right beside me I wanted nothing more than for him to go away.